The High EQ Way to Choose the Right Man for You

The HIGH EQ Way to Choose the Right Man for You
Take a look inside him. Ask yourself these questions.

1. What's his EQ? Did you know you can measure it? Since your relationship depends upon your interpersonal skills, it would be smart if you both took the EQ-Map© and then worked with an EQ coach on areas needed. EQ can be learned. Go here - http://tinyurl.com/z94t .

2.Does he have deficits in the limbic brain? This is about eye contact, oxytocin, bonding, parenting, affection, using the word 'we'. If all you're getting is reptilian (sex ) and neocortex (intellectual), why give up good closet space when a Rampant Rabbit and Wikipedia would do?

3.How's the left- right brain balance? Talking to someone who's all left-brain is like getting facts from a machine. Talking to someone who's all right-brain ' they may not be organized enough to show up for the talk!

4.How 'male' brained is he? According to Simon Baron-Cohen ( http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0738208442/susandunnmome-2 0 ), the extreme male brain is good at systematizing, and low on empathy. It takes the average male 7 times longer to process emotional information than for a woman to. What if it takes him 70 times longer? What if he can't get there at all?

5. How does he manage his anger? You need to experience this. Don't make a decision until you've had your first big fight. Make sure you both trust yourselves and the relationship enough to be able to disagree openly and come to a resolution.

6.Will he be there for you? As Oriah Mountain Dream says, will he 'stand in the middle of the fire with [you] and not shrink back?' It's a sign of maturity and character to be able to stand and deliver when you feel like running.

7.Can he be faithful? This isn't a philosophical issue. If it happens to you, it can hit you in the gut.

Male infidelity may be intellectually defensible, but emotionally it destroys the covenant of the relationship the way the radioactive contamination from a nuclear bomb destroys vegetation. It won't be coming back in your lifetime, and without it, there is no relationship.

8.Does he know enough is enough? One should never use more force than is necessary. Can he think before he speaks and then deliver just the right amount. And no more. It shows empathy, self-confidence, and self-control. This means resisting all urges to deliver the big one-two he knows would really really hurt you in a verbal argument.

9.Do you laugh together? If there's anything you can count on to get you through the long haul, it's a sense of humor. Wit gets bonus points with me. It can be used in public, and can save your marriage on a 6-hour car trip with a carsick kid and a broken air-conditioner. Silliness -- now that's the sign of true lovers.

10.Does he say nice things to you about you and the relationship? The formula is 3 positive things for each negative thing. Does he do this? Is he willing to learn?

About the author: ©Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Coaching, Internet courses and ebooks on relationships, emotional intelligence, career, transitions, retirement.

Susan is the author of 'Midlife Dating Survival Manual for Women," available here: http://www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html , the best ebook library on the Internet.

For FREE EQ ezine, mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc and put 'ezine' for subject line.

Dating, Hugs and Oxytocin

There's nothing like moving somehwere to get a new perspective on things. It's like vacations. My grandmother used to tell me, "Every now and then you need to get away. When you're 'away' you will look at all your problems like you were way up on the moon, and they were far, far away."

Well, not surprisingly, here in the D. C. area, things are "cooler" than they were in hot, hot San Antonio, and I'm not just talking about the weather here. As I wrote earlier, a man who has lived here quite a while, but also a transplant, told me 'The women here don't look you in the eye. They look everywhere else.' You also don't see a lot of physical contact, and, for instance, the distance between people when you stand in line, like at Starbucks (proximity) is much greater.

The same goes for other modes of nonverbal expression, like hugs, which I decided to write about today, because it's mentioned so much. I was prompted to by watching a video touting the release of oxytocin that you get from a 20 SECOND HUG, which I think might be called holding someone, or being held. 20 seconds is a very long time for a "social hug." That having been said, what I wanted to add here is that only in an area like D.C. could there be a radio show like "Delila" which is on the popular station at night. It is THE most touchy-feely radio show you can imagine, with people invited to call in and talk about their love - lost, current, unrequited, etc. and anything else emotional. People call in who have lost a spouse, are having trouble with their neighbors, have witnessed child abuse and want to know what to do about it, are grieving a job, etc. Delila comments and then plays them a song she chooses as appropriate. She also gives advice to the lovelorn. All this in Washington, D. C. and ... no one ever owns up to listening to it. Since I meet with clients a good bit at night (for their convenience) I hear it often. It is always soothing.

Okay -- let's take a look at hugs.

Oxytocin is a hormone that relaxes blood pressure and cortisol levels, increases pain thresholds, reduces anxiety, and stimulates various types of positive social interation. It also promotes growth and healing. It is best-known as the lactating hormone, but it's around and released in other ways, particularly hugging.

OK, it's released with orgasm too, but particularly when there is DEEP EMOTIONAL CONNECTION, i.e., the difference between "having sex" and "making love."
It plays an important role in stress and pain. Repeated exposure to oxytocin produces long-lasting effects by influencing the activity of other transmitter systems. Oxytocin can be released by various types of sensory stimulation, for example by touch and warmth, light, sounds (music), massage, hugs, sex and the ingestion of food.

This is one explanation for why positive interaction involving touch and psychological support, such as therapy, coaching, etc. can be so beneficial. You can see here as well why ISOLATION is harder on the health than obesity, blood pressure and smoking COMBINED. And why it's so important to have good emotional intelligence -- so you can have lots of great relationships. (Call me for coaching!)

How It Works

If you've read my ezines and/or taken the Emotional Intelligence course, you know all about the amygdala, and this figures in here.

Oxytocin suppresses the activity of the amygdala, which processes fear and communicates it to the rest of the brain, controls fear and anxiety, and detects threat stimuli and links them to defensive behaviors via the brain stem and hypothalamic structures, which organize fear responses. Oxytocin tempers the excitatory inputs into the amygdala.

This is why we say, when we're falling in love, "I feel safe."

You can see how beneficial this all is. I'm sure, too, you can recognize people whose amygdala is set just a bit too high. Where everything seems like a threat to them.

So get out there and give and get your hugs, and getcha some!

Dating for the Holidays

Have you noticed the dating activity kicking up? You can feel it in the nightclubs, dance halls and on the Internet. Men do not like to be alone during the holidays, and so they more actively seek companionship.

Ladies, take advantage of this energy to meet someone, but remember the rules! Very important to remember the rules at this time -- it's what he DOES, not what he SAYS, that counts.

From today's emailbag:

We had dated for a couple of weeks. He was everything I looked for in a man. He talked about buying a house, all the same old stuff. But as soon as I went to bed with him, it blew up in my face. WTF??
Signed: 50 and Ought to Have Known Better

Be especially aware of early bundling-up if you are seriously interested in the man for a life partner. Remember that it is up to the woman to set the pace. If he gets ahead of himself, he might get scared and run.

If you're seriously looking for a serious relationship, call me for dating coaching. Coaching by phone, email, and in person in the D. C. area. And ladies, check out my Midlife Dating Manual - www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html.

The Top 10 Questions to Ask When You're Dating at Midlife

The Top 10 Questions to Ask When You're Dating at Midlife
by Susan Dunn, The Dating Coach

1. How much baggage is he carrying?

"Baggage" is different from life history. Baggage refers to serious unresolved problems -- an ex-wife he can't get over, betrayal by a business partner that has destroyed his trust, or an untreated depression. Nothing's carved in stone. It matters only if the man is stuck, or willing to move on. (Try referring them to coaching if stuck. Attitude can be changed, if circumstances cannot, as you know!)

2. His emotional intelligence.

My client Melinda was having trouble figuring out what was going on with the guy she was dating who was 10 years older than she was. She assumed someone older was also wiser, which is not the case. A person's emotional age can be much younger than their chronological age. If your intuition is telling you he's immature, he is, regardless of his chronological age. If you're in doubt, one session with an EQ coach can give you valuable information. EQ can always be advanced, BTW.

3. What does your intuition tell you?

Are you getting messages from your intuition? You should be. It's your most valuable guide. Intuition is an emotional intelligence competency. Everyone has it, and it can also be developed. An assessment like The EQ Map will tell you how good yours is, and EQ coaching can help you improve it. Intuition takes up where the data runs out, and we need it for the most important life decisions of the heart. (He may call it "gut feeling.") How will know he's the right one for you? Your intuition. Analyzing the data will notget you there.

4. How are his relationships with the rest of his family?

There are patterns in our lives that keep repeating themselves (unless there is intervention). If his children aren't speaking to him, or if they are calling him constantly and overly dependent on him, there's something wrong. The same things will likely occur in your relationship with him. For instance, if he tells you his daughter "defied" him and he kicked her out, what do you think lies ahead for you when you first "defy" him, I mean have a disagreement?

5. What is his relationship with his mother?

We all know to check this one, but don't overlook it.

6. What do you know about his former wife or wives?

Men are far less likely to change of broaden their tastes than women; in fact they are known to marry the same woman over and over again. You can find out what his "type" is and then anticipate the chances he'll marry you. You can also anticipate where the sore points may lie. Let's say you're dating a physician who has married two social workers, and you're a therapist. For some reason he's attracted to psychological-types, and for some reason it hasn't worked out. That reason why it hasn't worked out needs to be given a long, cold look. (Call a coach!) Unless he is willing to change his way of doing things, you and he will have the same outcome.

7. Where is he in his career?

A man who is ready to retire is often desperate for companionship. If his work has been his "life," it's a time of confusion and fear, and his need will border on desperation for something to cling to. It's not that you'd mind being a "lifesaver" temporarily, it's that he won't know his own mind, and yet will be very convincing. If you're getting a barrage of flowers and cards and he's talking about Fear of Retirement, give it time and look it over carefully.

8. How long has he been single?

My long experience in dating coaching confirms that a man in transition is not a good bet. Occasionally it works out, but not often. If he is "legally separated" or newly divorced, keep your thinking cap on. Men are likely to grab the first woman who comes along (who's willing). Their vulnerability and touching earnestness can make them deceptively attractive. You won't know you were being used until later on. Good coaches recommend their male clients in such a state date several women so as not to "lead them on." Lead them on to what? A man newly divorced is not ready for a new commitment. If you're just looking for a good time, he's your man (thought the ending will still be rough). If you want serious, and you get involved, you're likely to get your heart broken. Check it out with your coach if you're not sure what you're looking at. Men are not as creative in their response to life as women, and the patterns are quite recognizable to someone with experience.

9. What are his finances?

The state of a man's finances at mid-life can indicate patterns. For instance, if he's not been able to commit to a career or to a marriage, divorce takes its toll, and he's likely to be in dire straits financially. There are other reasons too, of course, such as bad luck, or being in field with natural ups and downs, like the stock market, so check it out. The money itself isn't the issue, it's how and why it happened. (The value of money to you is a personal decision). Decide what you want and need in this area, check out his situation, and then find out why he is where he is.

If he's well-heeled and ready for retirement, you will have a high-level problem. Likely he is about to grab a gal and cut loose. Is this you? In other words, what you see is not what you're going to get. If you have ties to kids in the States and he wants to go live in the mountains of Spain or spend a year at-sea on his yacht (as happened to one of my clients - the guy was ready to set sail for 12 months!), you'd best know this as soon as possible so you can make a decision.

10. Why are YOU dating?

In listening to people, and reading the online profiles, we see different points of view. While we assume in our 20s that men and women want the same thing in marriage, interests vary widely at midlife. A man may be impotent, for instance, and just want companionship, or twice-burned and determined never to marry again which might be fine with you, except what it really means is he will never love again. (I wish these men would come for coaching!) He may have his family all gathered around him and be planning to spend his later years playing with the grandkids, or want to live in the Bahamas and travel 6 months of the year. And what do you want? The main thing to figure out is his flexiblity (an emotional intelligence competency). Some people are quite willing to change plans with time, or for a loved one. Others are not. You need to know what you're looking at. If he's the kind who has been in the same profession for 40 years and lived in the same house for 30, and says he will work till he dies and never move, you'd best believe it.


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By Susan Dunn, MA, Clinical Psychology, Founding Member of Coachville, Life & EQ Coach, who can be reached at sdunn@susandunn.cc, or visited on the web. Susan Dunn wants you to know: Offering individual coaching, DATING COACHING, business programs, seminars, Internet courses and ebooks around emotional intelligence for your personal and professional enhancement. Top-rated coach certification program - fast, affordable, effective, no-residency. Email for information and for free ezine.