Dating Coach

Nigerian Romance Scammers and online dating

2011-07-08T17:47:00.000-07:00

I have been researching the Nigerian Dating Scammers. This gets more prevalent every day, and numerous women are scammed by these experts. As a Dating Coach, I have received questions about this. If you have a specific one, please feel free to forward it to me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .

This is about onling dating safety at a new level. Many American woman have fallen prey to these Nigerian Romance Scammers who apparently operate out of Internet cafes, and will be corresponding with many women at the same time.

The ones who are good at it, and can really get money out of U. S. women are very psychologically astute.

They also know exactly what women want to hear, or at least the kind of woman who is likely to send them money to help. I'll let you connect the dots on that one.

Here are some of the things to know, and some of their favorite phrases:
Am here instead of I am here.
Talking about wife and marriage almost immediately (no committment phobia here, LOL)
Their favorite soccer team will be Manchester United
They are recently widowed (rarely divorced)
They have one child.
They will ask you to get on yahoo IM almost immediately
They are working on a "project"
They will claim to be from some town in the US - Chicago, Hickory, N.C., whatever
They will seem too good to be true, particularly in the things they say that all women want to hear - such as "I will never leave you," and "I will always be here for you/"
They use broken English, can't spell, and more than that, the cadence is all wrong. There are plenty of American guy who can't spell, but they still sound American.
Whatever online dating site they were on, they will immediately disappear from the site
They will usually have an American-sounding name but it will be 'off,' such as George Washington, Micheal Westbrookes, Jefferson William, Kevins William, and so forth
They will send poetry usually to your email, not IM, probably because of the pasting and copying. If you google the poetry, you will find it online.
They will not know anything about the town they claim to live in, i.e., one client asked the guy, who claimed to be from Chicago, about the "wolves" in front of the Art Museum. He made no comment. (They are LIONS, not wolves, as everyone knows who's been to Chicago.)
Often when asked a question they will not reply. If pressed, they will "brb" or will go offline, claiming they were booted off
They will almost immediately head to Malaysia, Ghana, or Nigeria for their "project"
or for the death of a relative, or for both
"Liver transplants" among relatives is common
Sometimes for a question, they will take a long time or "brb" in order to look it up online and then will return with the correct answer
Will ask to send you flowers, in order to get your address

Then the requests for money or equipment (cell phone, laptop) will begin. y will ask you to wire money, and there is no way to get this money back and that's why they do it.

Stay tuned for more, and take care of yourself.

Susan Dunn, Dating Coach

Dating Coach: Writing the Online Dating Profile

2011-06-25T19:56:00.000-07:00

Dating Coach: Writing the Online Dating Profile

Writing the Online Dating Profile

2011-06-25T19:34:00.000-07:00

Writing your online profile on a dating site is extremely important. It surprises me how little effort some people put in to. You have two chances to attract suitable partners: your photograph and your online dating profile. It's important to choose the right photographs, and it's equally important to have a well-written online dating profile that shows who you really are.

I'm going to give you an example of a good profile, and then an example of a bad profile, and then I'm going to critique them. I've worked with many, many people in the dating area, and have listened to what they have said.

What's the difference between a good one and a bad one?

Well, first of all I'm not grading these on whether or not I, personally, would like the person or like to date them. "There's a lid for every pot." Rather, I'm grading them on how well-written they are, and if they give a good starting picture of what the person is like. After all, that's what dating is all about.

That having been said, there are certain rules. Regardless of how you might feel about it, the most important thing - says the research - is that your grammar and spelling be correct. Therefore, you might want to consider hiring a Dating Coach to help you write your profile.

Most of us will forgive a misspelling, or a grammatical error, but still it halts you in your reading. It is considered a sign of intelligence. In that "like attracts like", you will be looking for someone who matches you in their ability to spell and form a sentence. And, after all, there's spell check. Just construct your profile in Word, check it, and then cut and paste. Writing your online profile is too important to leave to chance.

EXAMPLE OF GOOD PROFILE AND CRITIQUE

Are you my co-conspirator? Looking for someone to share the private, not always socially-acceptable adventure that makes this all worthwhile. You don’t need to agree with me or share my views. If you do, we might run out of things to talk about! The “conspiracy” is a blend of attraction, affection, and trust that is not in your face, but never too far from awareness. Distilled permanent infatuation….

CRITIQUE: When the person writes "distilled permanent infatuation," he is going way out there where only a few can follow. This helps him to eliminate at the starting gate. Pretty erudite statement. It's also attempt to describe "love" - so if you aren't the kind who likes to define things, you will know to pass on this guy. I thought when reading it that he was an engineer or IT person, and turns out he was. (Hey, I'm not the Dating Coach for nuthin'!)

At the same time, "co-conspirator" defines a certain type of love relationship, and they are not all the same (doh). This is not someone looking for that deep, intense, romantic connection. Nope. He wants to conspire, and to have fun. He wants someone who will have a private language with him, people-watch and chat about it, someone where it's "we two against the world" but yet, having fun.

He gets good marks for good grammar, good writing, and for giving a good picture of what he's like in just one paragraph. Writing your online profile is very important, and this gentleman did a good job at it.

Now let's look at a bad one.

BAD PROFILE AND CRITIQUE

To tell many good words about yourself is not very modest and I don't like doing it because people see us from another angel [sic] but I can say that I am purposeful and industrious and trying to be reasonable. I can't say that I am shy and modest but tactful. I can say I am down-to-earth, communicative person who adapts easily in new companies.

CRITIQUE: Well, this is very tortured writing - someone who has trouble coming up with words. And to use "angel" instead of "angle" in an online dating profile is really careless. "Trying to be reasonable" indicates to me that he isn't. It sounds like a divorced person who's said a thousand times to his spouse, "Be reasonable" -- and sure enough, he's divorced (not widowered). "Be reasonable" is asking someone to be logical and rational, and this rarely occurs in an argument -- or in love for that matter. Do you want someone so analytical? (Well that's personal choice.) Nevertheless, it is poorly written. More than that, it is poorly thought. I think this is a person who really struggles with expression, and expressive communication is very important in relationships. Why on earth would you say "in new companies"? Does he mean with new people? Or does he literally mean at work?

You be the judge.

If you are going online to date, consider letting me write your profile for you, or edit it, or help you with brainstorming. It's extremely important. Especially if yo're a guy, because woman like words as much as -- or more than -- the photo.

And ladies, you need help too. There are things you can write that really scare the guys off, and from my extensive experience, I can tell you what they are.

Contact me, Susan Dunn The Dating Coach, at sdunn@susandunn.cc .

About online dating sites and your profile

2011-06-22T21:02:00.001-07:00

Online dating sites are becoming more popular all the time. Sites such as match.com and chemistry.com that allows all comers, and then the more specialized sites such as jdate, and seniorpeoplemeet, and loveand seek.

Everyone has less time to date these days, with jobs being more demanding, and commutes taking up more time. Therefore, we turn to the Internet dating sites to meet other like-minded individuals. As a Dating Coach, I repeatedly am asked, "But where can I meet someone? I'm too busy." Well, consider that others are feeling this way too.

If you are going to be on an Internet dating site, your profile, and your profile photo are key. Basically speaking, men are keyed into visuals, and the photo is most important. And women are keyed into words, so the written profile matters a lot.

There are certain things to keep in mind when writing a profile. First of all, let me recommend that you get a coach to help you write it. Yes, it's that complicated.

As a Dating Coach, I've perused thousands of profiles, and more than that, I've heard from hundreds of clients about what works and what doesn't.

Here are a few of the basics.

While you should feel free to show who you are, good grammar and spelling still count. Women, particularly, are turned off by poorly written profiles. This includes words that are misspelled, grammatical errors such as run-on sentences, and sentences where Every Word is Capitalized.

While you don't want to sound too stilted, you do want to sound like someone well enough educated to string together some correct sentences.

That having been said, we will all forgive the odd spelling and grammar mistake, and the obvious typo, if what the person says is engaging.

Most of all, we want to get a feel for what the person is like, to see if it's worth taking that next step and contacting them. We want to know what "compatibility" means to them -- and trust me, for each person it is different. While one man wants a hard-driving career woman for a partner, another man wants the traditional wife to stay home and keep his house for him while he works and is the sole provider. While one woman wants a serious engineer for a spouse, another thinks only a marketing person, or sales person is exciting and versatile enough. Don't be afraid to show who you are, and, just as importantly, to say what you are looking for.

Here are portions of some profiles that have gotten good reviews. Some I wrote for clients, and come they wrote themselves. See what you think, and feel free to share you thoughts. I also include many examples on my facebook site. Please invite me to be your friend on facebook.

EXAMPLES OF GOOD PROFILES:

45 y.o. m: Hi, Have you ever been so excited about something you couldnt contain yourself, so excited that you wanted to scream YEEEEAAAAHHH ... that is how excited I want to be about you!!!!.... I love all music from Metallica to The Cleaveland Symphony Orchestra, I walk/run 4 miles a dayl...I give a 100% and I want the same from you.. I believe in chemistry and I know what I like, You probably do too

‎21 y.o. male: Generally, I’ve always been a guy about breaking barriers and jumping out of my comfort zone and I’m looking for someone who’s likes to do the same. Staying positive is key: I love to be with people who can see the glass as half full, and extra points for a great smile, especially when dealing with my sarcasm! I love being around people and enjoy every chance to meet someone new,

21 y.o. female: I just moved to Maryland from Florida after graduating with my bachelors degree in Psychology. I hope to continue on to graduate school sometime soon but right now I'm concentrating on working. I find it a bit hard to describe myself, because honestly I'm a little bit of everything. That probably comes from living in a lot of different places because I'm an Air Force brat.

60 y.o. male: Four days a week, I am a practicing attorney and mediator, specializing in family law, who also manages real estate which I have acquired in the Historic District of Annapolis. In my spare time (which I hope to expand), I love taking trips to places near and far--including a lake house I own in New Hampshire. I also enjoy digital photography

50 y.o. male: My family comes first and is "everything to me". I would love to find that special someone who shares my view of the cosmos and with whom I can communicate in every way. That person would enjoy spending time with me and sharing all the wonderful things that life has to offer while, at the same time, retaining her own identity and not feeling compelled to abdicate

49 y.o. male: Anything in the mountains or by the water is enjoyable. I travel the globe as a function necessary for my chosen career and to name any one place would be difficult. I do enjoy Italy and Ireland but always enjoy coming home to refuel. I enjoy music from the fifties and sixties, big band sounds, the occasional opera. TV is reduced to Learning and Discovery Channels and football playoffs...

66 y.o. female: I don't say "friends first," because "friends" is something else. I need a man in my life who will txt or call me in the day to tell me what just happened at work, and check and see if I'm safe on the road, who loves life as I do, and loves to be in love. Someone I can't wait to see at the end of the day, can't wait to wake up to in the morning, & who feels the same way about me.

43 y.o. female: I admire and respect people who do good when no one is watching, who believe in paying it forward, who create happiness around them, have the courage to risk failure and rejection, and do not see the world as black or white. I enjoy creating a warm and happy home life for my man. I believe that life is about those small moments of magic....

If you'd like help writing a profile that works, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc . I offer dating coach to help you get out of the dating world and into the relationship you've longed for.

LBJ the Great Seducer

2011-06-11T12:32:00.001-07:00

In my opinion, LBJ pushed through more legislation than any other president. His tapes are available on youtube.com and they are fascinating to listen to. You can see how he did it.

Listen to how he "flirts" with Jackie Kennedy on this tape:

When you listen to the tapes, you will see how he persisted in what he wanted, kept after it, asked others for their opinion of how he was doing, joked in times of stress, sounded confident and self-assured -- as a leader should. Lyndon Baines Johnson.

This is a lesson in emotional intelligence, not a political statement. If you don't know the difference, you need to study emotional intelligence with me. Call 817-734-1471.

What American Men Can Learn from a Good Nigerian Romance Scammer

2011-06-05T19:47:00.000-07:00

I'm currently working with a client who is plagued by Nigerian (presumably) Romance Scammers.

I've helped her identify them - and today alone, through match.com, she had 3 contacting her, and then a 4th via facebook. 2 of the ones from match.com were on her "daily match."

Surefire clues --

-- They want to go to yahoo IM immediately and have monikers like mikewest144.
-- You will find out right away that they are an "engineer"
-- They will mention they are either on their way to Nigeria or Malaysia or that they are already there

One of hers said he was coming back to America and could she meet him at the airport. "What airport?" she asked, and he replied, "O'Hare International Airport." When she lives in San Antonio, Texas.

-- They will say they are born in Europe, but live in the US, in some place they cannot tell you anything about. For instance, they live in San Antonio and you ask about the Alamo, and they change the subject
-- They do not answer your questions, they ask another one
-- They are incredible misfortunate - their child is sick (they are always a widower), they are in the hospital, their child is in the hospital, their mother is dying. They need money for this ... and then for the plane ticket ... and then for customs ...

That having been said, there are things an American man can learn from the best of the Nigerian scammers. These are related by one of my clients who was in the hands of a really astute Nigerian scammer:

--They use the phrase "I am here" and "I've got your back" and "I'll stand by you," and "I'll never go away"
--They are online seemingly 24/7, and always available for the woman they are 'courting'
--They talk about family, obligations, and the fact that they won't run
--They say they will do anything for family, and will make sacrifices
--They shower the woman with attention - verbal, verbal, verbal
--They state that age doesn't matter (usually "age is a mare [sic] number")
--The best of them make very few grammatical errors, no more than a person typing would, like typos
--They have just the right tone of voice on the phone (albeit there is an accent, which they attribute to being born elsewhere, or all their travels)-sweet, full of emotion
--They are very emotional - will cry when reporting that their brother died in surgery, will show anger if you don't appear online for a day
--They say they will cook for the woman, retire her, take her around the world
--They use poetry and sweet words - copied off the Internet, but then what is a quote from Shakespeare but that -- a quote. Just that they don't attribute it. nevertheless, it works
--They use "honey" and "baby" liberally, and woman fall for this, trite as it is
--The photos they send are tasteful, good looking, well dressed, everything in place (nothing skanky). The best do not send anything porn-like.

The thing I want to say is that this is becoming as prevalent as the stupid email scams we've been getting for years (and still do), saying you've won the lottery in some foreigh country. If this woman received more than one in her daily match, look at what is going on.

Especially if you look classy or like you have money, you can expect to hear from these people regularly.

Do turn them in to match.com if you get one, and also to the scam sites if you like. Here is one place to report if scammed re: Malaysia.

They write:

An increasing number of Americans have been victims of scams originating in Malaysia. Con artists contact Americans through the internet, including dating web sites. These con artists usually pose as American citizens who have unexpectedly experienced a medical, legal, financial or other type of emergency in Malaysia that requires immediate financial assistance.

You can also report to the Internet Crime Complaint Center.

Here are some romance scam sites:
Romance scam
Travel.State.Gov
Yahoo Romance Scam Info
Nigerian Dating Scam with Photos

If you check out these sites, you will see that the same phrases are used over and over. They will generally send the scammed stuff via email, not the IM. If you feel suspicious, copy the email and google it, and you will likely find it was scammed off the Internet, and appears over and over on these romance-scam sites.

You will find certain photos are used repeatedly. They are exceptionally appealing men, usually men that would pass for around 50 years of age, and they are generally models, but not always.

Here is one commonly used. Bear in mind the real person this is a photo of, is NOT the scammer:

This has been used with aliases such as Gabsy Fisher, John Armstrong, Joe, Mike, Scott Smith, Vincente Miguel, and more. The photos used are generally of men that could pass for multi-national.

So -- ladies beware when you are dating. This is becoming increasingly prevalent and has made its way into the legitimate dating sites such as match.com . There are places you can report this abuse.

But -- be aware that almost immediately the Nigerian scam artist will remove his profile from the site. (After all, it takes just a few minutes to set one up.) With the woman mentioned above, she got her dailies today, and by this evening, the man's profile was no longer online. And he had already told her his child was sick in the hospital.

The really good ones will work the relationship for a month or two, and they do a really good job at it.

Bear in mind that they are psychologically astute. If you sound desperate, lonely, like you are a pushover, that you are kind-hearted, that you always stand by people, if you react to their emotionality, that you like to help ... it will signal them to keep at it.

Good luck!

SUSAN DUNN, DATING COACH - 817-734-1471, sdunn@susandunn.cc .

Nigerian / Malaysian Romance Scams

2011-05-31T22:48:00.000-07:00

There has been an alarming increase in romance scams. Russian women? Yes, but that's old. Now it's Nigerians going after women in the U.S.

You would think it would be easy to spot a romance scam. They wouldn't be on a legitimate site, like match.com? Guess again. They wouldn't be able to do sophisticated jokes? Guess again.

Here are some of the things to look for:

1. They are on a legitimate site, with a full profile. They also stalk you down on facebook.

2. They have inordinately handsome photos, like the one shown above. The person using that photo has called himself John, Matthew, Vincente, and more. They are often photos of models taken off the Internet. They also use photos of real people. Bear in mind the person above is NOT the scammer. The scammer is a Nigerian sitting in an Internet cafe, often corresponding with 10-12 women at a time.

3. They ask you to go to yahoo IM immediately.

4. They are famous for using "buzz".

5. They immediately call you "honey" and "baby."

6. They are usually a widower with one child.

7. They "live" in the US, but immediately head for a foreign country, often, these days, Malaysia.

8. Often they are an engineer working on a "project" in Malaysia or Nigeria.

9. They have incredible bad luck, for which they'll hit you up for money which they want wired, Western Union: their brother dies and they have to pay funeral expenses, they have to pay an "agent" to get a job, their child dies in a car accident, they become ill overseas and have to pay a doctor. Eventually they want to come "home" to you, and ask for money. They then will need more money to get through "Customs."

10. They want your address in order to send you flowers.

11. They want you to accept foreign packages for them.

12. They ask you to marry them immediately.

13. They have Anglo names like John Armstrong or Kevin Williams. Sometimes the names are misspelled - Kevins Jones.

14. Many have autrocious spelling and grammar, the smarter ones do a very good job with English.

15. They call you on the phone and they have a weird accent which they explain by saying they've lived in different countries, or are from Germany (popular).

16. They prey on women who are not attractive - which categories I will let you imagine ...

17. They ask questions early-on that would indicate your wealth, i.e., what kind of car do you have, how much does it cost to get your hair done, do you own a house.

18. They will ferret out whether there is a man in your life who can 'stand for you.' If not, you are especially good prey. For instance, they might ask who takes care of your car.

19. They send you emails with poetry they have scammed off the Internet. Google part of a message they send you that is romantic, and you will be led to scam sites.

20. They give you an inordinate amount of attention, praise, sweet words and epithets. (If only real suitors would take tips from these romance scam artists.)

21. Their site on match.com (for instance) disappears the minute you start corresponding.

22. If you're paying attention, you'll catch them at mistakes. You'll see a message on their IM site. They'll call you by the wrong name. They'll forget how many kids they have, or their mother's name.

If you begin to get any of these signals, or something doesn't seem right about someone you're corresponding with, PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR INSTINCTS. Do NOT send any money to someone overseas that you don't know. Call me for dating coaching (817-734-1471) if you suspect anything, or want more guidance. If you suspect, stop all contact at once. This is a variant on the old Nigerian 419, and these people are pros, and are NOT nice people.

3.

What the science of human nature can teach us: newyorker.com

2011-01-16T20:03:00.000-08:00

This could be the most important article you read this year about dating, emotional intelligence, relationships, sex, partnering, marriage and success.

What the science of human nature can teach us: newyorker.com

Dating During Rutting Season

2011-01-14T18:36:00.000-08:00

RULES OF DATING

Okay, I really don't know for sure when rutting season is, besides being in the fall, for deer at any rate. How do I know this? I had a date the other night and, being new to the D. C. area, I commented to my date, a long-term resident of the area, that I had seen a dead deer beside the road every day for several weeks.

"It's rutting season," he said. With that sort of pause that means, well, you know.

But my clients, and the general level of activity tells me that it IS human rutting season. First of all, more babies are born in September than any other time of year and yes, folks, that's 9 months away. Get it? It's a cold and lonely time of year. It's dark and some of us suffer from SAD (seasonal affective disorder). We have a post-Christmas let down. We suffer from holiday expectations that weren't met - that gift we didn't get, the family get-together that was more like a free-for-all. And the days get cold and dark so fast.

So, yes, it's a time when dating online really picks up.

Men are hard-wired to take action on an emotion, i.e., if they feel bad, they do something to make that go away, and to feel good. this translates to -- If you're lonely - get a date.

Ladies, here are some tips for taking advantage of this time of year and of NOT being TAKEN advantage of this time of year. Most of these apply year 'round, it's just that there's more activity this time of year.

-- Don't read ANYTHING into anything a man says. If he says, "You're the most beautiful woman I've met on match.com," just say, "Thank you" or "Pass the salt please."
-- Actions speak louder than words where men are concerned. Pay attention to a man's behavior and actions, not so much to what he says. Remember, for instance, that if he cares about you and wants to see you, he will MAKE time. We're all "too busy." Unless, of course, it means something to us. Would you ever be "too busy" to go pick up your $1,000,000 lottery check?
-- More than ever during this season, take your time. It is up to the woman to pace the relationship. Do not let the guy get ahead of himself, or try to overwhelm you.
-- Rehearse over and over, "I'm not comfortable with..." It's the nice way to say "no." The pressure will increase this time of year. So practice your responses ahead of time. (Get some coaching if you need some tips on this.)
-- Make some extra time for dating this time of year, because the guys are out there beating the bushes. If you can clear your schedule for some more dating time, you'll enjoy the benefits. It's a good time to meet people.
-- Check out things that you can, i.e., you can visit the man's profile on the Internet and see what's going on. If he's been putting the mash on you, and you go to his profile and see "Active within the last 24 hours" - get a clue.
-- Until a man has demonstrated his sincere interest by actions, and has specifically asked you for an exclusive relationship, keep on dating. It will help you have a clear head.
-- If you catch yourself with a spinning head, call for some coaching, or talk to a friend. You don't want to miss all the action, but it can be overwhelming. dating coaching can help you manage it all better, for the best possible outcomes.
-- Don't ask a man out. Don't 'wink' first. Don't reply to 'winks'. Remember -- the rules of courtship are hard-wired. The man is the pursuer and do the work, and it's got to be more than a "wink".
-- Resist any urges to plan the date, if asked to. He might say he's too busy. First of all, what is he too busy with? Other dates? Secondly, that's his job. Remember - the rules of courtship are hard-wired.

Here's a special tip. Work with a team-mate or better yet, a coach. I have helped women with this. (I'm on the dating sites to learn more, and also to date.) One client was getting some real heavy-duty stuff from a guy online, and somehow smelled a rat. I contacted the guy, and guess what? I got back the exact same email he had written to her. Yes, guys do that. No, you don't want to engage with such a man.

And while we're at it, hone up on your ability to "smell a rat," to "look in the horse's mouth." Dating coaching can really help you learn to eliminate a lot of propblems by helping you understand your intuition. It's our best guide. It is often confused with fantasy, and wishful thinking, so let me help you learn the difference. It can save you a lot of grief.

If you aren't getting much action from your profile, please contact me for some dating coaching. I can help you build a better profile, and one that gets the kind of results that you want.

Deal Breakers when Dating Online

2011-01-11T20:48:00.000-08:00

Dating online is really an art. First let me say that I think it's the best thing since sliced bread. It allows you to swing a wide net, to have an idea of what someone is like before you meet with them, and to see how you blend on important items like wanting kids, smoking, and religious beliefs.

It's very important how you write your online profile. Oddly enough, the number one faux pas seems to be bad grammar and typos.

Another sure looser tactic is to write about what you don't want. Read this and process how you feel (actual profile written by a woman):

Please don't contact me if yu're an addict, a player, or a liar. I've already had too much of that in my life. Also if you can't hold a job or are bankrupt, I don't want to hear from you. And you'd better be willing to be faithful if we get involved. Cheaters have already broken my heart.

I don't know about you, but when I read that I thought, goodness who has this woman been attracting? Why on earth such a litany? Who has she been hanging out with? I think she's got too much baggage to deal with.

Let's just say it raises suspicions about her ability to date intelligently and even to maintain a good relationship.

Even stating the opposite has the same effect, i.e., I want someone who won't lie, won't have affairs on me, and won't beat me.

It's like the "Have you quit beating your wife?"

Let's stay positive when we write our profiles. If you need help writing a good profile, contact me for dating coaching.

Photos Not to Post on your Dating Profile

2011-01-08T03:53:00.000-08:00

PHOTOS ON YOUR DATING PROFILE

Let's talk a moment about what kind of photos you want to put on your dating profile. Guys seem to be the worst offenders in this are, so let's start with photos on your dating profile that are not going to attract a woman to want to date you. Or maybe even to MEET you.

1. I think I can safely say (from interviewing thousands of women) that the #1 turnoff is the photo where you stand in the BATHROOM and take a photo of yourself with your SHIRT OFF and your CELL PHONE SHOWING IN THE PHOTO. What are you thinking? Usually the photo is - well, like a photo you take of yourself in the bathroom. Secondly, consider the connotations - which might include (1) you don't even have a friend who can photograph you? (2) I could wait a year before I wanted to see you in the bathroom; (3) No matter how good your pecs are, it just smacks of narcisissm, not to mention poor taste. I would say "if you must, at least make sure your bathroom looks appealing," except that there's no such thing. Save it.

2. Photos like the one above. It is a good photograph, I'll grant that (and there's something to be said for a man whose a great photographer), but ... somehow I can't really put this in to words. I suppose it means you like to fish. Ladies, if you love to fish, raise your hands. One, two ... Then, somehow this photo lacks what would come with a photo of you on a boat with a marlin or something.
The point is -- think of the connotations.

COMMENTS FROM DATING COACHING CLIENTS:

"If he wants to show me he's a good provider, he could put a big fish on there, or even a deer."

"Huh?"

"I guess he wants us to know he takes a good photograph. I'm not interested much in a man who takes good photographs."

"I like good photos and that, but hey, that's a dead, limp fish."

"LOL"

3. More generally, photos of your game and kill. I've seen photos of a deer hanging, a man in the field in his camou-gear. Worst are the ones (like the above) where just the kill is shown. After that, you with your gun/knife/rod AND the hunt. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm one of those that doesn't mind a guy hunting. Hey, I'm from Texas. But ... would you like to see a photo on my profile of me bowling. Or knitting. Or rocking a baby. These are hobbies. Things I like to do. But is my potential date quite interested in that yet?

To sum it up so far -- no kill, road or others. No bathroom scenes. And actually, most women don't care to see the naked torso on a profile.

Again, think of the connotations. You are putting on there something you love, but you aren't stopping to think what would be appealing to the woman, and that is like a metaphor. It's rather egocentric. And that's not exactly what we're after on our dating profiles.

Let me help you write a profile that will present you well, and help you choose photos that will help you sell yourself in a good light.

4. Tons of art photos. I visited one profile that had no less than 20 great, beautiful photos of nature. Another where the man's hobby wad evidentally bird-watching and there were a ton of bird photos on there. This is a matter of degree. Sure I like to know that a man's a great photographer, because it's one of my hobbies and like-attracts-like, BUT ... one or two would be enough. Also there's the problem that we don't know if it was YOU who took the photo. As i say above, I think it's neat when a guy's a great photographer, and even an appreciator of art, but that isn't explained. I like the Mona Lisa, and I took a great photo of the Mona Lisa when I was at the Louvres, but I don't put my photo of it on my profile.

5. Photos of you with another chick unless it's obviously your mother or daughter. And even then ... We try and screen out players. Help us out here.

6. Lastly, and the online dating sites do a good job of screening these, ladies don't like to see anything too suggestive. Let me sum this up for you -- people like to make money. If there were any money in porno sites for women there would be a ton of them. There aren't. Get it?

What you want is a small selection of great photos of yourself, or your art photos, that tell us who you are and what you're like, but that don't overdo it in any direction.

It's a good idea to let me critique your profile writeup and photos for you. You want to put your best foot forward.

Meeting Organically vs. The Other Ways

2011-01-07T23:15:00.000-08:00

The question was raised recently - what's the best way to meet someone?

For one thing, I think this varies depending on the area of the country and the place where you live. In some places, there are known areas where singles can go and meet others like themselves. In other places, such as the D. C. area, it appears to be easier to meet people online. Just to begin with - finding other singles.

Now which works better for you? I think if you just SEE someone and they appeal to you, this is likely to be physical attraction alone. However, it seems to work very well when you meet someone in a context, such as through a Board you are both on, at work (always tricky though), or church. Then you get to know their personality, not just how they look.

Getting to know someone online, you already know some important things about the person, and these are generally things you wouldn't necessarily know from working with them, or being on a Board with them.

Let's face it, people meet in the most amazing ways. And it happens all the time. But those are chance things. I think there's something to be said for taking action, joining on online dating site, and letting the Universe know that you are interested.

If you need tips on how to screen online folks, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc . A few trips around the block and I can tell you what signs to look for, who to delete right away (and why), and how to proceed. For instance, you want to move it rather rapidly from email to phone to in-person.

Dating online is probably the best way to meet people in the D. C. area where people work long hours, the commutes are long, and, well, it's the style.

Does it work for friends to fix you up -- or family. Most of the people I coach, say "no." Friends are always trying to help friends out in this area, but it's amazing - oh let me say sometimes really awful - to find out who your friends think might be a good date for you. You begin to wonder "What on earth?"

Yes, it works best for you to get out there and take action on your own behalf, because YOU KNOW BEST about what you want. If you need help clarifying this, please call me for coaching. "I like blonds" is not going to get you the life partner you want.

P.S. From what I hear from my many clients, as a dating coach, I would say the least likely way to meet viable candidates is through a match-making service.

Results of the Latest Dating Survey

2011-01-02T18:25:00.001-08:00

SUSAN DUNN DATING COACH

I met tonight with a group to talk about dating. I do this often to keep my pulse on what's going on. Call it a "focus group."

The topic tonight was "What's a deal-breaker for you?"

Well, as with everything else about dating, everyone had a different MAJOR deal-breaker. The things mentioned were "apalling" to the person mentioning them, but seemed "ho hum" to the others. Of course we eliminated things like in-house arrest, sex offender,

There were some minor offenses people mentioned that turned them off. Among them were:
- Sounding desperate
- Too many exclamation points!!!
- Contrived phrases
- When it sounded like you'd had someone write your profile (there are certain phrases those canned writers supply that we all recognize, and that's why I recommend you use my services. Your profile will be unique to you and written for you by me, personally, with your input, of course)
- Bad gramer and spling
- Inappropriate emphasis on sex, money, or God
- A man who writes his daughter is everything to him
- References to being 'in recovery' about anything
- Indications of baggage that was debilitating (even though denied)

There was no consensus on anything physical such as color of hair, height, lack of hair, body size, or degree of 'good' looks. In fact it was obvious that in the physical category "one man's meat is another man's poison."

The absolute deal breaker was when they found out a person had lied. There was much consensus that men lied about their height and women, about their weight.

We agreed it was silly to lie, that you would be found out sooner or later, but still it goes on.

LET ME HELP YOU WRITE A PROFILE THAT SELLS. That's what it's all about, and we want you to have success in 2011. When you finally find the one that's right for you, it's all worthwhile.

There was only one deal-breaker that was agreed

Dating is Worth It

2011-01-01T23:47:00.001-08:00

If you haven't tried, you haven't lived.
People tell me all the time that it's too hard these days, it takes too much work, the rejection gets to be too much, there isn't any true love out there.

This is nonsense!

Yes, it's confusing, it's hard work, it requires committment and effort, but yes, too, it's worth whatever it takes. The fact that it IS hard, is why I'm here. Let me show you the ropes, spoof up your profile, heklp you get the right photo, choose the right online sites for you to join, encourage you when it seems impossible and celebrate with you when it finally qoeka out.

And remember this -- it's 100% rejection until it works out, and that applies to 100% of daters. So, you aren't alone. You especially aren't alone if you let me be your Dating Coach.

Take a look at this great video clip, and refresh your energy and committment to find that one special person for yourself.

Let Susan Dunn the Dating Coach, help you.

Susan Dunn is the DC Dating Coach.
Available for coaching by phone nationally and internationally. Susan Dunn has been the dating coach for hundreds of successful daters. Susan has coached singles of all ages - dating over 50 is one specialty. Email Susan Dunn the Dating Coach at sdunn@susandunn.cc .

DC Dating Coach

2011-01-01T19:06:00.000-08:00

Looking for the key to successful dating?

SUSAN DUNN, DC DATING COACH for men and women in the D. C. area.

I moved to the D. C. area about a year ago, and what a culture shock. The lifestyle here is as daunting as I was told it would me. Some clients I had worked with previously from D. C. (via telephone which is how I do over 50% of my coaching, nationally and internationally) would sometimes claim they were going to give up on dating, saying, "I don't have time for a relationship."

NOW, THE DATING COACH DOESN'T LIKE TO HEAR THAT!

THE PLACE OF WORK IN YOUR LIFE
Work is necessary, work is rewarding, work puts bread on the table and a roof over your head, work stimulates your mind, work is good and noble, work can bring you respect, work can raise your self-esteem, work allows for a certain type of socialising, work is intelectually challenging and satisfying, at best work can be a mission or a passion ....

BUT WHAT IS MISSING HERE?

Man does not live by bread alone. Nor does woman.

THE PLACE OF A RELATIONSHIP IN YOUR LIFE
A special relationship in your life is what makes your life worthwhile. Inter-dependency with a loving other is the way it's supposed to be. It also happens to be vital to your HEALTH -- and this applies even more to MEN than it does to women.

Isolation is harder on your health (say studies) than smoking, obesity and high blood pressure COMBINED. You know that, because you know it feels bad. And by "isolation" they mean emotional connection with people, not just clubbing, networking, or being in a room full of people.

Let me help you with the complexities of today's dating. Susan Dunn the DC Dating Coach is here to help. And if there is ANY area that needs to understand and use online dating, it's in the D. C. area. I have worked with people all over the world with telephone coaching. I am also available to meet with you in-person, having offices in Chevy Chase, Md. and Manassas, Va. Sessions also can be arranged at your place of work, home, or location such as restaurant or Starbucks.

Dating Coaching is at YOUR convenience. There is never a contract; we work session-to-session until you reach success.

TODAY'S TIP: According to match.com, which is probably the most successful and highly-used website (particularly for folks in the D. C. area) -- messages under 30 words and over 300 words will get you deleted. So, make those return emails between 30 and 300 words.

Let me help you with your profile, wording responses, pacing the relationship, figuring out the other person, and the whole dating scene.

TODAY'S GOOD NEWS: Client Sandra, a 65 year old female who lives in Bethesda, just had 6 dates in a row with 6 different men.

So, yes, you can do it.

This happens to be what I call "rutting season" for the males, so ladies, don't miss this current timeframe. Call me at 817-734-1471 or email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc for dating coaching. And guys -- the competition is coming on strong. Let me help you stand out from the crowd. I have clients all over the country, and all ages.

Make your New Year's Resolution to get a dating coach, get a date, and get yourself into a meaningful, fun, and fulfilling relationship for the New Year.

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

Is the most important thing about your profile the grammar?

2010-10-24T09:31:00.000-07:00

Take another look at your Dating Profile online, and let me help you make it work.

We worry about how we present ourselves, and work hard on our profiles, and photos and so forth, but studies show that the most immediate D.E.A.L.B.R.E.A.K.E.R. is spelling. Isn't that interesting?

And guys -- you are the worst at this!

Yes, if you have a misspelled word in there, someone is likely to dismiss you immediately. I know it's a turnoff to me -- in advertising of any sort. I just got a flyer about a seminar that said you could "loose your anger", and I chucked the flyer immediately. If they can't differentiate between "lose" and "loose" in something as important as a flyer, or afford to pay for a good copy-writer, then what kind of seminar will they be presenting?

The same applies to dating. For most of us, we expect the person we date to at least be literate.

Here's proof of the pudding. I send out many ezines, have many blogs, and also email flyers. I have an administrative assistant I dictate some of them to, and I do not always edit. Whenever there has been a typo SOMEONE has written to tell me.

Yes, it matters that much. And "spellcheck" isn't going to catch things like "loose" when you meant "lose," because "loose is spelled correctly. You need a great copy-writer and I can provide that service for you.

Let me write your profile for you.

So come on now! Let me help you write a profile that will work!! Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc.

There is no such thing as safe sex

2010-09-26T13:36:00.000-07:00

As a Dating Coach, I keep up on the Internet dating sites as well as things around town.

IN VOGUE (from the guys): "Friends first"
TRANSLATION: Ladies, I will say this over and over again. It is the MEN who cannot handle sex too soon. Despite that they will ALWAYS accept it if offered. I have heard of so many good relationships, potential-marriage relationships that were ruined because sex came too soon and the man felt "in over my head" or "out of control." (Yes, ladies, I know -- you'd think that would be the once-in-a-lifetime they would LOOK for. Not.)

TRANSLATION: This is when (they tell me) they start having car accidents, double-booking clients, forgetting important meetings, CANCELING important meetings, losing track of time, getting SICK (that's a big sign).

Ladies, it is up to YOU to CONTROL THE PACE OF THE RELATIONSHIP. And it is to yur advantage to do so.

A good time frame to allow sex into the relationship? 3 months is a "rule of thumb," but that can be too soon for some men. Use your feminine intuition. (Let me help you hone yours. It's part of emotional intelligence and can be learned.)

Men need time to ANALYZE what is going on. It is HARD-WIRED that they have to pay attention and be alert at all times, and sex, well you know -- I think it's safe to say what I read on a teen blog the other day:

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS SAFE SEX. ALL SEX IS DANGEROUS.

Dating after 50

2010-09-20T13:09:00.000-07:00

Need singles over 50 who are dating to interview for new book. Please email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc to set up interview time. Can be by phone or email. can be anonymous if you like. But you have information we need to know that can help everyone who's over 50 and sating.

the divorce rate for second marriages is astronomical. It is what is inflating the USS divorce rate (over 50%). The vast majority of this is SECOND MARRIAGES. Yet no one wants to live alone.

We want to interview people who are OVER 50 AND DATING. Please email us at sdunn@susandunn.cc

You know this is hard, I know it's hard. You either have no experience - being newly divorced or newly widowed, or you don't ask out/get asked out enough to gain experience. So, in response to desperate need, I'm co-authoring a book on Dating After 50. It will give our the rules AND the strategy. We'll help you figure out what he means when he says, or she says -- some of our favorites:

I don't need a LTR (Is that code for "just want sex"?)
Let's be friends first and see what happens (Is that code for I really just want sex but I'll sneak it up on you. To us, "friends" and "dates" are totally different animals.)
No druggies, liars, cheats, philanderers. (Is that code for I have attracted and lived with loser my whole life and I'm never going to change?)
I nedz nice woman date fr lifetime. (Is this code for an illiterate person?)
I'm a curmudgeon but I was lucky enough to have a wife who could love me in spite of this. (Is this code for - I have a nasty disposition but since I make good money I was able to get some poor woman to marry me. I pride myself in being unpleasant and my negativity will probably kill you like it did my first wife?)
The real reason I divorced her is that she beat me and she beat the kids. (Is that code for -- I like to be beaten and I'll induce you to beat me too?)

Send us your examples and what they turned out to mean in real life. If you would consent to be interviewed anonymously please email us at sdunn@susandunn.cc . We ALL need this information DESPERATELY.

Thank you and Happy Dating.

The High EQ Way to Choose the Right Man for You

2010-09-12T19:27:00.000-07:00

The HIGH EQ Way to Choose the Right Man for You
Take a look inside him. Ask yourself these questions.

1. What's his EQ? Did you know you can measure it? Since your relationship depends upon your interpersonal skills, it would be smart if you both took the EQ-Map© and then worked with an EQ coach on areas needed. EQ can be learned. Go here - http://tinyurl.com/z94t .

2.Does he have deficits in the limbic brain? This is about eye contact, oxytocin, bonding, parenting, affection, using the word 'we'. If all you're getting is reptilian (sex ) and neocortex (intellectual), why give up good closet space when a Rampant Rabbit and Wikipedia would do?

3.How's the left- right brain balance? Talking to someone who's all left-brain is like getting facts from a machine. Talking to someone who's all right-brain ' they may not be organized enough to show up for the talk!

4.How 'male' brained is he? According to Simon Baron-Cohen ( http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0738208442/susandunnmome-2 0 ), the extreme male brain is good at systematizing, and low on empathy. It takes the average male 7 times longer to process emotional information than for a woman to. What if it takes him 70 times longer? What if he can't get there at all?

5. How does he manage his anger? You need to experience this. Don't make a decision until you've had your first big fight. Make sure you both trust yourselves and the relationship enough to be able to disagree openly and come to a resolution.

6.Will he be there for you? As Oriah Mountain Dream says, will he 'stand in the middle of the fire with [you] and not shrink back?' It's a sign of maturity and character to be able to stand and deliver when you feel like running.

7.Can he be faithful? This isn't a philosophical issue. If it happens to you, it can hit you in the gut.

Male infidelity may be intellectually defensible, but emotionally it destroys the covenant of the relationship the way the radioactive contamination from a nuclear bomb destroys vegetation. It won't be coming back in your lifetime, and without it, there is no relationship.

8.Does he know enough is enough? One should never use more force than is necessary. Can he think before he speaks and then deliver just the right amount. And no more. It shows empathy, self-confidence, and self-control. This means resisting all urges to deliver the big one-two he knows would really really hurt you in a verbal argument.

9.Do you laugh together? If there's anything you can count on to get you through the long haul, it's a sense of humor. Wit gets bonus points with me. It can be used in public, and can save your marriage on a 6-hour car trip with a carsick kid and a broken air-conditioner. Silliness -- now that's the sign of true lovers.

10.Does he say nice things to you about you and the relationship? The formula is 3 positive things for each negative thing. Does he do this? Is he willing to learn?

About the author: ©Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Coaching, Internet courses and ebooks on relationships, emotional intelligence, career, transitions, retirement.

Susan is the author of 'Midlife Dating Survival Manual for Women," available here: http://www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html , the best ebook library on the Internet.

For FREE EQ ezine, mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc and put 'ezine' for subject line.

Dating, Hugs and Oxytocin

2010-09-12T15:59:00.000-07:00

There's nothing like moving somehwere to get a new perspective on things. It's like vacations. My grandmother used to tell me, "Every now and then you need to get away. When you're 'away' you will look at all your problems like you were way up on the moon, and they were far, far away."

Well, not surprisingly, here in the D. C. area, things are "cooler" than they were in hot, hot San Antonio, and I'm not just talking about the weather here. As I wrote earlier, a man who has lived here quite a while, but also a transplant, told me 'The women here don't look you in the eye. They look everywhere else.' You also don't see a lot of physical contact, and, for instance, the distance between people when you stand in line, like at Starbucks (proximity) is much greater.

The same goes for other modes of nonverbal expression, like hugs, which I decided to write about today, because it's mentioned so much. I was prompted to by watching a video touting the release of oxytocin that you get from a 20 SECOND HUG, which I think might be called holding someone, or being held. 20 seconds is a very long time for a "social hug." That having been said, what I wanted to add here is that only in an area like D.C. could there be a radio show like "Delila" which is on the popular station at night. It is THE most touchy-feely radio show you can imagine, with people invited to call in and talk about their love - lost, current, unrequited, etc. and anything else emotional. People call in who have lost a spouse, are having trouble with their neighbors, have witnessed child abuse and want to know what to do about it, are grieving a job, etc. Delila comments and then plays them a song she chooses as appropriate. She also gives advice to the lovelorn. All this in Washington, D. C. and ... no one ever owns up to listening to it. Since I meet with clients a good bit at night (for their convenience) I hear it often. It is always soothing.

Okay -- let's take a look at hugs.

Oxytocin is a hormone that relaxes blood pressure and cortisol levels, increases pain thresholds, reduces anxiety, and stimulates various types of positive social interation. It also promotes growth and healing. It is best-known as the lactating hormone, but it's around and released in other ways, particularly hugging.

OK, it's released with orgasm too, but particularly when there is DEEP EMOTIONAL CONNECTION, i.e., the difference between "having sex" and "making love."
It plays an important role in stress and pain. Repeated exposure to oxytocin produces long-lasting effects by influencing the activity of other transmitter systems. Oxytocin can be released by various types of sensory stimulation, for example by touch and warmth, light, sounds (music), massage, hugs, sex and the ingestion of food.

This is one explanation for why positive interaction involving touch and psychological support, such as therapy, coaching, etc. can be so beneficial. You can see here as well why ISOLATION is harder on the health than obesity, blood pressure and smoking COMBINED. And why it's so important to have good emotional intelligence -- so you can have lots of great relationships. (Call me for coaching!)

How It Works

If you've read my ezines and/or taken the Emotional Intelligence course, you know all about the amygdala, and this figures in here.

Oxytocin suppresses the activity of the amygdala, which processes fear and communicates it to the rest of the brain, controls fear and anxiety, and detects threat stimuli and links them to defensive behaviors via the brain stem and hypothalamic structures, which organize fear responses. Oxytocin tempers the excitatory inputs into the amygdala.

This is why we say, when we're falling in love, "I feel safe."

You can see how beneficial this all is. I'm sure, too, you can recognize people whose amygdala is set just a bit too high. Where everything seems like a threat to them.

So get out there and give and get your hugs, and getcha some!

Dating outside your culture

2010-09-12T07:54:00.000-07:00

How do you choose a compatible mate?

I'm often asked about dating outside your culture (ethic group, etc.) This is tricky, as you know, or you wouldn't be asking. According to the Icerberg Theory of Culture, many things about cultured are deeply ingrained, but also 9/10ths of culture is our of conscious awareness.

Recall that the major precept of Emotional Intelligence is self-awareness. This means becoming conscious of many things, including what your "culture" is, what it dictates, and how much you are willing to bend.

Above the water, in the Iceberg theory are:
Fine Arts
Literature
Drama
Classical Music
Folk Dancing
Games
Cooking
Notions of Modesty
Conceptions of Beaty

Therefore, as we have said before, a great CLUE as to who you might get along with, is their taste in music.

However, below the surface are a myriad of things, including "Courtship Practices". Others are

Conversational patterns in various sdocial contexts
Netions of adolescense
Body language
Ordering of time
Facial expressions
Arrangements of physical space
Patterns of handling emotions
Preference for Competition or Cooperation
Ideals of governing
Child raising
Rules of descent
Relationship to animals
Cosmology
Patterns of Superior/Subordinate Behavior
Definitions of sin
Incentives to work
Notions of leadership
Tempo of work
THEORY OF DISEASE
Patterns of Group Decision-Making
Conception of Cleanliness
Concepton of Status Mobility
Approaches to problem-solving
Eye behavior
Conception of past and future

AND MUCH, MUCH MORE.

Check these out when you're dating. They are very important for compatibility.

What Turns Women Off

2010-09-06T06:31:00.000-07:00

No bit surprises here, but eHarmony's list of top ten turnoffs for women is worth watching: http://advice.eharmony.com/?page=slideshows/view&slideshow=12&index=10

Wonder what actually turns MEN off? LOL.

Anyways, among this predictable list are lying, being mean, cheating, and cleanliness.

The basics.

Want to become a certified Dating Coach? I have trained and certified coaches all over the world. Core courses are on the Internet, and weekly phone call. Or come to D. C. for a weekend intensive.

how do you get a man when you're over 60

2010-09-05T09:54:00.000-07:00

DO YOU KNOW HOW TO LOOK IN THE HORSE'S MOUTH??

I get asked this a lot, and so I looked on the Internet! Here's an interesting article, and one thing it mentions, in passing, is that "some people" are afraid of the Internet. Please don't be. But wait, let me interject here that I asked for "get" and what I got was "meet." Ah yes, well that's the very first step.

Anyways, if you're not into the Internet and you're of the older generation, that's a great first step for you. There are tons of older men looking for a woman, and you can meet many through the Internet. I am looking for a relationship, I use the Internet and I have never met any but the nicest guys. It's probably because I really know how to filter them. So let me know if you need help on this. There are many listed safety rules, but the first one is -- okay lets use an EQ term -- being able to look in the horse's mouth. Some of the things that help me make the decision of whether to meet a man for coffee or a drinki are:

1. His profile photos - does he look degenerate (if you need that defined, call me)
2. How he makes contact. People who are weird are weird and they don't know it and they can't help being that way, so you'll get it right in your face.
3. Photos they may send. Like I said, I'm big on the Internet, and I just got a friend-request on fb from a guy whose photo was strictly of him in a speedo bikini, and just that area in the photo. That's an immediate delete in my book. Might be your cup of tea. The thing is -- he is putting it right out there. So PAY ATTENTION.
4. Agree to meet somewhere public for the first time. That just makes sense. Drive your own car.
5. Pay attention to early emails. If he says things you don't like, eliminate him. Men tend to put it right out there, as I'm said. If he wants FWB and you're into that, go for it. Just know what you're getting into. If you don't know what that means, call me for coaching.
6. Just observe ordinary safety precautions - meet in a clean, well-lighted place. Take your own car. Have you cell phone handy. If it smells bad, it is, so get up and leave. I've done that. I figured I was just saving us both time.

For more tips on dating after 50, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc or contract for some coaching. You won't regret it. I'm in this business and I know much older men suffer from being alone. Nobody knows how to meet eligible people, so you be the one who does!

The Role of Attraction

2010-09-05T09:05:00.000-07:00

Attraction plays such a major role in our dating. This is particularly difficult to handle if you're dating after a divorce. You are likely to be attracted to the same sort of individual, and yet are still full of all the negatives about the ex. After all, opposites attract and then repel.

In their book "It's Actually Your Parents Fault," the authors give you two solutions. Marry someone you aren't that attracted to, or change your personality.

I would phrase this another way. You are likely to be attracted to the same type all your life -- men more than women do this. And intellectually you know its because that other person has traits you admire, wish you had, etc. Then they get irritating, because ... because YOU DON'T HAVE THEM. The neatnik married the free spirit, and the games begin.

But it's the game it's about. I would be sad, I think to marry someone you "aren't that attracted to," because then there won't be that bond that binds.

And changing your personality is not in my vernacular. Lets look at it as becoming jore self-aware, raising your emotional intelligence and your relationship skills. Intellectually you know you love him because you're emotional and tend to worry, and he's solid like a rock. So don't forget that when the fighting starts! You married him BECAUSE OF those things. Use them. Learn how to work with them.

P.S. And help your OTHER remember, always, why he fell in love with you in the first place.

For dating coaching, call me at 817-734-1471. Offices in Manassas, Va and Chevy Chase, Md.

If you keep dating the wrong people: A Cautionary Tale

2010-09-03T17:38:00.001-07:00

When the 2 wrong people get together - from "Actually It Is Your Parents Fault," a book by Munching and Katz. A great book I recommend you read if you keep having dysfunctional relationships.

Suicide via Psychiatrist .. or taking justice into your own hands

Sounds like something out of one of those 58 spin-offs of LAW & ORDER, I know, but it's true: a court-appointed psychiatrist, Manuel Poggi, spent 4 days giving a suspected murderer named Diaz a battery of tests, and then took his own belt and strangled Diaz, who didn't resist. "I had to do it for the good of society," Poggi told a news conference held in the police precinct where he'd committed the crime. "The hour had come to apply justice," he said. Poggie told reporters he'd been driven by frustration into killing Diaz, suspected in 8 grizzly murders, whom he described as "a monster of superior intelligence."

Ironically, there were police officers right outside the room where Poggi and Diaz were talking, put there by the head of the police homicide division, for Poggi's protection. The fact that Diaz didn't call out or try to make some noise that would alert the guards convinced at least one police official that Diaz had actually induced Poggi to murder him. In other words, the officvial believed that Diaz had committed suicide-by-psychiatrist.

_________________________________
Take a look/feel at how "inducable" you are. And how you may be inducing others to do things. This is the SELF-AWARENESS we talk about in emotional intelligence. In fact it is the CORNERSTONE of emotional intelligence.
For coaching, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc

How can you tell?

2010-08-22T20:47:00.000-07:00

Susan Dunn, the Dating Coach reminds you ...
Men are visual.
For women, it's all about words.

How can you tell when someone is right for you?

Many people say they can tell within the first 5 minutes if this is someone they want to see again.

Can you?

Here are some of the reasons women have told me that made them sure they didn't want to see the guy again. It's about "chemistry," but here it is, broken down. Now, don't be discouraged, because there's one thing for sure -- one man's meat is another man's poison. for every women who wants the door opened for her, there's one who thinks that's "sexist." Guys -- I just want you to see the kinds of things women pay attention to.

He didn't act like a man. He didn't open the door for me, pull my seat out, take charge.
He had on weird clothes.
He couldn't talk about anything. Not a good conversationalist.
He kept looking at other women who walked in.
Dirty fingernails.
Used bad grammar.
Seemed unsure of himself.
Made tacky/sleezy comments.
Asked if I had sex on the second date.
Talked about what was wrong with all the other women he had dated.
He was sad. Just too sad. That guy needed to do a lot of work on himself.
Acted like I was a therapist, not a date.
Cursed.
Was unsure of himself. Couldn't even get himself together enough to get a waiter over to the table.
And here's why you need a dating coach: Woman A: He had on Brooks Brothers. No way. Woman No.2: I like a guy who dresses Brooks Brothers.

Yes, it's confusing. There are some general things that will turn off any but a totally desperate woman. I believe the first thing always mentioned is grooming - being dirty, smelly or unkempt.

For Dating Coaching, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc. We can work by phone and email, at your office or home, or at my offices - Manassas, VA and Chevy Chase, MD. I've helped thousands of people navigate the trecherous waters of dating in today's world. Special expertise in the hardest age group -- those over 40.

Watch for my new book coming out soon -- "HOW TO GET HIM BACK."

Toby Keith - How Do You Like Me Now?

2010-08-20T21:03:00.000-07:00

I love this video because I'm a coach - Toby Keith's HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW.

Combine this -- "How Do You Like Me Now" with the Forbes video (http://video.forbes.com/fvn/personalbest/toby-keith-lessons-in-success) where Toby Keith talks about his rise to fame. (He made $52 million in 08).

The first thing he attributes his success to is HARD WORK.

Now, let's face it, dating in today's world is HARD WORK.

If you're struggling with rejection, just got dumped in an email by the man of your dreams who led you on, can't seem to get a good opening line, had a great txt relationship going and now she won't write back ...let me coach you.

LET ME COACH YOU SO YOU CAN SAY 'HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?'

"Mon coeur s'ouvre a ta voix" - Olga Borodina

2010-08-16T21:09:00.000-07:00

What it is that men fear so much.

Have you had the experience of dating, and falling in love, and he's falling in love -- you can tell it -- and then he runs. He disappears.

This phenomenon is so wel exhibited in this beautiful aria.

So, ladies, it up to you to remember -- it is YOU who MUST control the pace of the relationship, or he will get scared and run.

Q0oJCI/hqdefault.jpg)" width="425" height="344">

Toby Keith- How Do You Like Me Now.

2010-08-16T20:28:00.000-07:00

Check out the subtle na-na-na-na in this one.
Hey! Dating is rough. It's all rejection until the day it finally works out, and we have to keep the faith, keep our confidence, and keep at it -- because-- someone out there is looking for you.l

She married into money ... "he never comes home and you're always alone."

Some want money
Some want party
Some want kids
Some want handsome

Keep looking and let me, the Dating Coach, help you.

Being a Beautiful Woman. Good thing or bad thing?

2010-08-16T15:00:00.000-07:00

From today's mailbag to the Dating Coach:

Dear Susan Dunn Dating Coach:

I am completely shocked and heart-broken. I dated this guy for over 3 months. He told me I was beautiful .. fantastic ... asked me if I'd been in movies ... said I was the sexiest woman he'd ever been with. Said that men didn't just stare at me, they came right up to me.

Then abruptly he sent me an email breaking it off. Said he wanted to "flatten" the relationship. He's a doctor and I guess that meant "flatline." The whole thing has just made me sick, to have misjudged so much, and I don't want to date again, don't want to put my heart on the line.

Suggestions?

Signed,
Flatlined

Dear Flatlined:

First of all, that's just horrible. I've never heard that term used and it makes me sick to read it. (Were there other clues this guy was a little weird?)

One thing that comes to mind to me here (but I need to talk to you in person) is that this guy was insecure. He mentions other guys coming up to you and how beautiful you are -- either for sure, or to him.

Reminds me of the line, "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a lovely woman your wife."

My bet, and it's just a hunch is that this guy was a 2-time loser (at least) (am I right?) and very very insecure. He was attracted to your beauty, sex appeal, and YOU, and then got himself scared.

How to prevent this? Anticipate it? Call me for coaching and let's process this every step of the way. There is something to be learned here and I want to help.

Sincerely,
The Dating Coach with the Paddles (LOL)

Can 2 First-Borns Make a Good Pair?

2010-08-09T21:15:00.000-07:00

THE DATING COACH coaches internationally by phone and email. I also have offices in Manassas VA and Chevy Chase MD. I'm waiting to help you get the show on the road.

This is the best answer I've heard to that. My client wrote

C: Hey, do you think 2 first-borns can make it as a couple?

HE REPLIED:

Answer...don't see why not as long as I am in charge!! Just kidding, meant as long as you are in charge!! Oops, wrong again!!! Seriously, I think things work as long as there is a mutual respect, understanding and sharing, and a lotta compromise, etc. (Tho, I gotta be careful not to sound too sensitive or I'll lose my card to the "Guys Club!")

We like that part about the "Guys' Club" too. This guy wrote the kind of response you like to get, and are v. likely to answer.

What did my client reply:

ANSWER: ROFL. Best laugh I've had in a week. Let's meet and see if we get along. Wait a minute. You're supposed to be the one asking.

NEED A DATING COACH? Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc and let's get to work on your dating situation. Life isn't meant to be lived alone. I have some great tips on profiles, what the guys like, what the gals like. The Dating Coach knows!

It isn't easy, so why go it alone? Sometimes just one or two sessions does the trick. 817-734-1471 if you're in a hurry.

Need a Dating Coach

2010-08-08T22:30:00.000-07:00

from Safa.TV

We all need love and today's dating scene is complex. Let me help you. Coaching by phone, email; offices in Chevy Chase, MD and Manassas, VA. Seminars. Ebooks. You need it, we have it, and we want to see you happy!

Sweet kissing animals

2010-08-08T22:28:00.000-07:00

from Safa.TV

Limbic brain -- emotional connection with mammals, humans

Love it!

Call me for coaching at 817-734-1471. Offices in Chevy Chase, MD and Manassas, VA and coaching internationally and nationally by phone, Internet, email. Internet courses and ebooks.

Do You Get Nervous on Dates?

2010-07-29T15:26:00.001-07:00

Let's face it, dating in today's world is quite complicated. No matter how good you are at your job, or anything else, dating can really throw you. You can completely lose your composure, and then you're really in trouble.

Here it is from Christian Carter:

If you find yourself losing your composure too often, letting your emotions take over and regretting it too often after the fact... and you're starting to recognize that not all of what you're doing and choosing to do with a man is totally CONSCIOUS... then it's time you took the time and the steps to take care of what's going on INSIDE YOU first.

What's he's talking about here is the emotional intelligence (EQ) competency of SELF-AWARENESS. Not the kind of self-awareness that makes you nervous and overly critical of yourself, but the kind that lets you "have a clue" -- lets you know what you're doing that gets you what you want, and what you're doing that doesn't get you what you want.

As a dating coach, probably the most frequent question I get is "What did I do wrong?" The woman or the man has disappeared, the client is heart-broken, and the processing begins.

Don't despair! This can all be learned. Call me for dating coaching (817-734-1471) or email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc. I am a certified Dating Coach.

Why Don't More People Hire a Dating Coach

2010-07-14T19:40:00.001-07:00

I can't help but wonder this as I go about my daily life; that is, when I'm not being a Dating Coach, but just out and about. It seems like ANY conversation I get into with a person who is single, ends up being about how to make this dating thing work.

For instance the other I ran into an old friend of mine at the shopping center and we went over to Starbucks to have a latte and catch up. Soon her conversation was full of all the things she had been DOING to attract this man she was interested in and considered "marriage material."

I asked her what she had been "doing" and she told me about txting him all the time, phoning him on his cell, finding him on fb and asking him to be her friend, tracking down his home phone number, and even lurking around the Chipotle that he went to.

Oh my!

This woman definitely needs a dating coach. One of the most important things to learn right away if you are dating, is to remember that the rules of dating/courtship go way, way back. The basic idea is that the man is the pursuer. At the beginning of what is not even a "relationship" yet, the woman should just sit there and watch the man pursue. THERE SHOULD NEVER BE INITIATING BY A WOMAN. If he txts, txt back. If he calls and asks you to call him, call him back.

Stay tuned for more tips from the dating coach.

When They Break Up with You

2010-02-16T23:01:00.000-08:00

WHEN THEY BREAK UP WITH YOU -- STOP, LOOK AND LISTEN -- with your coach

One of the hardest things to deal with in life is when the one you love and want to marry, breaks up with you. They may ask for "space," or simply distance. Whatever it is, they pull out, and you can feel it.

What happens after that is what fellow dating coach Ed Banks calls getting "hijacked."

In emotional intelligence terms, "hijacked" means when the reptilian brain and limbic brain takeover. What do they "take over?" The thinking brain -- the one that could possibly get your ex back for you!

According to Lewis, Amini and Lannon, who wrote "A General Theory of Love," losing a loved one is a PHYSIOLOGICAL EVENT, and if you've gone through the breakup of a serious relationship, you know what this means, even if you don't know the fancy vocabulary.

You become obsessed with the person you loved. You can't think about anything else. You suffer - emotionally and physically. It's akin to torture. You can't eat, or you eat chocolate all day. YOu can't sleep, or you can't get out of bed. Everything reminds you of them, and how it felt to be with them, and how much you long to be with them again. Anger can flip-flop with fear, despair, and pain.

You think of what you can say to them to make them change their mind. You want to tell them you've changed. You want to know WHY, so you can FIX IT. You think about how good it was, and wonder why they didn't think so too. You are confused and devastated. And HIJACKED.

It can be hard to concentrate on work and essential duties. Some of the thousands of clients I've worked with, worldwide, even say they can't eat or sleep, and every day seems like a life sentence.

How do you work your way out of this? Please call for coaching, because you do NOT want to approach your "ex" (I know, just that word is painful) in this state. There are ways to get through ... and then ways to begin the re-approach that can work for you.

Email me for coaching and advice, sdunn@susandunn.cc .

I've been through this, you know people who have, I hope you are not, but if you are, then get some help with this. Or recommend my services to a friend who is suffering.

Meanwhile,
DO NOT:

Dial/text drunk
Threaten
Call their parent, sibling, best friend
Plead
Sleep with their best friend - vindictive, and just tacky - they'll never forgive you
Beg
Harass
Stalk - even MINI-stalking is bad
Wear out a friend -- get a coach instead
Start drinking/drugging and add a bigger problem to your initial problem
Try and argue logically or rationally with them -- this isn't a "rational" thing
Throw tantrums, scream and cry
Badger them
Show up where you know they'll be -- that bookstore on Sunday afternoon. Right now, they don't want to see you -- so don't.

Until you can work yourself out of this position, nothing is going to work.

Choosing a Marital Partner is like Finding X

2010-02-15T19:01:00.000-08:00

Quote from client's mother:

"Marrying someone should be the easiest decision you ever make."

Agree? Disagree? let's hear from you.

How to Repel a Man faster than Raid on Bugs

2010-02-10T11:34:00.001-08:00

YOU DID WHAT???
From today's emailbag:

"Geez, I thought I played this one right. I never once called him. I waited forever to reply to his emails and just sent snippets. I didn't sleep with him for months. I sometimes wasn't available when he wanted to go out. I made it as hard for him as I could cuz I was really crazy about him. I gave him one and only one phone number, though he asked for more, and tried to reach me via email and fb too. Then he did the "need space" s***. Said he wanted to stay in touch. Said he'd call, hasn't. Did I do something wrong??"

Puzzled

Dear Puzzled:

Okay, ante-up here. Did you drunk dial/txt?
Susan

Reply:

How did you know?

LADIES, this is the #1 thing to AVOID when he's gone off to get his space, or recover from how crazy he got in love with you, or whatever else he's doing. As Coastal Guy writes in his great little article -- PLEASE AVOID THE TEMPTATION TO DRUKNK-DIAL, DRUNK-TEXT. NO GOOD CAN COME OF IT. EVER. I'm putting that big and bold. We've all done it -- once. If you've done it, then you know. If you haven't, please take the word of those who have.

And it's the thing you want to do the most when you're in pain -- and yes, this is suffering - when you fell in love, and he fell off the planet. My best suggestion is get a Wing Buddy - and that's a coach. I have done this for many men and women. I will tell you how to avoid this drunk/---ing, and be there for you when you just must. (Can't tell you the drunk-dials I've taken, to save people from self-sabotaging.) So call me at 817-734-1471, or email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc and sign up for coaching. Long-distance is fine. If you're in the DC area, we can meet in my office.

Now some tips from this article, by a guy, about when a guy's not calling you. For the full article, go here.

GOOD DATING (from the guy's point of view):

One contact number. If you give him fb, home phone and cell and work ... you get it. You look desperate.

LADIES, NOTE: THIS 'APPEARING DESPERATE' IS A REAL BIG TURNOFF FOR MEN. Just about anything -- real or unreal -- can signal it, so call me for coaching is you've got one you're desperate for, LOL.

Because HERE'S THE POINT. Men and women are different (you heard it first here). We women are highly selective, and so when we finally meet a man we could love (out of the 100 we've already rejected this year), we ARE the famous for "appearing desperate" to the man. Men are wired differently.

For instance I've coached lots of women who made the mistake of hopping right into bed with this one man they've met they could truly love, after the 100 they've rejected, and the man says, "You're very sexy." Not knowing it's strictly your response to him, and how you are with him.

That having been said, GET A WING BUDDY. Set up a coaching contract with me. It could save your relationship.

Other tidbits:

-- If you just met him and gave him your number and he's not calling, process the interaction. Call me and we'll go over it. He coulda been being polite; he coulda been drunk. Gotta know this!

-- If it's new and he hasn't called and you want to use the techno-vine, just do it once. One phone call. One fb. As our writer writes, more than that "is overkill and repels men faster than Raid on bugs."

-- Do flirty little messages. They like the fantasy/projection. Your therapist may get a fast heart-beat listening to MORE THAN THAT, but early dating is about fun! Quick chat on phone, if he calls, ending with "Oops, gotta go!" Chirp like a little songbird!

Now, straight from the guy's writing:

Step 6 The trick to waiting for a phone call is to not wait. Don't play that game. You have a life to live. Live it! The more you have going for you; the more "in demand" you are with other friends and social events, only makes you more attractive. Which leads to --

Step 7 Men generally want what we can't have. We're wired to want more and are never satisfied with what we already have. True, make yourself available, just not too available. Mentally turn the tables around. If he does call you back, wait a day or so to return his call.

Step 8 If he doesn't call you back, don't get mad; get even. Go out and meet someone who's worthy of your time. Best of luck!

You already know, if you've read my stuff, that we NEVER return an email or phone call in less than 24 hours. Right? Got it?

Email me for "the rules." Mention this blog article and I'll send them to you free.

Susan Dunn, Dating Coach

When It's "Fixable" and When It Isn't

2010-01-22T22:12:00.000-08:00

From the email bag:

Dear Dating Coach:

This guy picked me up for a date. I have a room-mate and he picked me up at my place. We went out for the date. To me, he didn't act like a man. We went to the first place and they said there was a wait. So he just left. The next place they said there was a wait. He turned and stared at me. I said, let's sit down and have a drink. I mean he's retired and I guess does nothing all day but I was tired and not in the mood to walk a mall. The dinner table conversation went okay. Then when he drove me back home, he just stopped in the middle of the street in front of my house and said, "well good night."

THEN he had the nerve to call the next day and ask what went wrong.

I didn't think it was worth my time but I said "Well for starters you just dumped me out in the middle of the street."

He said, "Well I thought you should've asked me in."

I said, "Well I don't ask men in my house."

Who's right and who's wrong?

__________________________
Well, this is classic. Who's right and who's wrong? Well the two of you just don't get along, how's that? Sounds like from the get-go. Please remember, it isn't supposed to be HARD with a man you like, it's supposed to be easy. Like you generally drift along on the manners-things. Here are some examples:

You're the kind who expects the doors to be opened, and he opens them.
You expect to be asked in advance to a nice place, and he calls you Weds. to take you out Sat. to a good restaurant
You're the kind who hates formality. He asks you to have coffee with him at a Starbuck's.
You like rap and he's got it on his car radio. Loud, the way you like it.
You like to sit next to the man in a restaurant and that's where he sits.

Many of these things seem subtle, but in actuality, they are non-negotiables. As the poet said, You fall in love with his chest, the tilt of her eyebrow, something about the way she folds her hands, the way he looks when you talk about something emotional.

You FAIL to fall in love for even smaller reasons. Trust me ... I get letters. When we are in love we talk like poets, but when we can't stand someone, it is small things, and direct, AND THEY DO NOT EVER CHANGE. It is things such as these that I've heard from clients:

He slurped his soup.
There was a stain on her blouse.
Her makeup looked like war paint.
Worse kiss I ever had.
She used swear words.
He didn't stand up when I left and came back to the table.
He stood up when I left and came back to the table.

Gentle Reader, I want you to notice the last two, because I hear stuff like this all the time. "One man's meat is another man's poison." For every woman who demands formal manners and behavior, there's another woman who can't stand "any of that stuff" and wants to meet at the 7-11 in her jeans and t-shirt.

Pay careful attention to how you feel with your date. It's the little things that get to you, and they will only get worse. If he speaks sharply to the waiter and you get a twinge on the second date, 6 months later it will be the deal breaker.

For DATING COACHING, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .

Dating and the Cell Block Tango

2010-01-03T18:50:00.000-08:00

Did you break up because of "artistic differences"?

Dating is difficult in today's world. Let me help you through the rought spots.

Getting over a Breakup at the Holidays

2009-12-25T01:06:00.000-08:00

GETTING OVER A BREAKUP AT THE HOLIDAYS

"Feel those Feelings,"
Article by guest write Michael Myerscough

Lately I've had a run of clients having a very hard time getting over the end of a relationship. Coincidentally I'm also in the January edition of Psychologies magazine in an article called 'What becomes of the broken hearted?' Getting over a
relationship can be especially difficult as the holidays roll up so let me share some secrets with you about how to heal. If you're not dealing with a break up currently, but you know someone who is, maybe forwarding this ezine on will help them.

I have a client called Dorothy who's struggling to let go of a relationship with a guy who she'd initially thought was perfect for her. When we first started working together Dorothy was really angry and frustrated that yet again she was going to
have to re-build her love life. The one good thing about those feelings was that they removed any temptation to get straight back into dating.

The first step for any client I work with in this situation is to have them feel their feelings which is an essential part of the healing process. If you're already sick of feeling bad then feel free to skip to the next phase which I outline here:

http://www.therelationshipgym.com/how_to_get_over_a_break_up.htm

Some people really struggle with feeling certain feelings. Some of us are easier with anger, others with grief. Dorothy was more than comfortable with being angry but was very reluctant to admit that her anger was masking her feelings of hurt and
loneliness. Those feelings made her feel vulnerable in a way she resisted furiously. I encouraged her to explore all of her feelings by writing a 'Grief' letter to her ex.

To write your letter take the time to explore what you are going to miss and what you aren't going to miss. What are you angry about? What are you sad about? What do you fear this break up means? What was your part in the break up? What are you always going to love or appreciate about your ex?

This is referred to as a ladder of emotion and it's great to write your letter in the above order. Feel free to use those questions as headers. That said if you need to keep coming back to anger then please do and then work your way back up the ladder again. It's important that you realise that you are never going to send this letter, this way you can explore being totally unreasonable and maybe even, what would previously have been, unbearably open about just how hurt you feel.

Explore these questions in such a way that you can feel all the things you suspect may be true even if you'd rather they weren't. Write the letter as if you were writing it to someone who really cares about how you feel.

It's really important that you take time to do this. Every time you leave a relationship there is a danger that you will harden your heart due to the pain and disappointment. That hardening makes you less attractive and can begin to limit your ability to love.

If you do this properly you'll be able to reconnect with at least some of the love you felt for this person you've parted from. Not in a way that eats at you but in a way that nourishes your sense of having a life worth loving. If you've loved deeply once, then you can do it again. It takes work to keep your heart healthy and open but it's very valuable work.

This is the first step in a process that can take anywhere from days to months and it's a good solid first step. When Dorothy first began to be honest about how sad and lonely she felt she got scared about how overwhelming it felt. As if somehow she
could become lost in the feelings or she'd never feel good again. This process requires you to acknowledge that your feelings are not something to be afraid of. If you're feeling sad you are only sad. It doesn't necessarily mean there's something wrong with your life that must be fixed. Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to just acknowledge that you do feel sad.

The end of a relationship is often the death of something you found to be beautiful for a while. That said, no matter how big your grief is, you're going to get through it. You are far bigger than your worst feeling.

Two months on Dorothy has learned a lot about her self and one of her unexpected breakthroughs is that being alone at home no longer makes her feel like there's something wrong with her. Suddenly being alone isn't so scary and from this place she's in a much better position to think about who she'd actually like to make a part of her life. When it comes to Finding Mr. Right the first step is to clear up what's gone on in the past so you can be free of it. Feeling your feelings is the quickest route to healing and the only way out is through. Just remember that even your darkest minute is only 60 seconds long.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tips on getting over a breakup

For the next steps in healing a broken heart visit
http://www.therelationshipgym.com/how_to_get_over_a_break_up.htm

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
© Copyright 2005 The Relationship Gym by Michael Myerscough. All Rights Reserved. May be freely copied and distributed as long as you include the following information: "By Michael Myerscough, professional speaker and relationship success
coach. Michael has lots of great tips, tools and articles on his website that you can use. Visit him at http://www.therelationshipgym.com/ and sign up for the fr*ee
relationship information. "

Susan Dunn's Communication Operating Principles for Dating

2009-12-04T17:27:00.001-08:00

Comunication is essential to good dating. Here are my communication operating principles.

Favorite Communication Operating Principles
by Susan Dunn

Virginia Sapir, a psychologist and pioneer in family counseling, wrote: "Once a human being has arrived on this earth, communication is the largest single factor determining what kinds of relationships he makes with others and what happens to him in the world about him."

With this in mind, I present some my favorite Communication Operating Principals.

1. "In order to understand what another person is saying you must assume it is true and try to imagine what it could be true of."
~ George Miller ~

2. "The first law of communication is: Assume you have been misunderstood."
~ Source Unknown ~

3. "Men can take up to 7 hours longer [than women] to process complex emotive data. [They] will not know what they feel at the moment of feeling and will take longer to figure it out. [They] may not be able to put their feelings in words - if they choose a verbal strategy at all."
~Michael Gurian, author of "What Could He Be Thinking" ~

4. "Verbal confrontation is as natural to men as walking or breathing, and as unconscious."
~ Suzette Haden Elgin, author of "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense" ~

5. "There is a libraryful of research to indicate that logic is almost useless as a way of convincing people of anything."
~ Suzette Haden Elgin ~

6. "Never use Hedges ('I know you'd never let me, but . '). They are exactly equivalent to wearing a big sign that say 'Please kick me - I would love to be a victim.'"
~ Suzette Haden Elgin ~

7. "If a man truly wants to communicate with his wife, he must enter her world of emotions."
~ Gary Smalley ~

8. "For parlor use, the vague generality is a life saver."
~ George Ade ~

9. "The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said."
~ Peter Drucker ~

10. "Sympathetic people often don't communicate well. They * back reflected images which hide their own depths."
~ George Eliot ~

11. "If you can always be taken by surprise because you have no idea what verbal aggression is or how to spot it, you are an ideal target."
~ Suzette Haden Elgin ~

12. "The genius of communication is the ability to be both totally honest and totally kind at the same time."
~ John Powell ~

Whether we're communicating at work, socially, or in an intimate relationship, and whether we're communicating thoughts or feelings, it's a strategy, a choice we make in an effort to accomplish something. And, it's good to remember - if you're there, you're communicating SOMETHING, whether you mean to or not.

Interpersonal skills are part of emotional intelligence and can be learned. Become aware of your communication style and work to improve it.

Dating? Beware the Holidays

2009-12-02T18:25:00.000-08:00

Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc for Dating Coaching, or call 817-734-1471.

TAKING THE PULSE OUT THERE FOR THOSE OF US WHO ARE DATING

I have coached daters (men and women both) for decades and I want to give you a warning about this time of year -- between mid-November and Christmas.

On the one hand, single men will go into heat (as it were) and be beating the bushes for a woman, any woman. This is not a particularly 'discriminatory' time of the year. They are lonely. It's cold and they want to snuggle. It's the holidays and they want (as they call it to me) "that female energy" to give them the feeling of a home and all that other good stuff. (What stuff? Just look at the dwelling of the average bachelor ... it's soooooo sad.)

Here's the other thing that will happen. If your relationship is relatively new (let's say less than 6 months, or at least not 'tried and tested' and no ring has been put on it), one or the other of the couple is likely to break and run.

Why?

Just because everyone's stressors go up at this time of year, and (1) you might be overwhelmed and feel like the only thing you can dump is the relationship; or (2) you might just get anxious, stressed, and attribute it (arbitrarily) to "the relationsip."

So, what to do? First of all, knowledge is power. Expect the unexpected. Well here, let me make you a list.

THE TOP 10 THINGS TO EXPECT WHEN YOU'RE DATING AND IT'S "THE HOLIDAYS"

10. A totally inappropriate and disappointing Christmas gift -- and that includes no gift at all, and, worse than that - a ring, but not a diamond!!! (Come on guys - get a clue.)

9. Your SO will have trouble with the ex and/or the kids which will "ruin" the whole thing.

8. One or the other of you will get sick, I mean physically, and decide it's the fault of the relationship, and split.

7. You will each over-react to something you will later realize is inconsequential (or you'll realize it now, if you get Dating Coaching from me).

6. He or she won't invite you to a family gathering, which will hurt you deeply.

5. She will cry a lot.

4. He or she won't invite you to their Office Party and you will feel they are (1) ashamed to be seen with you at work, (2) not reall in to you; (4) secretly relieved but still a little worried.

3. She'll over-read every little thing you do and drive you nuts with, "Is something wrong?", "Are you mad at me?", "Are you going to break up with me?"

2. You will feel like leaving the planet, not just the relationship over things like what to invite him/her to (or not), what gift to buy (or not).

And the #1 thing to expect -- HE WILL TELL YOU HE NEEDS SPACE. (Did I need to tell you that?)

Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc for Dating Coaching, or call 817-734-1471.
I'm here to help.

When he says he wants to flatten the relationship

2009-12-01T21:38:00.000-08:00

From today's emailbag:

My BF just emailed me (yeah, I know, wuss) that he wanted to "flatten" our relationship. I know wishful thinking can make a girl dense, but WTF? Does that mean FLATLINE it? Or what? Signed: A Blog Fan

Dear Blog Fan:

Uh oh. Well, I don't really know what it means either. Never heard it. Sounds like a modern-day version of "let's just be friends"??

Anyone out there know of this term? If so, let us know.

For Dating Coaching, call me at 817-734-1471, or email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc . It's a great investment in your Love Life. Sessions available in my D. C. office conveniently located on Pennsylvania Avenue.

Dating and He Gets Weird ... how to interpret

2009-11-27T15:43:00.000-08:00

Toxic Man/Woman v. Toxic Behaviors

It comes up a lot in dating. Someone gets squirrely right at first and says "stupid" things. Someone clams up and disappears for a while. You take him to a party and he can't seem to socialize. She loses her temper over something you consider inconsequential.

Let's face it dating someone new is nerve-wracking, and the more you like them, the worse it's likely to be. I know you know what I'm talking about.

The thing to figure out is if this is a recurring pattern for this person, or a temporary behavior because of the stress of dating (or a new job, or something else putting pressure on them).

In other words, does he get nervous and take a break from dating for a week or two because of the intensity of the dating situation ... or is he the kind who will disappear any and every time the going gets rough should you become a couple one day?

Let me help you figure this out. That's what Susan Dunn the Dating Coach is here for. It isn't easy dating in today's world. I've coached hundreds of people, and men and women of all ages are confused about what's going on and don't know what to do.

Email me and lets get started - sdunn@susandunn.cc .

How to Know if He's Really Interested in You

2009-11-25T17:58:00.000-08:00

Ladies (and gentlemen), here's the bottom line, and I don't need to tell you this, I just am REMINDING you of this:

If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it. Period.

Let me show you how to make this happen. I've helped many men and women get it together in today's crazy dating world.

For dating coaching, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc . My clients include men and women of all ages, so let me tell you, I know the scoop.

If you want a serious relationship that becomes marriage, let me coach you.

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Oprah quits. This is typical of the Saturn-Pluto transit going on right now. What's going on in your life, or ... what MIGHT be going to happen. Email Semiramis for a reading - semiramis.appiamo@hotmail.com .

Dating for the Holidays

2009-11-21T23:13:00.001-08:00

Have you noticed the dating activity kicking up? You can feel it in the nightclubs, dance halls and on the Internet. Men do not like to be alone during the holidays, and so they more actively seek companionship.

Ladies, take advantage of this energy to meet someone, but remember the rules! Very important to remember the rules at this time -- it's what he DOES, not what he SAYS, that counts.

From today's emailbag:

We had dated for a couple of weeks. He was everything I looked for in a man. He talked about buying a house, all the same old stuff. But as soon as I went to bed with him, it blew up in my face. WTF??
Signed: 50 and Ought to Have Known Better

Be especially aware of early bundling-up if you are seriously interested in the man for a life partner. Remember that it is up to the woman to set the pace. If he gets ahead of himself, he might get scared and run.

If you're seriously looking for a serious relationship, call me for dating coaching. Coaching by phone, email, and in person in the D. C. area. And ladies, check out my Midlife Dating Manual - www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html.

What Yanks Him Back from the Brink

2009-11-12T18:35:00.000-08:00

From today's emailbag ... (don't know the source)

WHAT YANKS HIM BACK FROM THE BRINK
Some factors can derail a guy who’s about to fall.

1) They Get a New Opportunity
A promotion often means spending more hours at work or taking a schedule-chewing class. Instead of balancing that with their love lives, guys tend to prioritize their careers and believe that a solid relationship will endure the delay. So if something big is brewing, he may hold himself back.

1a) Overwhelm
Same deal, throw in something big/emotional like trouble with his kid

2) You Never Fight
Sure, guys hate arguing, but it’s worse if you don’t react negatively at all when he’s screwed up. A guy will worry that (a) you’re going to lash out later, (b) you’re a doormat, or (c) you’re not into him enough to care. Any of these will make him rethink your budding relationship.

3) Pure Panic
Many men worry that if they commit, they’ll have to give something up — friends, dart night, something. So when a guy realizes he’s fallen for you, he may freak out and pull away for a while. If you can weather his big-baby behavior without reacting in a way that confirms those fears, he should snap out of it.

3a) Post-Bad-Marriage Stress Syndrom
Same as #3 only bad memories about marriages past intensive it. (Try finger healing?)

THAT PESKY LITTLE EX
Honestly, I work with at-risk teens (volunteer), and I let them play their own radio station. There's a cute rap-ish song out now where the guy's singing that he'll get her over her ex. Guys - you start dating again too soon. (When a guy feels sad/bad he takes action to make the feeling go away, i.e., another chick - any old one will do.) Call me for dating coaching. Gals - you wait too long. Ditto. (Many women follow the unwritten rule that you stay in love with the last one until you fall in love with the next one.

ETC.

Guys, sometimes she doesn't want to "fight" with you because it's pretty much bliss. Yeah, it's possible.

Gals, let that career thing trump. It will work for you in the end.

For Dating Coaching, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .

Try www.zodiac-traits.com for the latest on astrological compatibility.

She just wanted a guy to pal around with

2009-10-24T22:46:00.000-07:00

Overheard at the D.C. Dating Seminar I gave recently for singles 40 and over. (email me for the dates of the next ones - you don't want to miss out if you live in the D. C. area. Coaching also available by phone, email, and in my office)

Ladies, you need to get with me and learn THE RULES.
Here's what the guys said:

She's been married and has kids, but I felt like she just wanted a guy to pal around with.

She took me to a grand opening of her art work. We walked in and she ran over to meet all her friends. Just left me standing there. What am I, chopped liver?

Everyone keeps saying they met their partner on match.com. I guess online dating is the way to go. (I can tell you about the sites, what one's good for you, and help you write that important winning profile!)

She ran in the room, closed the door, and pinned me against the wall. (gasp!)

I came in the room and she was going through my desk drawers. Why do women do that?

She asked me to fix the antenna on her car. I fell in love immediately.

She always said to come and get her, she wasn't meeting me anywhere. I liked that a lot. It showed she respected herself.

She was beautiful. But more than that, she knew how to have a good conversation.

She just sat there for me to open the car door. Refreshing.

She demanded my best behavior.

Guys on a First Date

2009-10-24T22:39:00.000-07:00

What to guys say they "always do" on a first date?

From "Best Bachelors", they asked the guys

ON A FIRST DATE I ALWAYS ...

Now I gotta say, if you asked a woman that, she'd probably reply "I always get nervous." But here's what these guys said. Note the action words, the "I" words:

Mario: "...give honest compliments."
Justin Bartha: "...pay. And on the second date and the third."
Chris Messina: "...try to kiss the girl. I like to close that on the first date."
David Cook: "...act like I know what I'm doing, even when I don't."
Gerard Butler: "Shave."

For Dating Coaching, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc.

Check out the great new zodiac trait site that talks about zodiac compatibility, the compatibility of different signs. www.zodiac-traits.com . Nancy Fenn is an international expert astrologer and this site is getting raves.

In Dating there is Nothing Like an Obstacle

2009-10-13T09:27:00.000-07:00

In dating, there is nothing like an obstacle. All great romance writers know this and use the same plot. Couple meets. There is an obstacle. There you have your story, and the ending is predictable and thrilling.

LADIES, IF YOU'RE DATING, FLOAT LIKE A BUTTERFLY, AND NEVER STING LIKE A BEE.

Obstacles when you were a teen:

Father
Curfew
No car
School
Homework

Obstacles you can present as an independent adult

Say your house is being renovated so he can't come inside (for a long, long time)
Say you can't do it - can't cook, clean, drive, txt
Say you don't know how (to ask a guy out)
Don't be accessible - don't sit by the phone/email, even if you are. ESPECIALLY if you are
Overtime
Italian lessons 3 nights a week
Sister visiting from out-of-town for a week
Family reunion scheduled a year ago
Bad boss
Cramps, headache, N1H1

Why? Don't deprive him of the thrill of the hunt. I have been a dating coach for years. There is no man, no matter how busy/shy/far away/encumbered/hurt/damaged by ex-wife - you fill in the blank - who won't move heaven and earth to have the woman he wants. And here is nothing like an "obstacle" to sweeten the pot.

Please note: This is NOT game-playing. COURTSHIP is the game, and, like it or not, you will play it. If you play by its instinctual, hard-wired rules, the results will be amazing!

How so? I have a client, I'll call her Paula, who just got her man. She tells me he mentions all the time that when he reminisces about their early dating days, how hard it was to drive all the way out to her house ... which he did, over and over again. Paula told him she couldn't put the miles on her car because it was old. Whatever it takes.

Dating coach in office (centrally located in DC, Chevy Chase), by phone or email. Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc to get started today.

Soul Mates

2009-08-24T06:15:00.000-07:00

I am often asked about soulmates.

This is a question that is often asked psychics and astrologers too, as we all quest for love. To a dating coach, a person might ask for a "soul mate" or "someone who is perfect for me."

I think Skye's discussion about soul-mates is good. She recommends this instead of Looking for a Soulmate:

Change your definition of soulmate. Call to yourself someone who is open and real. Call to yourself someone who is genuine and capable of love on a real everyday level in a real everyday world where people get up and go to work and pay bills. Call to yourself someone who knows how to show and express their love without manipulation and head games. Call forth a forever kind of love. Call forth a best friend that you can sit with in your rocking chair on the front porch when you are too old to make love anymore. Call someone who loves you enough to kick you in the butt when you are screwing up. Call forth someone who will shout from the rooftop when you are deserving of praise too. Call forth someone who is a loyal and faithful lover willing to learn and grow with you behind closed doors. Leave the rest to fate. Don’t define them.

"Call to yourself," is a good. It's about the Law of Attraction.

But let's talk for a minute about making lists when you are dating or looking for "the right woman/man.")

Many coaches want their clients to make a list of what they want in a mate, who they're looking for. I recommend it too, but probably not in the way you might think.

I think having a list works well for values, intelligence and some basics (like good grooming, which I think we all would want, wouldn't we?) but the trouble comes when you get too specific, especially about PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS.

For instance here's a list I got from Amy:

I want a man who's:
Medium height
30 years old
Brown hair
Brown eyes
Curly hair
Muscular build, like a weight lifter or professional athlete
Medium complexion

Well, I think this leaves a lot to be desired. What if "Amy" met a man who was blond that had all the important things that Skye talks about above? What if she met a man who was 31 or 32?

Physical characteristics may cause initial attraction, but, as we coaches say, "That's not love, that's something else."

And as far as physical characteristics go, here's an interesting point. According to studies, the one that applies the most -- get ready for this -- is the person's third finger.

Go figure.

From the Dating Coach

2009-08-20T17:25:00.000-07:00

From the Dating Coach

For Dating Coaching, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .

To learn more about EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE, visit the ImproveYourEQ Blog.

Dating Angel

2009-08-16T12:53:00.000-07:00

Everyone needs a coach.
No, everyone needs an ANGEL.

I've met a woman on the Internet. She writes poetry.

Courtship Dance

2009-08-16T12:32:00.000-07:00

Give each other the courtship dance neither of you will ever forget:

Exactly Where to Touch a Naked Man Sex, Love & Life: glamour.com

2009-08-14T21:30:00.001-07:00

Okay, now that I have your attention!

Exactly Where to Touch a Naked Man Sex, Love & Life: glamour.com

For dating coaching, contact me at sdunn@susandunn.cc . Reasonable rates, unreasonable results.

Want to become A Dating Coach? Join my training and certification program.

Shared via AddThis

Dating: Looking for the Right Man

2009-06-15T08:14:00.000-07:00

From the Dating Coach Mailbag:

Dear Dating Coach:

We were having a great time, and then I remember he reached over for the dessert we were sharing, and there was something about his hands. Not dirty, and no bitten nails, etc., I just knew I 'registered' something. I thought they were pretty and delicate, but at the same time, I don't like "pretty" or "delicate" hands on a man. What am I to make of this?

++++++++
This is interesting because I am reading Diamond's THE THIRD CHIMPANZEE where he spends a good bit of time talking about how we choose our mates.

Note that choosing a marital partner is much more of a choice than choosing a one--night-stand. In fact the chapter this is in is called How We Pick our Mates and Sex Partners. It is very important to know what you are doing -- Are you choosing a mate, or a sex partner is the first thing I ask clients>

First let me say that you, personally, in your choice of partner, are allowed to prefer what you prefer. In other words, there's a woman out there that would fallk instantly in love with this man BECAUSE OF those same hands that turn you off.

That's the wonder of love!

That having been said, in his book, Diamond cites scientific research where he uses words such as coefficients and significant. To unpack these terms, coefficients means the different things that influence something, and "significant" is a scientific terms meaning that the numbers show a difference. Yes, it arbitrary, but not as arbitrary as saying, "I (your personal opinion) think people choose mates according to the color of their eyes." "Correlation" means they relate, but be cautious about cause and effect. i.e., People eat more ice cream on hot days. The heat is more likely to cause the eating of ice cream than the ice cream to cause the day to be hot ... but with more complicated issue, people don't always see the line of causation properly! (I know you've experienced this misconception.)

FROM THE BOOK:

Coefficients for physical traits are on the average ... not so high as for personality traits ... or religion ... but still significantly higher than zero. For a few physical traits the correlation is even higher than 0.2 [which is the average overall for physical traits] -- e.g., an astonishing 0.61 for length of middle finger. At least unconsciously, people care more about their spouse's middle-finger length than about his or her hair color and intelligence!

I can't say I was conscious about this, but I sure am now. (Which is what Emotional Intelligence is about -- self-awareness.)

Something DEFINITELY REGISTERED when she stopped and took a look at his hands. And it was something negative.

Knowledge is power. Information is useful. Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc for dating coaching, and get ahead of the curve.

Search terms: dance, yoga, world traveler, Italian, sense of humor

2009-06-14T06:26:00.000-07:00

Like you, I date. I date to meet someone, but when I do, I also am thinking about dating coaching.

I had a date with a gentleman the other day who had many fine things to offer. He was relaxed and a good conversationalist, except he kept returning to the topic dancing. Yes, I like to dance. Why did he keep bringing it up? It continued. I like to dance like I like music. Part of my life, so I rarely mention it. It seems a slapped-on appendage to this guy, and I also suspected he was a poor dancer, learning or ...

Then I looked on match.com today and here are the "popular searches" they list for this week:

dance
yoga
world traveler
Italian
sense of humor
romantic
vegetarian

I got the IDEA that this guy "had read somewhere that women like..."

The Dating Coach says: Be yourself. If you've read something men (or women) like, and then try and work it into the conversation at regular intervals, it will seem that:

You read it somewhere and have a list, and are performing
That it's your obsession, the only hobby (interest) you have
Fakey
Stilted

Need I say more?

As to the "Italian" on there, my field is multicultural. Italian men are very attractive to US women. Not just for the most obvious reason.

Want to learn more? Dating Coaching available. Long-distance, on-site in the D. C. area. Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc . I have several incentive programs. One of them will fit your needs.

How to Read People When You're Dating

2009-05-28T12:00:00.001-07:00

We all want to know when we're dating or reviewing profiles on the Internet, or reading emails from potentials -- are they telling the truth.

Well this video will give you some good tips on reading other people, and also for better communication on your own part.

Notice it begins with "we all do this" but he's going to show you "how to observe yourself doing it." In other words -- self-awareness. To increase your emotional intelligence and self-awareness, get some coaching with me and take the EQ COURSE. EMail me at sdunn@susandunn.cc . Dating coaching can really help.

This also has good tips for hiring, interviewing, and your personal power presentation.

It's Time to Move in Together

2009-05-27T11:59:00.000-07:00

A LITTLE HUMOR TODAY.
Enjoy!

Nation's Girlfriends Unveil New Economic Plan: 'Let's Move In Together'

He won't commit? She won't quit nagging? Call me for dating coaching - 817-741-7223.

Dating Coach Blog

2009-05-27T08:37:00.000-07:00

I'm a dating coach, so get the chance to listen to a lot of people talk about dating these days. One thing's for sure: it isn't easy!

The thing I hear most often is people saying it's too hard and they want to give up. But they also want to meet someone. So, don't give up! Everyone's looking, everyone thinks it's hard -- we go forward.

If you'd like some tips, call me for dating coaching!

According to a recent article these are the Top 10 Favorite Ways Men Like to Have Someone Flirt with Them. What do you think of this. Guys, do you agree? Gals, has this worked for you?

1. Display concern for him, his feelings and well being
2. Talk about things he likes or dislikes, making comments and showing interest
3. Show him your daring or mischievous side
4. Sends him special/cute email messages
5. Shares jokes or amusing anecdotes with him
6. Compliments him on his screen name, attitude, personality and appearance
7. Make an effort to contact him in some form most every day
8. Send instant messages when he and you are online at the same time
9. Discuss seriously the traits he desires in a partner
10. Use suggestive language in online conversations with him

For Dating Coaching call Susan at 817-734-1471, or email sdunn@susandunn.cc . I am in the D. C. area and also coach by phone and email. Workshops available. Call me if your group wants a speaker.

What's Darwinius Masellae got to do with it?

2009-05-22T13:55:00.000-07:00

Found on a dating profile

I like: teal blue, freckles on little girls, well-modulated voices, Carrara marble, Paris street cafes, tenors, playing Chopin, listening to Verdi, Tuscany, limoncello, Amalfi (if you drive), a good kisser, South Padre Island upon occasion, Darwinius Masellae, variety, sunsets, broccoli, lamb, the long twilights in the north, fin de siecle, tour guides like Andrew, burnt sienna, sometimes pina coladas in a hot tub, and that Deruta Uva Fresca Salad Bowl.

I don't like: sunrises, Gaudi, carrots, alarm clocks, 7-hour layovers in Frankfurt, that grease they fry foods in these days in the US, machines that don't work, agendas, SUVs and the women who drive them, mean people, getting pick-pocketed in Barcelona, people who are lactose-intolerant, defective motorcycles, the color lavendar, men who think Colbert's being serious, hearing about movies on historical tours, denouement in relationships, loud noises, nasty surprises and certified mail.

Now that really tells you a lot about the woman, doesn't it. Without going into the I like men with lots of money or I can't stand men who drink and beat me sort of stuff.

Try something like that. It works well!

One of the most important parts of COMPATIBILITY is laughing at the same things, and writing in that way tests a person's sense of humor.

For dating coaching, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc or call me at 817-734-1471.

Want to Have More Orgasms? Increase your Emotional Intelligence

2009-05-13T17:59:00.001-07:00

I've been saying this all along. That's why I offer THE EQ COURSE - online, email support, it increases your emotional intelligence, and therefore ...from the Journal of Secual Medicine, a "new" study. But we didn't need science to confirm this, did we?

READ ARTICLE HERE

Excerpts:

Women in touch with emotions have more orgasms - study. Published: Wednesday | May 13, 2009

Want to have more orgasms? Get to know yourself, ladies.

Emotional intelligence, the ability to monitor one's own and others' feelings and emotions, appears to increase the number of orgasms women have, a study by the King's College London's Department of Twin Research and published in the British Journal of Sexual Medicine has concluded.

The study suggests that low emotional intelligence is a potential risk factor for female orgasmic dysfunction, which is the second most frequently reported female sexual problem with two in five women stating to never, or finding it difficult to achieve an orgasm.

A high emotional intelligence level contributes to the ability to achieve orgasm more frequently.

Andrea Burri, psychologist at King's College London and lead author of the study, said, "Emotional intelligence seems to have a direct impact on women's sexual functioning by influencing her ability to communicate her sexual expectations and desires to her partner.

"Our finding that women with high emotional intelligence have significantly more frequent orgasm during masturbation than women with lower emotional intelligence suggests that a woman's feeling of control, or the capacity to integrate physical stimulation with fantasy, may be contributors to orgasm as well as the better knowledge of women's own body," Burri added.

Tim Spector, director of the Twin Research Department and co-author of the study, said, "These findings show that emotional intelligence is an advantage in many aspects of your life, including the bedroom. This study will help enormously in the development of behavioural and cognitive therapies to improve women's sexual lives."

Want to take THE EQ COURSE? Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .

Steve Harvey on How to Get the Man to Marry You

2009-03-02T00:16:00.000-08:00

ACT LIKE A LADY, THINK LIKE MAN
My favorite - ladies you'll 'get' this one -

At your job, didn't you have the 90-day rule before benefits??

Notes from the interview with Steve Harvey, author of "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man"

Do you have standards for your man?
I can do with you what I
want because you have no standards.
When you saw her you had a plan, you
just haven't informed her what it is.
Right now we're just kickin' it.
There's a cute way to give an ultimatum.
Exact your standards and get
them out early.

A man who loves you will do the 3 Ps:
Profess -
within 6 months you'll have a title from a man (my girlfriend, love, my
fiancee)
Provide - Give you and the kids the money
Protect - No bill
collecter can call and harass you
One of the 3 isn't enough

Will you
be thrown back or are you a keeper??

And, ladies ...

It took him 6 months to think about "the ultimatum".
and she had to walk out first

(PSST!! WHAT HAVE I BEEN TELLING YOU ALL ALONG?)

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

What Online Dating Sites Spend the Most on Advertising?

2009-03-01T22:19:00.000-08:00

Just got a visit from Kerryon, Suddenly Single Minded. Returning the favor, I visited her blod and found the following:

Great places to meet women in San Francisco - invaluable

And these tips about online dating:

#3. Sign up for on Line Dating - the Top 3 are Match, Yahoo Personals and EHarmony. They spend more money on advertising than the next 10 sites combined. Match is Huge, Eharmonys is as slow as a glacier in December, Yahoo Personals (this is beginning to sound like Goldilocks) is just right…as is Jdate…Catholic Date is too Opus dei…and ohmygod, Atheistdate.com is too trippy…

#4.Once you are On - Up and Running on a Dating Site - For the best results you must:

Flirt 5 times every day.

Send a short - one line- note to - 5 different men - every day. What to say?

Easy~ “Loved reading your profile - we have somethings [sic] in common. Take a look. Hope to hear from you.”

Simple, succinct, polite and inviting. Go ahead - give it a whirl…

If you're dating online, your profile and photo are also uber important. Spend some time on it. It will pay off! Contact me at sdunn@susandunn.cc and let me help you put your best, um, foot forward.

Is there love for you?

2009-03-01T12:57:00.000-08:00

I am working with a man now who found the love of his life over a year ago. The trouble is that after he met her and they went together for a while and he was sure of his feelings, he did what guys do. He went into the cave. From her point of view - he just disappared.

What happened is, he had the plan in his mind. An action plan. In order to make his new love happen, he had to go back and finalize his divorce, which he hadn't taken care of several years ago.

So, to his new love's way of thinking - he disappeared.

He asks me, "But doesn't she know I had to finish the business of the divorce?"

No! She didn't. Why? Because he didn't say it. He just went off to do it.

Guys - remember to put words around your actions. And to do what you say you will do. That's one way a woman knows what's going on, and how she checks things out. She wants to make sure what you say (when you say it) isn't just "empty words."

The great thing about this romance is that she has agreed to take him back -- with reservations. She doesn't trust the relationship with him now, so he is working to win her trust back. But the important this is that she is willing to give him a second chance. They have started at the beginning again and are going slower this time.

What is love? Love, ultimately, is trust.

I WANT TO KNOW WHAT LOVE IS ... FOREIGNER

He Wants to See Your Face; She Wants to See Your Bank Statement

2009-02-19T16:39:00.000-08:00

Want a Rich Man? Time's running out. Get dating coaching. Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .

Q: This guy on millionairematch.com called, and we got along great. Then he emailed me and said he wanted to see photos of my face - and current. I was really insulted. I sent him a recent headshot, and then asked him to send me a photo of his second house in Malibu. I haven't heard back from him. I've really work to be in great shape. People tell me I'm beautiful, I'm slender, and I look decades younger than my real age. I intend to marry a wealthy man. Not for the dumb reason that I watched The Hills and Gossip Girl, but because it's part of who I am. I've never dated a guy making less than 6 figures. Because I'm used to wealth and because rich guys are smart, educated, sophisticated, and have good self-esteem. It's part of my history and my lifestyle. What can I do without being rude?

A: Let's define 'wealthy guy', where to find them, how to get one, ETC.

"Ten Things You Need to Know if You Want to Marry a Rich Guy"
by Susan Dunn, Dating Coach

Let's begin with a dose of emotional intelligence (EQ). Why? Wealthy men have it all together, and they're looking for the same in a woman - someone with social graces and inner beauty as well as the outer panache. They also can ferret out a gold-digger like any prey knows its predator. If you're JUST after a guy for his money, it won't happen. If you see it as part of the package that you are looking for, and love the man as well as his deeds (for the two cannot be separated), it will work.

From Fascinating Facts about Rich Guys

1. The Tax Foundation Group in Washington DC defines "rich man" as someone earning $104,000 or more. (Reference, Fascinating Facts about Rich Guys) I'd up that quite a bit, wouldn't you?

2. How about making more than $1 million annually. Well the good news is ther are 9.5 million people earning at least that, and 94,970 are pulling in at least $30 million each year. (from Fascinating Facts)

3. It isn't just doctors and lawyers any more, though you need to look at type preference. A doctor or lawyer is likely to be more 'professional' in the old sense, more conservative, well-educated in the liberal arts sense, their career trajectory is fairly predictable and proscribed, and perhaps they're second-generation wealthy. On the other hand, these days a lot of men have made their wealth on the Internet, or managing hedge funds, or other more creative enterpreneur-type work. One man we know had made a million before he was 30, with his own software company, was bought out in a hostile takeover, and then decided to get his formal education and went to Oxford. Now he's an entrepreneur again. Can you follow that? Get ready for the ride.

Here are some of the "new rich," from the article:

Mark Zuckerberg, 23, founder of Facebook...$1.5 billion
Andrew Gower, 29, founder of Runescape...$216 million
Chad Hurley, 30, cofounder of You Tube...$300 million
Andrew Michael, 29, founder of FastHosts...$87 million

But this is chicken feed compared to the more mature rich men, who made their money the old-fashioned way. From Forbes:

Warren Buffet, investor - $62 billion
Helú Slim, wireless telephone - $60 billion - and girls, he's widower
Lakshmi Mittal, in steel - $45 billion
Mukesh Ambani, petrochemicals - $43 billion
Anil Ambani, industrialist, brother of the above - $40 billion
Ingvar Kamprad , Ikea - $31 billion
KP Singh, real estate - $30 billion
Oleg Deripaska, metals - $28 billion
Karl Albrecht, grocery stores - $20 billion

4. Rich guys travel. On business and for pleasure. And they out. Beef. They expect the best of everything ... what else is money for? So put yourself in hotel bars and upscale steak houses where they serve prime Angus. Visit the bar first, because they will.

5. Go where they live. And where do they live?

The research firm Teasley ranked the following United States cities as having the best ratio of rich, single men to women.

1. San Francisco Bay area
2. Anchorage, Alaska
3. Washington, D.C./Baltimore
4. Sheboygan, Wisconsin
5. Naples, Florida
6. Minneapolis/Saint Paul
7. Rochester, Minnesota
8. Boston
9. Fort Walton Beach, Florida
10. Dallas

6. Forget it if you're really a gold-digger. How does a gold-digger act? Come on, we all know. Rich men are pursued by "gold-diggers," and they know the signs, like any prey knows its predator. You can't fake it, so get real about what you want and WHY. If you're a gold-digger, you won't get a rich man. That's just the way it is. Karma, doncha know.

7. Know what goes with what. According to studies, rich men do more porn on the Internet, have more sex and more partners, and about 1/3rd of them are members of the mile-high club. Also, rich men give women more orgasms.

8. What they expect? That you're beautiful (to them) is a given. You are also EXPECTED to be sophisticated, gracious, well-bred and educated, and to be able to plan social schedules.

9. Be smart. In the emotional intelligence (EQ) way, and also in the IQ/educated way. 89% of rich men want to marry a woman who is their intellectual equal, or smart than them. They don't have a self-esteem problem. Many want their woman to have a high-profile career of her own.

10. Be brunette. Huh? According to the article:

Blond is reputed to be the sexiest hair color, but according to a survey by Lycos, 62 percent of the world’s top 100 billionaires’ wives and girlfriends are brunettes. What’s still unclear: whether these rich men seek out darker-haired women or if there are just more of them out there (fair hair is rarer).

11. Be looking for Polo Ralph Lauren, Calvin Klein, Armani, Coach or Burberry. Most popular threads with rich men? Polo Ralph Lauren.

A Gift for You for Valentine's Day/Friday the 13th

2009-02-13T10:28:00.000-08:00

Download FREE Marvin Gaye's "Lets Get it On" now through February 14th.
To get your free download, go HERE. Click here for the 100 Most Romantic Albums of all Time.

A Valentine's/Alone for Valentine's Day/Fight with your Lover/Can't Get a Date/Friday the 13th/Economic Crisis/Job searching/Moving Gift for You - FREE Mini-Course on Finger Healing

<----This is the Vitarka Mudra. You probably know of the benefits of finger tapping, and the healing properties of mudras. The Vitarka Mudra (mudra of discussion) is made by joining the tips of the thumb and the index together, keeping the other fingers straight, and turning the palm outward. (as pictured).

The Jnana Mudra ("mudra of knowledge), which you'll see and learn about in the OBAMA VIDEO, also known as "pure awareness free of conceptual emcumbrances", is done by touching the tips of the thumb and index finger together, forming a circle. The hand is held with the palm inward, toward the heart.

Click HERE for FREE Mini-course on Finger Healing.

Whatever the stress - Valentine's Day, Friday the 13th, loss of job, fear about economy, that lover who won't make a committment, public speaking, or a root canal ... finger tapping and finger healing can help.

CLICK HERE TO ORDER YOUR OWN FREE FINGER HEALING MINI-COURSE .

Watch this video on how Obama uses some of these gestures while speaking. It looks like he is doing the Vitarka Mudra in this opening shot. What do you think? (also described as combining spirituality and physicality, asking for aid from above)

Don't miss my article in TIME MAGAZINE. Susan Dunn, Executive Coach in Dallas ... "Are Hugs the New Handshakes".

As stated in the article, "...last month ...[Obama] bestowed no fewer than nine hugs on senior male staffers at a single meeting."

Would he be looking at other women if he loved you?

2009-02-11T15:08:00.001-08:00

clipped from www.sciam.com

People in Love Are Blind to Pretty Faces

If your loved one claims to “only have eyes for you”

it might be truer than you think

Research shows that people in a committed relationship who have been thinking about their partner actually avert their eyes from attractive members of the opposite sex without even being aware they are doing it

it takes longer for viewers to shift their attention away from attractive faces of the opposite sex.

subjects who were married

Those who wrote about love actually turned their attention away from attractive members of the opposite sex even more quickly

than they looked away from average-looking people

This unconscious attentional bias probably evolved to help men and women stay in monogamous relationships

in humans tend to have a reproductive advantage

These biases have been built into our psychology to enhance people’s reproductive success.”

Is She Affectionate?

2009-02-09T18:46:00.000-08:00

HOW CAN YOU TELL WHAT IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU'RE STANDING OUTSIDE? That's what it's like when you read a woman's profile on an Internet dating site.

Here's a tip for the guys.

I know the way guys are ... I coach a lot of guys about dating, so I hear the stories. From a recent conversation:

She said she was cuddly and affectionate in her profile. That she liked to touch and all that. But she wasn't that way in person. Now I don't believe it when I read that on a profile. How are you supposed to know and what should you believe? It's a riddle to me.

THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE: Gentleman, ladies are not affectionate non-specifically and in general, with every man. Their response is to a particular man and how they feel about him. When a woman writes on her profile that she's warm and affectionate, or likes physical attention, or enjoys romance and love-making, she doesn't mean this will happen with every man she dates, just because it's a man and she's on a date. It means she will be that way if she happens to like you. If she doesn't, she isn't going to be physically affectionate toward you. Emotions and physical intimacy go together for a woman.

So there's no riddle to it. If she says she's that way, she means she's that way when she loves the man. If she isn't that way with you, it's because you aren't the man for her. And so it's best for you to look elsewhere, but also to believe what you read in their profiles. If she says she's affectionate, and you're the lucky man she falls in love with, you'll be smothered in kisses!

Do You Want to Date an Extrovert?

2009-02-02T21:14:00.001-08:00

HOW TO FIND SOMEONE YOU CAN GET ALONG WITH

There are a lot more extroverts in the US than introverts, according to the Myers-Briggs people. So, in a world run by extroverts, introverts are often misunderstood. And vice versa!

Should and extrovert and an introvert date?

That's up to you, but it's good to know which you are, and which you prefer. A lot of times opposites DO attract. Although not everyone is this blunt, you will find hints on a person's profile. Here is one from one of the major online dating sites:

I am a personality whore. Alittle harsh? Definetly. I crave conversation and fun. If you think pouting and standing in the corner thinking you are too good for everyone is attractive we do not have anything in common.

Pardon his English. Extroverts get energy from being with other people (personalities). Generally they can't stand to be alone. Therefore they "crave" being with other people. Since introverts need time alone, they wouldn't understand this and might call it "pouting" or "thinking you're too good for everyone." They often look at introverts as "shy."

Every activity this person listed was people-oriented. No leisure-time pursuits like computer, learning, philosophy or reading. He prefers IM to email and likes phone or in-person even more.

Lots of signs he's an extrovert. It's good to know how to look for these things when you are dating online. Also good to let others know these things about you. Ask the Dating Coach - sdunn@susandunn.cc .

The Top 10 Internet Dating Tips and Important No. 11

2009-01-26T17:18:00.000-08:00

When you're establishing a relationship, you want to build trust. Whatever you SAY, back it up. No one is MAKING you say "I will call you tomorrow," so if you say it, mean it and do it.

Top 10 Internet Dating Tips

1. People are dating on the Internet because we all have serious limitations - geographical and timewise.

Example: Martin in looking online. Martin is 85 and lives in Lantana, Texas. Where the heck is Lantana Texas (and I live in Texas)??

2. Watch the spelling! It matters. It stops the flow, and makes a poor impression.

Someone sent me an email they got today with the subject line "Hi Cuttie Pie!"

By the time she got around that one, her initial enthusiasm had died.

3. Men, pursue, gently. Don't give ultimatums or orders. This is courtship, not business.

Let's say you haven't heard from her in a week.

Examples
Yes: I'm still hoping to hear from you. I think we have a lot in common.
No: Okay, this is it. I hotlisted you and I emailed you twice. Either write me back or just tell me no.

NO ONE responds well to an ultimatum.

4. Men, keep a lid on your "visual" and your innuendos.

Examples
No: I've seen you peeking. Come on and email me.
No: While on the phone, looking at her profile photo, "What is it you have on? What's that a top or a sweater or what?

These things are creepy for women.

5. Keep at it. This is not a quick-fix thing.

Example
Marty has been busy with work. She finally got to her emails and there were 2 that interested her, from about a month ago. When she went to look, it said their profiles had been removed. We know this means either (1) the profile has been removed; or (2) it is no longer accessible to YOU, you've been blocked.

Either way - not good. It usually takes months of being on the site. I've had male clients who said "this doesn't work" after just one month. Don't be so fast on the trigger.

6. It's a War of Nerves for men and women both. People need to take breaks, especially when it's someone they're really interested in. This applies more to women. If she doesn't reply right away, or breaks the momentum, wait. Don't badger. The proceed again.

Example
Nancy had a really promising phone conversation with a man, after emailing. He ended the call saying he wanted to see her. She writes me that it's been two days and he hasn't called her. My advice: Don't worry. That's usually the way it goes. If he 's going to see you, this is how men work -- they WORK. Remember, I coach lots of male clients. They disappear to go do the work. From what I hear, he is making lists, i.e., to have a relationship with this woman I have to get the bathroom retiled, rearrange my investment portfolio and check airfares for the best price.

Yes, it's true! That's what they do.

Gentlmen, now that I've told you this is hard on the woman, consider checking-in phone calls or emails. Just to let her know you're still there and still interested.

7. Gentle pressure.

Be a breeze going through the forest, not a hurricane destroying everything in its path. This may seem like the person who could be the Love of Your Life, but

8. Remember you always can control the pace.

Anna just put a new photo on her profile. She was deluged with emails and said "This is too much. I just don't like it."

Two points here:
(1) The photo really matters. To both sexes.
(2) Don't try and eat the elephant in one bite. Responses tend to come in batches. There WILL be a change in the pace, so while it's good, just enjoy. Answer them one-by-one.

9. A gentle beginning usually brings on a long-lasting relationship.

IM is especially bad for this. You meet someone and then IM constantly, and for days. This doesn't work. You get TMI too fast. And ladies, it's generally up to YOU to control the pace.

10. Men, ask the woman about herself, but not like it's a deposition. Ask open-ended questions.

Yes: So how do you like living in San Diego? I've never been there. What's it like?
No: How long have you lived in San Diego? (next) How long have you been single? (next) Usually people who do this then ask the impossible question, like "How come you never remarried.

If you need coaching on how to have these intial conversations, call me. Set up a time by emailing sdunn@susandunn.cc .

And here's the important

No. 11 It really does work. I talk to people all the time who have met people on the Internet that they established long-term relationships or marriage with. YES IT WORKS, if you work it.

#1 complaint about men dating online

2009-01-24T05:09:00.000-08:00

Are you a man looking for a date on the Internet? Gentlemen, the #1 complaint of women dating on the Internet is the misspellings and grammar in the men's emails.

Here are some at random from match.com:

I believe that I am a great friend to my friends. I enjoy sports and love to travel and meet people. I never opposed to trying new things. I work hard and enjoy life

That's ME---'Old Fasshioned" manners. I am VERY traditional. I, promise, I will TOTALLY spoil you. Can you endure that?

Subject line: Lot's in common

I AM LOOKING FOR A TENDER CARING WOMAN TO SHOW A GOOD TIME AS A COMPANION AND DEVELOPE A RELATIONSHIP WITH

I am a true story teller, I am a very sensative fellow. If you look close you will see tears in my eyes sometimes. I am a very srtong guy, very healthy, very physically fit, and very active. I excersice my physical body everyday.

The sad thing is that the sentiments expressed are lovely and would appeal to a woman, but it is even hard to concentrate and keep reading with such mayhem.

Let me coach you about dating online and help you compose those emails. You write it and I'll edit it. I also can help you find the right Internet dating sites for what you're looking for.

Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc to find out more about Dating Coaching.

And yes, you're right, not everyone cares about spelling and grammar, and maybe they shouldn't, they should be able to see "the real you," but ... The Right Woman for you might be one of those who likes a well-written email. You don't want to eliminate yourself right out the starting gate.

Online Dating one of top ten search terms today on yahoo

2009-01-23T12:56:00.000-08:00

Top 10 searches on yahoo today, #6 is online dating.

Emilie de Ravin
Taraji P. Henson
Caroline Kennedy
Roadable Aircraft
Inkheart

Online Dating
Short Cruise Deals
Mark McGwire
HDTVs
Stock Markets

So how is your dating going? As a Dating Coach I hear over and over - there's nobody out there, I never find anyone, the really neat guys don't get online, and a million other excuses.

In today's busy world online dating is a viable option, one you should not overlook.

SUCCESS STORY

And it works. One of my clients met the love of his life online, and is getting ready to move from Dallas to Austin next month so they can live together. I coached him for nearly a year on this - and look at the great results! In fact he came to me just at the point where he was about to give up because he was having problems with the budding relationship.

Another client - after a year, he finally popped the question. We worked hard together to make it happen.

Let me be your Dating Coach. email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc for more information.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

2009-01-03T22:51:00.001-08:00

The Acid Test of a Good Man to Marry

2008-12-29T17:02:00.001-08:00

The acid test of a good man to marry?

Well, watch this video by Daniel Goleman, who wrote "Emotional Intelligence," on Why Aren't We All Good Samaritans? (when we are wired to be) ... in it he talks about a woman who had a simple Dating Test: From the moment they were together, how long did it take the guy to ask her a question using the word "you."

The man she married did is almost immediately.

See video here:

What She Means When She Says ...

2008-12-28T02:00:00.000-08:00

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when you are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F--- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

For dating coaching, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .

When He's Too Immature to Be Dating

2008-12-27T00:43:00.000-08:00

YOU MUST BE AT LEAST 6 YEARS OLD AND 48 INCHES TO SIT HERE. OTHER SAFETY RESTRICTIONS MAY APPLY.

From today's mailbag:

Q: I met this guy about a year ago and really fell for him. We had a date. He told me how much he liked me. Then I went over to this guy's house, but nothing happened. Maybe he thought it did and got jealous. Now this guy got mean. He ignores me if I try and talk to him. He says nasty things about me to my friends. Why would he behave this way? What did I do wrong? I really liked this guy.

A: The bottom line here is that this guy is not ready for a relationship. He is too immature.

Our Cruise to Progreso, The Yucatan

2008-12-26T00:49:00.001-08:00

Get Ready to Date!!

2008-12-08T00:18:00.001-08:00

Here it is folks. You heard it here first.

Today's top 10 searches on yahoo:

Scarlett Johansson
Shania Twain
Jennifer Aniston
Leryn Franco
Tina Turner
Online Dating
Slumdog Millionaire
Prepaid Cell Phones
Grocery Coupones
CCTV Systems

So get online and get busy. Everyone else is!

For Dating Coaching: sdunn@susandunn.cc, 817-741-7223.

Dating Coaching

2008-12-05T03:16:00.000-08:00

How do you find the right man or woman for you?

My dating coaching is intensely PRACTICAL. There are things that work and things that don't.

Here are just a few that apply to anyone who truly wants to find their partner:

You have to have a strategy, a plan. I work with you individually on this. You may live on a farm in Idaho, or you may live in a penthouse in New York, or on Perdido Bay in Alabama. But wherever you live there are places to meet members of the opposite sex, and there is also the Internet.

You must get active.

You must put consistent effort into it. No matter where you live, no one is going to come and knock on your door and say, “Here I am.”

You must persevere. Know that word? It means you don’t give up. It’s already taken too long, but once you find that person, you will forget all about how long it took; except that you’ll value them even more. Don’t go out once or twice, or join one Internet site for 6 months and then give up. I won’t let you!

Get yourself in shape! (Let me work with you on this.) If you need a new haircut, a new wardrobe, to lose a few pounds, to clean out your car, or spruce up your house/apartment, do it!

Same with attitude. Ask yourself, “Would you date you if you were someone else??”

Cut people some slack. In most cases an email or two or a date or two is not enough to really get to know someone. The whole thing is to get to know the other person - over time and in different circumstances. Anyone who tells you they don’t get nervous is lying. Remember - I’ve coached and listened to hundreds of people.

AND learn who to eliminate quickly. Time is of the essence! Also your safety and your heart. I will teach you how to recognize these. When it happens, move on. And don’t dwell if someone you liked doesn’t return the favor. Move on!!

Remember your manners. If you need to brush up on your social graces and etiquette, we will. They work. Call to confirm dates. Show up on time. Apologize if you must cancel. Be polite. Use nice language. You only get one chance to make a first impression.

Be fun, but watch the humor. Humor is very tricky. Get to know the person a little bit first or sure enough you’ll tell a joke about a dumb Black Lab, and they’ll own and love one (for instance).

Keep the conversation give-and-take. Learn how to "make" good conversation If you're a woman, re-read my list of things men don't like to talk about. If you're a guy, remember women like to talk! Don't talk about yourself the whole time. (Some people tend to do this when they get nervous.) Ask the other person questions. Avoid past relationships, war stories, etc. Listen actively. Show an interest in their lives and what they’re talking about.

Exes are “ex” or you’re not ready to be dating.

Most of all, please don’t make that first date like a job interview or a deposition!!

Let me brief you before that important first date -- and the next one, which you'll be sure to have with the right guy and the right dating coach.

That important dating conversation

2008-12-05T01:10:00.000-08:00

Plentyoffish posted a list of what men don't like to talk about on a date.

Here it is:

Past relationships
Other dates
Celebrities
Religion
Politics
Antiques
Money
Fashion
Gardening
Marriage

So what DO they like to talk about? With appropriate humor, here's a list:

Themselves
Practical matters (new computer, how to fix a car)
Their achievements
Their problems
Business
Sex
Sports
Jokes, playing one-up and boasting
Television and movies
What's right in front of you - the crowd, the bad waiter, the great parking
The weather

Let's face it - we know men don't like to talk about feelings, don't talk half as much as women, and love to talk about themselves.

For tips on conversation topics, email me. Set up a coaching session before that important first date and things will go well!

Safety in Dating

2008-11-25T18:18:00.000-08:00

You never know ... so here are some sites that can help you find out more about the many or woman you're considering meeting or dating.

SEARCH PUBLIC RECORDS BY NAME

REVERSE PHONE SEARCH

REVERSE ADDRESS DIRECTORY LOOKUP

BACKGROUND CHECK, CRIMINAL RECORDS

And one of my favorites - THE VALUE OF THEIR HOUSE

Seeking Arrangement? Now There's a Website ,,,

2008-11-25T17:37:00.000-08:00

SeekingArrangement ... have you seen the new kid in town. It's a site set up by a former MSFT employee, for Sugar Mommys and Sugar Daddys ... and those who, well want an arrangement.

From the site:

WHAT IS AN ARRANGEMENT

An Arrangement is short for "Mutually Beneficial Relationship" between two people. Such a relationship is usually between an older and wealthy individual who gives a young person expensive gifts or financial assistance in return for friendship, or intimacy.

A COMMON TERM DEFINED

Sugar Daddy: n. Slang. A wealthy, usually older man who gives expensive gifts to a young person in return for intimacy or companionship.

According to a video about it, you list what price per month is involved in "the arrangement."

Well, it's pretty explicit what's going on here. Let me know what you think about this approach.

Dating During "Hard Times"

2008-11-23T18:41:00.000-08:00

If you're dating, well, it means you don't have a partner, and of course one of the things that helps us stay stabilized is having a partner.

Everyone is worried about the economy and jobs now, the stock market and how President-elect Barack Obama will do.

And now come the holidays.

I have two things for you today:

1. Watch this beautiful and inspirational movie (or cut and paste: http://www.findingjoymovie.com ) and remember that "In the winds of change we sometimes find our direction."

2. Call me for a coaching session. Reduced rates during the holidays, and I keep appointment times available during all holidays. Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc to schedule yours.

The Top 10 Questions to Ask When You're Dating at Midlife

2008-11-23T16:20:00.001-08:00

The Top 10 Questions to Ask When You're Dating at Midlife
by Susan Dunn, The Dating Coach

1. How much baggage is he carrying?

"Baggage" is different from life history. Baggage refers to serious unresolved problems -- an ex-wife he can't get over, betrayal by a business partner that has destroyed his trust, or an untreated depression. Nothing's carved in stone. It matters only if the man is stuck, or willing to move on. (Try referring them to coaching if stuck. Attitude can be changed, if circumstances cannot, as you know!)

2. His emotional intelligence.

My client Melinda was having trouble figuring out what was going on with the guy she was dating who was 10 years older than she was. She assumed someone older was also wiser, which is not the case. A person's emotional age can be much younger than their chronological age. If your intuition is telling you he's immature, he is, regardless of his chronological age. If you're in doubt, one session with an EQ coach can give you valuable information. EQ can always be advanced, BTW.

3. What does your intuition tell you?

Are you getting messages from your intuition? You should be. It's your most valuable guide. Intuition is an emotional intelligence competency. Everyone has it, and it can also be developed. An assessment like The EQ Map will tell you how good yours is, and EQ coaching can help you improve it. Intuition takes up where the data runs out, and we need it for the most important life decisions of the heart. (He may call it "gut feeling.") How will know he's the right one for you? Your intuition. Analyzing the data will notget you there.

4. How are his relationships with the rest of his family?

There are patterns in our lives that keep repeating themselves (unless there is intervention). If his children aren't speaking to him, or if they are calling him constantly and overly dependent on him, there's something wrong. The same things will likely occur in your relationship with him. For instance, if he tells you his daughter "defied" him and he kicked her out, what do you think lies ahead for you when you first "defy" him, I mean have a disagreement?

5. What is his relationship with his mother?

We all know to check this one, but don't overlook it.

6. What do you know about his former wife or wives?

Men are far less likely to change of broaden their tastes than women; in fact they are known to marry the same woman over and over again. You can find out what his "type" is and then anticipate the chances he'll marry you. You can also anticipate where the sore points may lie. Let's say you're dating a physician who has married two social workers, and you're a therapist. For some reason he's attracted to psychological-types, and for some reason it hasn't worked out. That reason why it hasn't worked out needs to be given a long, cold look. (Call a coach!) Unless he is willing to change his way of doing things, you and he will have the same outcome.

7. Where is he in his career?

A man who is ready to retire is often desperate for companionship. If his work has been his "life," it's a time of confusion and fear, and his need will border on desperation for something to cling to. It's not that you'd mind being a "lifesaver" temporarily, it's that he won't know his own mind, and yet will be very convincing. If you're getting a barrage of flowers and cards and he's talking about Fear of Retirement, give it time and look it over carefully.

8. How long has he been single?

My long experience in dating coaching confirms that a man in transition is not a good bet. Occasionally it works out, but not often. If he is "legally separated" or newly divorced, keep your thinking cap on. Men are likely to grab the first woman who comes along (who's willing). Their vulnerability and touching earnestness can make them deceptively attractive. You won't know you were being used until later on. Good coaches recommend their male clients in such a state date several women so as not to "lead them on." Lead them on to what? A man newly divorced is not ready for a new commitment. If you're just looking for a good time, he's your man (thought the ending will still be rough). If you want serious, and you get involved, you're likely to get your heart broken. Check it out with your coach if you're not sure what you're looking at. Men are not as creative in their response to life as women, and the patterns are quite recognizable to someone with experience.

9. What are his finances?

The state of a man's finances at mid-life can indicate patterns. For instance, if he's not been able to commit to a career or to a marriage, divorce takes its toll, and he's likely to be in dire straits financially. There are other reasons too, of course, such as bad luck, or being in field with natural ups and downs, like the stock market, so check it out. The money itself isn't the issue, it's how and why it happened. (The value of money to you is a personal decision). Decide what you want and need in this area, check out his situation, and then find out why he is where he is.

If he's well-heeled and ready for retirement, you will have a high-level problem. Likely he is about to grab a gal and cut loose. Is this you? In other words, what you see is not what you're going to get. If you have ties to kids in the States and he wants to go live in the mountains of Spain or spend a year at-sea on his yacht (as happened to one of my clients - the guy was ready to set sail for 12 months!), you'd best know this as soon as possible so you can make a decision.

10. Why are YOU dating?

In listening to people, and reading the online profiles, we see different points of view. While we assume in our 20s that men and women want the same thing in marriage, interests vary widely at midlife. A man may be impotent, for instance, and just want companionship, or twice-burned and determined never to marry again which might be fine with you, except what it really means is he will never love again. (I wish these men would come for coaching!) He may have his family all gathered around him and be planning to spend his later years playing with the grandkids, or want to live in the Bahamas and travel 6 months of the year. And what do you want? The main thing to figure out is his flexiblity (an emotional intelligence competency). Some people are quite willing to change plans with time, or for a loved one. Others are not. You need to know what you're looking at. If he's the kind who has been in the same profession for 40 years and lived in the same house for 30, and says he will work till he dies and never move, you'd best believe it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
By Susan Dunn, MA, Clinical Psychology, Founding Member of Coachville, Life & EQ Coach, who can be reached at sdunn@susandunn.cc, or visited on the web. Susan Dunn wants you to know: Offering individual coaching, DATING COACHING, business programs, seminars, Internet courses and ebooks around emotional intelligence for your personal and professional enhancement. Top-rated coach certification program - fast, affordable, effective, no-residency. Email for information and for free ezine.

Dating Etiquette and the Holidays

2008-11-20T20:53:00.000-08:00

Dating takes on a special flavor during the holidays. It's not the easiest time to be alone. Men seem more interested in dating. Everyone is more stressed, and everyone gets more emotional.

Good time to practice your emotional intelligence skills and your dating manners. Here are some tips:

1. Stick to regular dating rules. Keep the first dates short and sweet - an hour or so for lunch; 2 hours for dinner.
2. Resist those extra urges at this time of year to "spill." Yeah you've got memories ... so does he. Stay in the present
3. Speaking of presents, if you're early-on in dating, choose a small gift that isn't too dramatic or suggestion - for him, a pair of gloves, for her a bottle or perfume. For several months, ladies. let him do the giving and the doing.
4. DO NOT GIVE GIFT CARDS. They are worse than no gift at all in a dating situation.
5. Ladies - if your family is giving a big 'do' and you're tempted to ask him to it, remember - he asks YOU to meet HIS family first. No exceptions.
5. Take it easy on the office party. Even people who've been dating a while dread going to their SO's office party. They're work, not fun.
6. If you're just getting to know each other, don't set yourself up by going something too sentimental - like somewher you used to go to with So-and-So, or a movie that's a tear jerker. Keep it light.
7. If early dating, no inviting him over for a cozy meal in front of the Christmas treet. Enticing yes ... but it's too soon!

REMEMBER YOUR MANNERS. It's confusing today and nobody knows what to do? Well, that's why there's etiquette. And Dating Etiquette.

Marilyn was dating. She had 3 teens and 2 fosters kids, law school debts, a new job and was pretty much in over her head. Christopher arrived at her house to pick her up for a date. He said, "I hope you won't mind if you say this. I've been yelled at about this before by other women. I'm just trying to help. It's just that I noticed your tires are low. Would you get mad if I asked if I could fix that for you?"

Marilyn burst into tearsm she was so grateful. Since when it is "rude" to offer to help someone?

Use the real dating etiquette. If the other party doesn't like it, then you
have information."

This means:

1. Mute the cell phone or leave it home.
2. Gentlemen -- Open doors. Hold the chair out at the restaurant table.
3. The man makes the reservations and deals with the maitre d' and orders for the woman after finding out what she wants.
4. The man pays for the first dates.
5. The woman expresses gratitude for each action of etiquette. It is not to be taken for granted. Especially these days. If he goes around to open the car door for you, say "thank you."
6. Thank the man for the date and the lovely evening.
7. Use the old rule - reward what you want more of; ignore what you want to go away. If he does something right, let him know. If he does something wrong, make it subtly clear, hope it goes away, and see.
8. Except for gross improprieties, give each other a second chance.

Let me guide you in your quest for the Love of Your Life. For Dating Coaching, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc . I'm attract your dream partner expert for a leading internet site and consistently receive ratings of 10 on knowledge, politeness, timeliness, and expertise.

Where Men Like to Take a Date

2008-11-19T17:38:00.000-08:00

Men’s Top Ten Date Picks
Some of these may be a surprise to you!

1. Taking a romantic walk
2. Restaurant
3. Park
4. Cook dinner at home
5. Coffee shop
6. Scenic car ride
7. Stay in and rent a movie
8. Bowling or Playing Pool
9. Live music
10. Comedy Club

source unknown

First Date Stress

2008-11-12T19:35:00.000-08:00

Dating and Emotional Intelligence.

I came across an article on arxlove.com called Emotional Intelligence and Dating and it has some good advice.

The writer talks about the first date. Lets say you met online, then did the email, then moved to telephone, and now it's time to meet him or her in person, for the very first date.

Of course it's an easy time for a flareup of nerves. In fact many of my clients call me just before they leave for a last-minute pump up and it's for sure I'd include the point they make in this article:

"...having higher levels of self awareness and the assurance to take charge of things and correcting yourself before the situation attacks you. THIS is what is called being emotionally intelligent."

You can work yourself up into a case of nerves, or something can happen that makes you upset, or both! I can think of any number of things, I'm sure you can too! A run in the pantyhose, knocking your drink over, spilling salad oil on your sill blouse, forgetting your cell phone and that's how you were to locate each other on the Riverwalk, getting caught in traffic and being late. One of my clients broke the heel of her shoe as she entered the restaurant. Another client's boss kept him late in a meeting and he was a sweaty mess by the time he got to the rendezvou.

So you must know how to recover from these things so that you can make the best self-presentation and give this very important First Date a real chance. In the article the scenario is that she was held up in traffic and late. This was the recommendation:

"In such situations, if you are disturbed by something mentally before meeting your date, it is important to gather yourself and collect your thoughts before facing him. Talk to yourself or take a few deep breaths so that you calm down. Even if he seems a bit annoyed when you meet him, your personality should be such that your assurance and warmth as a person just leaves him awe of you. Giving a genuine smile and a warm hug would have completely distracted him and within no time, your conversation would have hit the pleasant grounds!"

Yes, it's about handling your emotions under stress. And what's more stressful than a first date??!!?? Let me help you with coaching. It's no joke that you make a great showing because The First Date is crucial.

It's also important how you handle your emotions AFTER the first date. Yes, it's sad when there isn't any chemistry there, but it's almost worse when you hit it off! You're head is spimning and you do something like leave your purse on the table, try and exit through the wrong door, babble incoherently, reach to give her a kiss and miss your mark, or, like one client told me happened when the guy she met really fell for her -- he drove off the wrong way down the street and she drove past as a cop was giving him a ticket! Talk about embarassing.

For dating coaching, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc or call me at 817-741-7223. Coaching by phone, email, IM or in person (in the Dallas area).

P.S. If you're the kind who starts to babble and say things you wish you weren't let me coach you on some opening lines, conversation starters and other ways to get a leash on it and make a great impression!

Have you Ever Terminated an online Relationship because of one of their photos?

2008-10-22T18:17:00.000-07:00

BOO!

Q: The question on the Advice Board was "Has anyone ever dismissed a man because of a photo in their profile, I mean besides one with another woman."

A: Since I'm a Dating Coach I can answer that from a broad perspective. Women have described to me terminating contact with men (or not even starting it) because of photos, with words like. But let me begin by saying that men, especially older men, may only have one dressed-up photo of themselves, which is at a wedding, often the wedding of one of their kids, so you see them with a cute young thing. Check it out, don't assume.

That having been said ... I've heard many different reasons, among them:

Anything obscene or in poor taste. Occasionally one of these will slip by the censors

He looks like a derelict

Why would he think I would want to see him chest-bare in the bathroom mirror photographing himself with his own cell phone?

5 photos of him on his Harley???

He's dirty, unshaven, nasty clothes

Am I supposed to fall in love with his car?

Too fat

The stuff on his back porch was disgusting

All those ______ things on his walls and mantel - I'm not into that stuff (various different memorabilia - we all have our own tastes)

I won't date a man with a beard/long hair/GQ look/earring/tatoo/Brooks Brother look (etc.)

I don't like blonds/bald men/brunettes ... blue-eyed/brown-eyed men

Photo of him in bar with woman draped all over him

Too tiny for me

A photo of him surrounded by teddy-bears? You gotta be kidding.

It's nice he's a doctor, but that shot with white coat and stethoscope smells of ego to me

Looks like an addict

Looks like he's had 5 bypasses

Showed him in his Halloween costume. Gross.

Photo of him from his high school yearbook 40 years ago. Who cares what he looked like then?

Looked depressed

Bad teeth

My personal favorite is the one some man put on his profile of himself with a bow and arrow and that thing with the arrows on his back, out in some woods. And he was dressed not unlike Robin Hood. Wish I could print the photo here.

Folks, the photos you choose to display on your profile make all the difference in the world. Men are primarily visible. Women might give it a chance beyond a photo, but the photos still matter.

P.S. Check out the backgrounds of your photos. Make sure they are things you want to be there. If in doubt, let me help you out. I can help you build a profile and photo portfolio that shows you at your best.

Emotionally Intelligent Questions to Ask When You're Dating

2008-10-22T05:09:00.000-07:00

Here are Some Emotionally Intelligent Questions to Ask When You’re Dating or Preparing to Date. (BTW, this is my most requested article on the Internet.)

1. Is it just sexual attraction? Sexual attraction comes from the reptilian brain and is automatic and powerful because it relates to our survival. It’s not a basis for living with someone happily. Don’t let it “hijack” you. Find out what else it there.

2. Does he like to touch and be touched? This is important to your mental and physical health.

3. Does he look at you with affection and kindness? Most communication is nonverbal.

4. Have you used your thinking brain? EQ means using all 3 brains. Are you compatible in your daily habits? You’ll be keeping house together. Do you have the same values and priorities?

5. Does he have emotional self-awareness? How is he at empathy? One of the most predictive traits for compatibility is if you can sense the other’s sadness.

6. How optimistic is he? Optimism is the facilitator of all the EQ competencies. In addition, optimists live longer, enjoy better health, and accomplish more. Can you laugh and have fun together?

7. How resilient is he? How does he manage adverse events and setbacks? Has he been able to GROW through adversity, not just GO through it?

8. How do you and he manage anger? Successful couples soothe one another instead of agitating and escalating.

9. How balanced is his life? Resilient people combine learning, work and leisure throughout their lifetime.

10.Will you be his top priority?

11.Do you feel at ease with this person? If you’re walking on eggshells, or working too hard, it won’t work in the long run.

12.How much does his baggage weigh? (See Chapter 3 of my ebook, Midlife Dating Survival Manual for Women)

13.How is his self-esteem? Does he trust you or is he jealous and insecure?

14.Are you treated with respect? Does he treat other people w/ respect? This may be more of an indication for ‘after the honeymoon.’ Pay particular attention to how he treats his mother and his children. That’s how he’ll treat you. Also, does he ogle other women in your presence? This is a bad sign.

15.Is there chemistry?

16.Is he financially stable?

17.Is he mature and emotionally intelligent, interested in making a commitment, and capable of doing so?

18.HOW DOES HE MAKE YOU FEEL?

Where Do the Singles Live?

2008-10-04T20:13:00.000-07:00

Yahoo has a great article called Going Solo in the US. Read the whole article HERE.

Some excerpts about information on where singles live:

The most are in San Francisco with 44.7% single.
Next is Detroit.
New York with 39.8 %.
Boston, 39.2% which they also say has colleges, night life, culture, and good jobs.
New Orleans
Los Angeles
Fort Lauderdale, FL
Las Vegas
Miami
Then Albuquerque, at 36.8%

Other interesting points:

Top city with the least singles is McAllen, Texas
Others include Allentown, Pa and El Paso, Tx

Gender Gap

The US has about 6% more single women than single men.

Of interest --
There are more men in San Jose, Ca.
In McAllen, Tx there are 28% more women (the highest).

Cities nearly equal as to gender include Minneapolis, Tacoma, Orlando and Fort Worth.

Dating Success = Marraige

2008-09-26T03:01:00.001-07:00

Where do you meet the right person?

I attended a family wedding last weekend. Is there anything more sentimental than the first dance as bride and groom?

The groom, the usual 30 year old, has been dating and looking. His work takes him all over the world. We wondered if he would ever find someone.

He did.

Guess where?

At a bakery in his own small home town. He went in for bread. She was selling bagels. He thought bagels a better idea ... and brought home bagels as well as a date.

Keep looking, and let me help you with Dating Coaching, because action and intent matter, as well as getting out. But there really is no telling when you will meet the partner of your dreams.

Another client of mine just met a great guy at the neighborhood convenience store. "I couldn't believe my eyes," she told me. What if her eyes had not been OPEN. What if she thought - you could never meet anyone at a convenience store.

Keep your eyes and heart open.

Let me guide you. email sdunn@susandunn.cc for Dating Coaching. If you've run out of ideas, let me share some with you!

The Dating Coach Gets Rave Reviews

2008-09-24T19:13:00.000-07:00

Susan Dunn, the Dating Coach ... I love my work so much, I volunteer as expert on a major website.

Recently Erin asked me why she couldn't "keep" a man. She didn't have trouble attracting them, but they always left. She asked me what she was doing wrong, and what she should do differently.

Here's how she rated my answer, which the website requests they do:

knowledgeability - 10
helpfulness - 10
timeliness - 10
politeness - 10

Comment - Those 10's are not accidents. I see the boxes and I'm giving her 10's for all of it. Not only did she answer me fast and accurate but she gave me ideas I never even thought of or forgot to write about. She doesn't sugar coat. That puts a film on things that makes it impossible to learn. Excellent expert you have here.

I was also nominated again as volunteer of the month.

No, I don't sugar coat. I figure if you're stuck, my sympathy doesn't help. What you need is straight talk and an action plan. You're paying me for advice that works, and that's what I give. I don't want to "put a film" on things so you can't learn. I don't know anyone who would keep doing something unsuccessful if they were shown a better way to do it! I've had years of experience at this, plus an M.A. in Clinical Psychology, and I work hard to help you maneuver today's impossible dating scene, and find the partner you are looking for.

For coaching, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc or call me at 817-734-1471.

You can check out your latest ratings at http://www.allexperts.com/expert.cgi?m=1&catID=844&expID=75760.
Following is the question information:

Is Sarah Palin the woman for you?

2008-09-24T14:50:00.000-07:00

Is Sarah Palin the woman for you?

Why am I asking this on a dating site.

Probably like you, I'm on a lot of social email lists - you know where the funnies, videos, and political stuff gets passed around.

And there's a certain group list that just can't get off Sarah Palin - sending photos of her holding fish, dressing moose, etc. with comments like "the ideal woman."

Lets generalize and say there are "types" of women, okay? There's the tomboy, the lady, the intellectual, the arm candy, the mom, and so forth.

When you're perusing the dating sites, or talking to men you meet when you are out and about you need to figure out just what the man is looking for in a woman. I CAN HELP YOU.

Obviously these men sending the emails about Sarah Palin are not imagining going to the opera with her, raising a family with her, helping her weed her rose garden, or snuggling in front of the fireplace with her. They're picturing an activity partner - a woman who will go fishing and hunting with them, camp out, not complain about dirty restrooms, dig the Harley convention and so forth.

Now what are you after? Here are some questions to answer (and to discover about the man you're dating).

Read this list. Ponder. Then let me help you find the right partner for this.

Activity partner - boating and fishing and skiing with him, no makeup, must be doing ACTIVE things which generally do not involve emotional interchange or conversation. Except for how best to dress that moose, or where the best quail will be.

Travel partner - not the same thing. You want to take trips a couple of times a year. Could be transatlantic on the Queen Mary, or backpacking in Paris hostel. Your focus, what you live for is to take those trips! You want to see the world!

Intellectual companionship - you read and learn and discuss, and so does he. Life is about learning and interesting conversation is the best activity there is and the most important thing in a partner.

Parenting - you want more kids and to raise a family

Marriage. You want someone to join with you in all ways and build a new life together. For better or for worse.

Romance! Not at all the same thing. You want the "highs" - the infatuation, the sweet words and constant affirmations, when it's fun and easy and sexually exciting. The intoxication of the "up" side of "falling in love."

Soul-mate. You tell me what this means! Like Tristan and Isolde, like the people in Verdi's opera, and Robert Browning's poetry. Or like Sarkovsky said (though it wasn't true, and often the things said aren't) - "We will not, indeed we do not know how to part."

Friends. Lower tone. Pals, buddies. Emotions and sex not that intense and not the most important thing. You know...FRIENDS. Hanging out. Doesn't have the physical-activity thing of "activity partner."

Affair. You do not intend to get emotionally involved. You do not intend for it to last. You meet infrequently. It's in the moment. No plans need be made and no strings attached.
Sugar Daddy/Arm Candy. It's all about who'se got the toys. You want a rich man who will support you and give you things. He wants arm candy.

How Do You Get Him to Marry You

2008-09-23T20:56:00.000-07:00

How do you get him to marry you?

As a Dating Coach, I've worked with a lot of women who were looking for a husband. They may be in different stages of a relationship, but the big question is, "How do I get him to MARRY me?"

A client writes: He moved in about 6 months ago. I don't understand why he won't marry me. I cook all his meals, do his clothes, take care of his kids when he has to work on the weekend and it's his weekend to have them. I've even entertained his mother when she was in town. The sex is great. I just don't get it. He won't even pay half the utility bill or pay for part of the groceries. Why won't he marry me?

The Dating Coach answers: Why would he?

It used to be called "don't give the cow away with the milk." In the situation this woman writes about, she is behaving like a wife in all aspects, so what is the incentive for this man to marry her.

Men who are looking for marriage will usually NOT move in with the woman. They behave differently.

How do you tell what man is "the marrying kind" and what man isn't?
How do you know when to cut your losses and move on?
How can you set it up from the beginning so that if he loves you, marriage will be on his mind?
How can you attract the kind of man who marries?
What's the difference between romance, an affair, and dating for marriage?

Let me guide you and be your Dating Coach.

eMail me at sdunn@susandunn.cc and let's talk. Dating is more complicated than it ever has been. I'm here to help.

How Tidy or Messy is Your Date?

2008-09-12T11:08:00.000-07:00

The Dating Coach wants to talk about compatibility today.

Compatibility is what it's all about in looking for a partner you are going to live with, and make a life with. Physical attraction doesn't always go along with this, so be sure and take your time and put on your "thinking cap."

One of the key relationship issues that develops after the 'rush of love' subsides is how you live. We see this in offices as well, between bosses and secretaries, for instance.

When you meet someone, and first go their home and see their car, take a good long look.

From the mailbag:

Dear Dating Coach,

I met this really neat guy. Liked him a whole lot. Went over to his house to watch one of his opera tapes and oh my! His house is immaculate, like nothing on counters, pictures arranged sparsely on bookcase, desk with nothing on it. He doesn't really do anything now he's retired except take walks and trips.

I think if he saw my house he would croak. I work full time, run a home business, have a million interests, chair a board, am always studying something and there are books and files all over. My desk is full. That's because I'm a "visual" filer. I can't put things away and then find them. I've had bosses who could care less, and one who fired me because my desk was messy.

Also I 'live' in my car and it's messy. There's nothing in his.

What do you think the chances are of the two of us together?

Thanks, Sibyll

________________

Well, just reading this, what would YOU say? Could these two find a way to compromise? It's not likely. Could one learn to live with the way the other one does? Does love conquer all?

The Dating Coach - about your profile name

2008-09-07T21:25:00.000-07:00

Bozo. How's that for an online name?

Guys, let's talk a minute about what name you choose for your profile on an Internet dating site.

I'm not saying don't be "you," but according to my focus group, here are some names found recently on sites that were very unappealing to women.

oldyarddog
barfly
exboozer
smartoldguy
dixie00dude
charlie54flame
hope_find
buzz25wow
bluewaterdog
hairball
tomcat
wildman
jydgeek
shadow
shifty56
jarhead

Ones they found appealing or neutral:

fortune500smile
happyguy
One4U?
charlie450
bestfriends
198841
141Male
pendletx50
CX8tampa
searching12
maybeso
readyforlove
soul_mate

Let me help you choose a name the will work for you on your profile. Remember, men fall in love with their eyes. Women fall in love with their ears (words, sounds).

Susan Dunn, M.A., Dating Coach
sdunn@susandunn.cc

Dating Coach - Focus Group Results

2008-09-05T09:34:00.001-07:00

Are you looking for a partner online?

As a Dating Coach, I'm always gathering new information. I had a Focus Group the other day to find out more. We talked, got online, and I took notes! From actual men and women who are currently on numerous dating sites, I found out the following:

MEN

Men go to the photo, and back to the photo, and back to the photo.

They say they read the profile, but they skim itr.

If it's more than a paragraph, they get irritated.

Research says the ideal length is about 100 words

If men "run to type," it is something more than hair color. Men's lists of favorites contained blonds, brunettes and red heads. I could 'glom on' to a "type" but it was subtle. Things more like serious, or fun, or warm, or friendly, or romboy, or classy

They are truly puzzled by most of the emails they receive. They say they don't know what to do.

Many, especially men of action, like to write -- Here's my phone number. Call me.

They don't like to read anything about exes, former bad treatment, or anything negative

If the woman has no full length photo, they say "something's wrong" and move on.

From their emails I read, women don't send a lot of 'canned' emails.

Men refuse to get on a site and look at other guy's profiles, so they miss some information about the competition.
They do the research - they check to see if the woman has looked at their profile or read their email.

WOMEN

Women read the profile carefully. They don't mind a couple of paragraphs, but a full page is a turnoff.

They're turned off by men who write emails only telling about themselves and what they like to do. They like a few questions to answer - like it were a give-and-take conversation.

They are turned off when there are only interests such as hunting, go-karting, car auctions, target shooting, fishing. Especially if there is only one interest listed like (true example) - driving my new car.

Women carefully look over the entire photograph. They are turned off by junk in the background, bare chests, photos of the man in a bar with a woman draped over his shoulder, unshaven or sloppy clothes, shots they take of themselves with their cell phone aimed at the bathroom mirror.

They like to see a photo of the guy's house - but it better have a well-manicured yard and no junk or car parts on the patio.

They are puzzled by the emails they receive.

They prefer the guy ask them for their phone number.

Manners matter a lot.

Women can tell when they've gotten a 'canned' email - same one sent to 100 women.

Women often peruse the profiles of other women to get information about the competition, and better ideas for writing!
Yes women are really turned off by bad spelling and grammar.

Timing is a problem for both genders. Why hasn't he written me back? Remember that some people are at a computer all day long, while others might only check once a week.

Your profile matters. Let me help you shape up your profile. There is someone for you out there, lets make your profile more appealing. I also help interpret email responses and help you write better ones, ones that work.

The Dating Coach, Susan Dunn. That's what I do. I work with clients all over the U. S.

The Worst Thing a Man Can Write on His Dating Profile

2008-09-03T23:06:00.000-07:00

The Worst Thing a Man Can Write on his Internet Dating Profile

I love statistics. They guide us through the maze. They allow us to put probability on our side. My Dating Coaching is full of them, and they incorporate into RULES.

Here's one for the guys:

According to eharmony.com research, 'THE SINGLE MOST COMMON COMPLAINT FROM WOMEN ABOUT MEN'S PROFILES IS THAT THEY ARE MISSPELLED AND/OR ILLITERATE.'

I have seen this on the profiles of men who are CEOs, hairdressers, construction workers, lawyers and physicians.

LET ME HELP YOU WRITE YOUR PROFILE. When a woman looks at a profile like this (this is a real one, details omitted to protect the guilty) - excerpts:

I AM [name),I AM INTO [occupation],DIVORCED,NOW LOOKING FOR A WOMAN TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH.I HAVE ONLY ONE DAUGHTER ... There is not ideal person, and sometimes I can be a little stubborn and forgetful. ... I like to go out to/and: I can drink a good bottle of wine ... and then i decided i send u a message

What are you to make of this? Most women delete it and move on, according to research.

Don't let that be you! Call me about Dating Coaching - 817-734-1471. I'll help you write a profile that represents you and works ... work with you on photos ... opening lines ... etiquette ... review emails with you. I work hard for you to get you the partner you need.

Susan Dunn, M.A.

The Dating Coach