Meeting Organically vs. The Other Ways

The question was raised recently - what's the best way to meet someone?

For one thing, I think this varies depending on the area of the country and the place where you live. In some places, there are known areas where singles can go and meet others like themselves. In other places, such as the D. C. area, it appears to be easier to meet people online. Just to begin with - finding other singles.

Now which works better for you? I think if you just SEE someone and they appeal to you, this is likely to be physical attraction alone. However, it seems to work very well when you meet someone in a context, such as through a Board you are both on, at work (always tricky though), or church. Then you get to know their personality, not just how they look.

Getting to know someone online, you already know some important things about the person, and these are generally things you wouldn't necessarily know from working with them, or being on a Board with them.

Let's face it, people meet in the most amazing ways. And it happens all the time. But those are chance things. I think there's something to be said for taking action, joining on online dating site, and letting the Universe know that you are interested.

If you need tips on how to screen online folks, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc . A few trips around the block and I can tell you what signs to look for, who to delete right away (and why), and how to proceed. For instance, you want to move it rather rapidly from email to phone to in-person.

Dating online is probably the best way to meet people in the D. C. area where people work long hours, the commutes are long, and, well, it's the style.

Does it work for friends to fix you up -- or family. Most of the people I coach, say "no." Friends are always trying to help friends out in this area, but it's amazing - oh let me say sometimes really awful - to find out who your friends think might be a good date for you. You begin to wonder "What on earth?"

Yes, it works best for you to get out there and take action on your own behalf, because YOU KNOW BEST about what you want. If you need help clarifying this, please call me for coaching. "I like blonds" is not going to get you the life partner you want.

P.S. From what I hear from my many clients, as a dating coach, I would say the least likely way to meet viable candidates is through a match-making service.

There is no such thing as safe sex

As a Dating Coach, I keep up on the Internet dating sites as well as things around town.

IN VOGUE (from the guys): "Friends first"
TRANSLATION: Ladies, I will say this over and over again. It is the MEN who cannot handle sex too soon. Despite that they will ALWAYS accept it if offered. I have heard of so many good relationships, potential-marriage relationships that were ruined because sex came too soon and the man felt "in over my head" or "out of control." (Yes, ladies, I know -- you'd think that would be the once-in-a-lifetime they would LOOK for. Not.)

TRANSLATION: This is when (they tell me) they start having car accidents, double-booking clients, forgetting important meetings, CANCELING important meetings, losing track of time, getting SICK (that's a big sign).

Ladies, it is up to YOU to CONTROL THE PACE OF THE RELATIONSHIP. And it is to yur advantage to do so.

A good time frame to allow sex into the relationship? 3 months is a "rule of thumb," but that can be too soon for some men. Use your feminine intuition. (Let me help you hone yours. It's part of emotional intelligence and can be learned.)

Men need time to ANALYZE what is going on. It is HARD-WIRED that they have to pay attention and be alert at all times, and sex, well you know -- I think it's safe to say what I read on a teen blog the other day:

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS SAFE SEX. ALL SEX IS DANGEROUS.

The Role of Attraction

Attraction plays such a major role in our dating. This is particularly difficult to handle if you're dating after a divorce. You are likely to be attracted to the same sort of individual, and yet are still full of all the negatives about the ex. After all, opposites attract and then repel.

In their book "It's Actually Your Parents Fault," the authors give you two solutions. Marry someone you aren't that attracted to, or change your personality.

I would phrase this another way. You are likely to be attracted to the same type all your life -- men more than women do this. And intellectually you know its because that other person has traits you admire, wish you had, etc. Then they get irritating, because ... because YOU DON'T HAVE THEM. The neatnik married the free spirit, and the games begin.

But it's the game it's about. I would be sad, I think to marry someone you "aren't that attracted to," because then there won't be that bond that binds.

And changing your personality is not in my vernacular. Lets look at it as becoming jore self-aware, raising your emotional intelligence and your relationship skills. Intellectually you know you love him because you're emotional and tend to worry, and he's solid like a rock. So don't forget that when the fighting starts! You married him BECAUSE OF those things. Use them. Learn how to work with them.

P.S. And help your OTHER remember, always, why he fell in love with you in the first place.

For dating coaching, call me at 817-734-1471. Offices in Manassas, Va and Chevy Chase, Md.

How to Repel a Man faster than Raid on Bugs

YOU DID WHAT???
From today's emailbag:

"Geez, I thought I played this one right. I never once called him. I waited forever to reply to his emails and just sent snippets. I didn't sleep with him for months. I sometimes wasn't available when he wanted to go out. I made it as hard for him as I could cuz I was really crazy about him. I gave him one and only one phone number, though he asked for more, and tried to reach me via email and fb too. Then he did the "need space" s***. Said he wanted to stay in touch. Said he'd call, hasn't. Did I do something wrong??"

Puzzled

Dear Puzzled:

Okay, ante-up here. Did you drunk dial/txt?
Susan

Reply:

How did you know?

LADIES, this is the #1 thing to AVOID when he's gone off to get his space, or recover from how crazy he got in love with you, or whatever else he's doing. As Coastal Guy writes in his great little article -- PLEASE AVOID THE TEMPTATION TO DRUKNK-DIAL, DRUNK-TEXT. NO GOOD CAN COME OF IT. EVER. I'm putting that big and bold. We've all done it -- once. If you've done it, then you know. If you haven't, please take the word of those who have.

And it's the thing you want to do the most when you're in pain -- and yes, this is suffering - when you fell in love, and he fell off the planet. My best suggestion is get a Wing Buddy - and that's a coach. I have done this for many men and women. I will tell you how to avoid this drunk/---ing, and be there for you when you just must. (Can't tell you the drunk-dials I've taken, to save people from self-sabotaging.) So call me at 817-734-1471, or email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc and sign up for coaching. Long-distance is fine. If you're in the DC area, we can meet in my office.

Now some tips from this article, by a guy, about when a guy's not calling you. For the full article, go here.

GOOD DATING (from the guy's point of view):

One contact number. If you give him fb, home phone and cell and work ... you get it. You look desperate.

LADIES, NOTE: THIS 'APPEARING DESPERATE' IS A REAL BIG TURNOFF FOR MEN. Just about anything -- real or unreal -- can signal it, so call me for coaching is you've got one you're desperate for, LOL.

Because HERE'S THE POINT. Men and women are different (you heard it first here). We women are highly selective, and so when we finally meet a man we could love (out of the 100 we've already rejected this year), we ARE the famous for "appearing desperate" to the man. Men are wired differently.

For instance I've coached lots of women who made the mistake of hopping right into bed with this one man they've met they could truly love, after the 100 they've rejected, and the man says, "You're very sexy." Not knowing it's strictly your response to him, and how you are with him.

That having been said, GET A WING BUDDY. Set up a coaching contract with me. It could save your relationship.

Other tidbits:

-- If you just met him and gave him your number and he's not calling, process the interaction. Call me and we'll go over it. He coulda been being polite; he coulda been drunk. Gotta know this!

-- If it's new and he hasn't called and you want to use the techno-vine, just do it once. One phone call. One fb. As our writer writes, more than that "is overkill and repels men faster than Raid on bugs."

-- Do flirty little messages. They like the fantasy/projection. Your therapist may get a fast heart-beat listening to MORE THAN THAT, but early dating is about fun! Quick chat on phone, if he calls, ending with "Oops, gotta go!" Chirp like a little songbird!

Now, straight from the guy's writing:

Step 6 The trick to waiting for a phone call is to not wait. Don't play that game. You have a life to live. Live it! The more you have going for you; the more "in demand" you are with other friends and social events, only makes you more attractive. Which leads to --

Step 7 Men generally want what we can't have. We're wired to want more and are never satisfied with what we already have. True, make yourself available, just not too available. Mentally turn the tables around. If he does call you back, wait a day or so to return his call.

Step 8 If he doesn't call you back, don't get mad; get even. Go out and meet someone who's worthy of your time. Best of luck!

You already know, if you've read my stuff, that we NEVER return an email or phone call in less than 24 hours. Right? Got it?

Email me for "the rules." Mention this blog article and I'll send them to you free.

Susan Dunn, Dating Coach

When It's "Fixable" and When It Isn't

From the email bag:

Dear Dating Coach:

This guy picked me up for a date. I have a room-mate and he picked me up at my place. We went out for the date. To me, he didn't act like a man. We went to the first place and they said there was a wait. So he just left. The next place they said there was a wait. He turned and stared at me. I said, let's sit down and have a drink. I mean he's retired and I guess does nothing all day but I was tired and not in the mood to walk a mall. The dinner table conversation went okay. Then when he drove me back home, he just stopped in the middle of the street in front of my house and said, "well good night."

THEN he had the nerve to call the next day and ask what went wrong.

I didn't think it was worth my time but I said "Well for starters you just dumped me out in the middle of the street."

He said, "Well I thought you should've asked me in."

I said, "Well I don't ask men in my house."

Who's right and who's wrong?

__________________________
Well, this is classic. Who's right and who's wrong? Well the two of you just don't get along, how's that? Sounds like from the get-go. Please remember, it isn't supposed to be HARD with a man you like, it's supposed to be easy. Like you generally drift along on the manners-things. Here are some examples:

You're the kind who expects the doors to be opened, and he opens them.
You expect to be asked in advance to a nice place, and he calls you Weds. to take you out Sat. to a good restaurant
You're the kind who hates formality. He asks you to have coffee with him at a Starbuck's.
You like rap and he's got it on his car radio. Loud, the way you like it.
You like to sit next to the man in a restaurant and that's where he sits.

Many of these things seem subtle, but in actuality, they are non-negotiables. As the poet said, You fall in love with his chest, the tilt of her eyebrow, something about the way she folds her hands, the way he looks when you talk about something emotional.

You FAIL to fall in love for even smaller reasons. Trust me ... I get letters. When we are in love we talk like poets, but when we can't stand someone, it is small things, and direct, AND THEY DO NOT EVER CHANGE. It is things such as these that I've heard from clients:

He slurped his soup.
There was a stain on her blouse.
Her makeup looked like war paint.
Worse kiss I ever had.
She used swear words.
He didn't stand up when I left and came back to the table.
He stood up when I left and came back to the table.

Gentle Reader, I want you to notice the last two, because I hear stuff like this all the time. "One man's meat is another man's poison." For every woman who demands formal manners and behavior, there's another woman who can't stand "any of that stuff" and wants to meet at the 7-11 in her jeans and t-shirt.

Pay careful attention to how you feel with your date. It's the little things that get to you, and they will only get worse. If he speaks sharply to the waiter and you get a twinge on the second date, 6 months later it will be the deal breaker.

For DATING COACHING, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .

Dating and the Cell Block Tango

Did you break up because of "artistic differences"?



Dating is difficult in today's world. Let me help you through the rought spots.

Dating and He Gets Weird ... how to interpret

Toxic Man/Woman v. Toxic Behaviors

It comes up a lot in dating. Someone gets squirrely right at first and says "stupid" things. Someone clams up and disappears for a while. You take him to a party and he can't seem to socialize. She loses her temper over something you consider inconsequential.

Let's face it dating someone new is nerve-wracking, and the more you like them, the worse it's likely to be. I know you know what I'm talking about.

The thing to figure out is if this is a recurring pattern for this person, or a temporary behavior because of the stress of dating (or a new job, or something else putting pressure on them).

In other words, does he get nervous and take a break from dating for a week or two because of the intensity of the dating situation ... or is he the kind who will disappear any and every time the going gets rough should you become a couple one day?

Let me help you figure this out. That's what Susan Dunn the Dating Coach is here for. It isn't easy dating in today's world. I've coached hundreds of people, and men and women of all ages are confused about what's going on and don't know what to do.

Email me and lets get started - sdunn@susandunn.cc .

How to Know if He's Really Interested in You

Ladies (and gentlemen), here's the bottom line, and I don't need to tell you this, I just am REMINDING you of this:

If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it. Period.

Let me show you how to make this happen. I've helped many men and women get it together in today's crazy dating world.



For dating coaching, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc . My clients include men and women of all ages, so let me tell you, I know the scoop.

If you want a serious relationship that becomes marriage, let me coach you.

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Dating for the Holidays

Have you noticed the dating activity kicking up? You can feel it in the nightclubs, dance halls and on the Internet. Men do not like to be alone during the holidays, and so they more actively seek companionship.

Ladies, take advantage of this energy to meet someone, but remember the rules! Very important to remember the rules at this time -- it's what he DOES, not what he SAYS, that counts.

From today's emailbag:

We had dated for a couple of weeks. He was everything I looked for in a man. He talked about buying a house, all the same old stuff. But as soon as I went to bed with him, it blew up in my face. WTF??
Signed: 50 and Ought to Have Known Better

Be especially aware of early bundling-up if you are seriously interested in the man for a life partner. Remember that it is up to the woman to set the pace. If he gets ahead of himself, he might get scared and run.

If you're seriously looking for a serious relationship, call me for dating coaching. Coaching by phone, email, and in person in the D. C. area. And ladies, check out my Midlife Dating Manual - www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html.

What Yanks Him Back from the Brink

From today's emailbag ... (don't know the source)

WHAT YANKS HIM BACK FROM THE BRINK
Some factors can derail a guy who’s about to fall.

1) They Get a New Opportunity
A promotion often means spending more hours at work or taking a schedule-chewing class. Instead of balancing that with their love lives, guys tend to prioritize their careers and believe that a solid relationship will endure the delay. So if something big is brewing, he may hold himself back.

1a) Overwhelm
Same deal, throw in something big/emotional like trouble with his kid

2) You Never Fight
Sure, guys hate arguing, but it’s worse if you don’t react negatively at all when he’s screwed up. A guy will worry that (a) you’re going to lash out later, (b) you’re a doormat, or (c) you’re not into him enough to care. Any of these will make him rethink your budding relationship.

3) Pure Panic
Many men worry that if they commit, they’ll have to give something up — friends, dart night, something. So when a guy realizes he’s fallen for you, he may freak out and pull away for a while. If you can weather his big-baby behavior without reacting in a way that confirms those fears, he should snap out of it.

3a) Post-Bad-Marriage Stress Syndrom
Same as #3 only bad memories about marriages past intensive it. (Try finger healing?)

THAT PESKY LITTLE EX
Honestly, I work with at-risk teens (volunteer), and I let them play their own radio station. There's a cute rap-ish song out now where the guy's singing that he'll get her over her ex. Guys - you start dating again too soon. (When a guy feels sad/bad he takes action to make the feeling go away, i.e., another chick - any old one will do.) Call me for dating coaching. Gals - you wait too long. Ditto. (Many women follow the unwritten rule that you stay in love with the last one until you fall in love with the next one.

ETC.

Guys, sometimes she doesn't want to "fight" with you because it's pretty much bliss. Yeah, it's possible.

Gals, let that career thing trump. It will work for you in the end.

For Dating Coaching, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .

Try www.zodiac-traits.com for the latest on astrological compatibility.

Guys on a First Date

What to guys say they "always do" on a first date?

From "Best Bachelors", they asked the guys

ON A FIRST DATE I ALWAYS ...

Now I gotta say, if you asked a woman that, she'd probably reply "I always get nervous." But here's what these guys said. Note the action words, the "I" words:

Mario: "...give honest compliments."
Justin Bartha: "...pay. And on the second date and the third."
Chris Messina: "...try to kiss the girl. I like to close that on the first date."
David Cook: "...act like I know what I'm doing, even when I don't."
Gerard Butler: "Shave."

For Dating Coaching, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc.

Check out the great new zodiac trait site that talks about zodiac compatibility, the compatibility of different signs. www.zodiac-traits.com . Nancy Fenn is an international expert astrologer and this site is getting raves.