Writing the Online Dating Profile

Writing your online profile on a dating site is extremely important. It surprises me how little effort some people put in to. You have two chances to attract suitable partners: your photograph and your online dating profile. It's important to choose the right photographs, and it's equally important to have a well-written online dating profile that shows who you really are.

I'm going to give you an example of a good profile, and then an example of a bad profile, and then I'm going to critique them. I've worked with many, many people in the dating area, and have listened to what they have said.

What's the difference between a good one and a bad one?

Well, first of all I'm not grading these on whether or not I, personally, would like the person or like to date them. "There's a lid for every pot." Rather, I'm grading them on how well-written they are, and if they give a good starting picture of what the person is like. After all, that's what dating is all about.

That having been said, there are certain rules. Regardless of how you might feel about it, the most important thing - says the research - is that your grammar and spelling be correct. Therefore, you might want to consider hiring a Dating Coach to help you write your profile.

Most of us will forgive a misspelling, or a grammatical error, but still it halts you in your reading. It is considered a sign of intelligence. In that "like attracts like", you will be looking for someone who matches you in their ability to spell and form a sentence. And, after all, there's spell check. Just construct your profile in Word, check it, and then cut and paste. Writing your online profile is too important to leave to chance.

EXAMPLE OF GOOD PROFILE AND CRITIQUE

Are you my co-conspirator? Looking for someone to share the private, not always socially-acceptable adventure that makes this all worthwhile. You don’t need to agree with me or share my views. If you do, we might run out of things to talk about! The “conspiracy” is a blend of attraction, affection, and trust that is not in your face, but never too far from awareness. Distilled permanent infatuation….

CRITIQUE: When the person writes "distilled permanent infatuation," he is going way out there where only a few can follow. This helps him to eliminate at the starting gate. Pretty erudite statement. It's also attempt to describe "love" - so if you aren't the kind who likes to define things, you will know to pass on this guy. I thought when reading it that he was an engineer or IT person, and turns out he was. (Hey, I'm not the Dating Coach for nuthin'!)

At the same time, "co-conspirator" defines a certain type of love relationship, and they are not all the same (doh). This is not someone looking for that deep, intense, romantic connection. Nope. He wants to conspire, and to have fun. He wants someone who will have a private language with him, people-watch and chat about it, someone where it's "we two against the world" but yet, having fun.

He gets good marks for good grammar, good writing, and for giving a good picture of what he's like in just one paragraph. Writing your online profile is very important, and this gentleman did a good job at it.

Now let's look at a bad one.

BAD PROFILE AND CRITIQUE

To tell many good words about yourself is not very modest and I don't like doing it because people see us from another angel [sic] but I can say that I am purposeful and industrious and trying to be reasonable. I can't say that I am shy and modest but tactful. I can say I am down-to-earth, communicative person who adapts easily in new companies.

CRITIQUE: Well, this is very tortured writing - someone who has trouble coming up with words. And to use "angel" instead of "angle" in an online dating profile is really careless. "Trying to be reasonable" indicates to me that he isn't. It sounds like a divorced person who's said a thousand times to his spouse, "Be reasonable" -- and sure enough, he's divorced (not widowered). "Be reasonable" is asking someone to be logical and rational, and this rarely occurs in an argument -- or in love for that matter. Do you want someone so analytical? (Well that's personal choice.) Nevertheless, it is poorly written. More than that, it is poorly thought. I think this is a person who really struggles with expression, and expressive communication is very important in relationships. Why on earth would you say "in new companies"? Does he mean with new people? Or does he literally mean at work?

You be the judge.

If you are going online to date, consider letting me write your profile for you, or edit it, or help you with brainstorming. It's extremely important. Especially if yo're a guy, because woman like words as much as -- or more than -- the photo.

And ladies, you need help too. There are things you can write that really scare the guys off, and from my extensive experience, I can tell you what they are.

Contact me, Susan Dunn The Dating Coach, at sdunn@susandunn.cc .

About online dating sites and your profile

Online dating sites are becoming more popular all the time. Sites such as match.com and chemistry.com that allows all comers, and then the more specialized sites such as jdate, and seniorpeoplemeet, and loveand seek.

Everyone has less time to date these days, with jobs being more demanding, and commutes taking up more time. Therefore, we turn to the Internet dating sites to meet other like-minded individuals. As a Dating Coach, I repeatedly am asked, "But where can I meet someone? I'm too busy." Well, consider that others are feeling this way too.

If you are going to be on an Internet dating site, your profile, and your profile photo are key. Basically speaking, men are keyed into visuals, and the photo is most important. And women are keyed into words, so the written profile matters a lot.

There are certain things to keep in mind when writing a profile. First of all, let me recommend that you get a coach to help you write it. Yes, it's that complicated.

As a Dating Coach, I've perused thousands of profiles, and more than that, I've heard from hundreds of clients about what works and what doesn't.

Here are a few of the basics.

While you should feel free to show who you are, good grammar and spelling still count. Women, particularly, are turned off by poorly written profiles. This includes words that are misspelled, grammatical errors such as run-on sentences, and sentences where Every Word is Capitalized.

While you don't want to sound too stilted, you do want to sound like someone well enough educated to string together some correct sentences.

That having been said, we will all forgive the odd spelling and grammar mistake, and the obvious typo, if what the person says is engaging.

Most of all, we want to get a feel for what the person is like, to see if it's worth taking that next step and contacting them. We want to know what "compatibility" means to them -- and trust me, for each person it is different. While one man wants a hard-driving career woman for a partner, another man wants the traditional wife to stay home and keep his house for him while he works and is the sole provider. While one woman wants a serious engineer for a spouse, another thinks only a marketing person, or sales person is exciting and versatile enough. Don't be afraid to show who you are, and, just as importantly, to say what you are looking for.

Here are portions of some profiles that have gotten good reviews. Some I wrote for clients, and come they wrote themselves. See what you think, and feel free to share you thoughts. I also include many examples on my facebook site. Please invite me to be your friend on facebook.

EXAMPLES OF GOOD PROFILES:

45 y.o. m: Hi, Have you ever been so excited about something you couldnt contain yourself, so excited that you wanted to scream YEEEEAAAAHHH ... that is how excited I want to be about you!!!!.... I love all music from Metallica to The Cleaveland Symphony Orchestra, I walk/run 4 miles a dayl...I give a 100% and I want the same from you.. I believe in chemistry and I know what I like, You probably do too

‎21 y.o. male: Generally, I’ve always been a guy about breaking barriers and jumping out of my comfort zone and I’m looking for someone who’s likes to do the same. Staying positive is key: I love to be with people who can see the glass as half full, and extra points for a great smile, especially when dealing with my sarcasm! I love being around people and enjoy every chance to meet someone new,

21 y.o. female: I just moved to Maryland from Florida after graduating with my bachelors degree in Psychology. I hope to continue on to graduate school sometime soon but right now I'm concentrating on working. I find it a bit hard to describe myself, because honestly I'm a little bit of everything. That probably comes from living in a lot of different places because I'm an Air Force brat.

60 y.o. male: Four days a week, I am a practicing attorney and mediator, specializing in family law, who also manages real estate which I have acquired in the Historic District of Annapolis. In my spare time (which I hope to expand), I love taking trips to places near and far--including a lake house I own in New Hampshire. I also enjoy digital photography

50 y.o. male: My family comes first and is "everything to me". I would love to find that special someone who shares my view of the cosmos and with whom I can communicate in every way. That person would enjoy spending time with me and sharing all the wonderful things that life has to offer while, at the same time, retaining her own identity and not feeling compelled to abdicate

49 y.o. male: Anything in the mountains or by the water is enjoyable. I travel the globe as a function necessary for my chosen career and to name any one place would be difficult. I do enjoy Italy and Ireland but always enjoy coming home to refuel. I enjoy music from the fifties and sixties, big band sounds, the occasional opera. TV is reduced to Learning and Discovery Channels and football playoffs...

66 y.o. female: I don't say "friends first," because "friends" is something else. I need a man in my life who will txt or call me in the day to tell me what just happened at work, and check and see if I'm safe on the road, who loves life as I do, and loves to be in love. Someone I can't wait to see at the end of the day, can't wait to wake up to in the morning, & who feels the same way about me.

43 y.o. female: I admire and respect people who do good when no one is watching, who believe in paying it forward, who create happiness around them, have the courage to risk failure and rejection, and do not see the world as black or white. I enjoy creating a warm and happy home life for my man. I believe that life is about those small moments of magic....

If you'd like help writing a profile that works, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc . I offer dating coach to help you get out of the dating world and into the relationship you've longed for.

LBJ the Great Seducer

In my opinion, LBJ pushed through more legislation than any other president. His tapes are available on youtube.com and they are fascinating to listen to. You can see how he did it.

Listen to how he "flirts" with Jackie Kennedy on this tape:

When you listen to the tapes, you will see how he persisted in what he wanted, kept after it, asked others for their opinion of how he was doing, joked in times of stress, sounded confident and self-assured -- as a leader should. Lyndon Baines Johnson.

This is a lesson in emotional intelligence, not a political statement. If you don't know the difference, you need to study emotional intelligence with me. Call 817-734-1471.

What American Men Can Learn from a Good Nigerian Romance Scammer

I'm currently working with a client who is plagued by Nigerian (presumably) Romance Scammers.

I've helped her identify them - and today alone, through match.com, she had 3 contacting her, and then a 4th via facebook. 2 of the ones from match.com were on her "daily match."

Surefire clues --

-- They want to go to yahoo IM immediately and have monikers like mikewest144.
-- You will find out right away that they are an "engineer"
-- They will mention they are either on their way to Nigeria or Malaysia or that they are already there

One of hers said he was coming back to America and could she meet him at the airport. "What airport?" she asked, and he replied, "O'Hare International Airport." When she lives in San Antonio, Texas.

-- They will say they are born in Europe, but live in the US, in some place they cannot tell you anything about. For instance, they live in San Antonio and you ask about the Alamo, and they change the subject
-- They do not answer your questions, they ask another one
-- They are incredible misfortunate - their child is sick (they are always a widower), they are in the hospital, their child is in the hospital, their mother is dying. They need money for this ... and then for the plane ticket ... and then for customs ...

That having been said, there are things an American man can learn from the best of the Nigerian scammers. These are related by one of my clients who was in the hands of a really astute Nigerian scammer:

--They use the phrase "I am here" and "I've got your back" and "I'll stand by you," and "I'll never go away"
--They are online seemingly 24/7, and always available for the woman they are 'courting'
--They talk about family, obligations, and the fact that they won't run
--They say they will do anything for family, and will make sacrifices
--They shower the woman with attention - verbal, verbal, verbal
--They state that age doesn't matter (usually "age is a mare [sic] number")
--The best of them make very few grammatical errors, no more than a person typing would, like typos
--They have just the right tone of voice on the phone (albeit there is an accent, which they attribute to being born elsewhere, or all their travels)-sweet, full of emotion
--They are very emotional - will cry when reporting that their brother died in surgery, will show anger if you don't appear online for a day
--They say they will cook for the woman, retire her, take her around the world
--They use poetry and sweet words - copied off the Internet, but then what is a quote from Shakespeare but that -- a quote. Just that they don't attribute it. nevertheless, it works
--They use "honey" and "baby" liberally, and woman fall for this, trite as it is
--The photos they send are tasteful, good looking, well dressed, everything in place (nothing skanky). The best do not send anything porn-like.

The thing I want to say is that this is becoming as prevalent as the stupid email scams we've been getting for years (and still do), saying you've won the lottery in some foreigh country. If this woman received more than one in her daily match, look at what is going on.

Especially if you look classy or like you have money, you can expect to hear from these people regularly.

Do turn them in to match.com if you get one, and also to the scam sites if you like. Here is one place to report if scammed re: Malaysia.

They write:

An increasing number of Americans have been victims of scams originating in Malaysia. Con artists contact Americans through the internet, including dating web sites. These con artists usually pose as American citizens who have unexpectedly experienced a medical, legal, financial or other type of emergency in Malaysia that requires immediate financial assistance.

You can also report to the Internet Crime Complaint Center.

Here are some romance scam sites:
Romance scam
Travel.State.Gov
Yahoo Romance Scam Info
Nigerian Dating Scam with Photos

If you check out these sites, you will see that the same phrases are used over and over. They will generally send the scammed stuff via email, not the IM. If you feel suspicious, copy the email and google it, and you will likely find it was scammed off the Internet, and appears over and over on these romance-scam sites.

You will find certain photos are used repeatedly. They are exceptionally appealing men, usually men that would pass for around 50 years of age, and they are generally models, but not always.

Here is one commonly used. Bear in mind the real person this is a photo of, is NOT the scammer:


This has been used with aliases such as Gabsy Fisher, John Armstrong, Joe, Mike, Scott Smith, Vincente Miguel, and more. The photos used are generally of men that could pass for multi-national.

So -- ladies beware when you are dating. This is becoming increasingly prevalent and has made its way into the legitimate dating sites such as match.com . There are places you can report this abuse.

But -- be aware that almost immediately the Nigerian scam artist will remove his profile from the site. (After all, it takes just a few minutes to set one up.) With the woman mentioned above, she got her dailies today, and by this evening, the man's profile was no longer online. And he had already told her his child was sick in the hospital.

The really good ones will work the relationship for a month or two, and they do a really good job at it.

Bear in mind that they are psychologically astute. If you sound desperate, lonely, like you are a pushover, that you are kind-hearted, that you always stand by people, if you react to their emotionality, that you like to help ... it will signal them to keep at it.

Good luck!

SUSAN DUNN, DATING COACH - 817-734-1471, sdunn@susandunn.cc .

Nigerian / Malaysian Romance Scams

There has been an alarming increase in romance scams. Russian women? Yes, but that's old. Now it's Nigerians going after women in the U.S.

You would think it would be easy to spot a romance scam. They wouldn't be on a legitimate site, like match.com? Guess again. They wouldn't be able to do sophisticated jokes? Guess again.

Here are some of the things to look for:

1. They are on a legitimate site, with a full profile. They also stalk you down on facebook.

2. They have inordinately handsome photos, like the one shown above. The person using that photo has called himself John, Matthew, Vincente, and more. They are often photos of models taken off the Internet. They also use photos of real people. Bear in mind the person above is NOT the scammer. The scammer is a Nigerian sitting in an Internet cafe, often corresponding with 10-12 women at a time.

3. They ask you to go to yahoo IM immediately.

4. They are famous for using "buzz".

5. They immediately call you "honey" and "baby."

6. They are usually a widower with one child.

7. They "live" in the US, but immediately head for a foreign country, often, these days, Malaysia.

8. Often they are an engineer working on a "project" in Malaysia or Nigeria.

9. They have incredible bad luck, for which they'll hit you up for money which they want wired, Western Union: their brother dies and they have to pay funeral expenses, they have to pay an "agent" to get a job, their child dies in a car accident, they become ill overseas and have to pay a doctor. Eventually they want to come "home" to you, and ask for money. They then will need more money to get through "Customs."

10. They want your address in order to send you flowers.

11. They want you to accept foreign packages for them.

12. They ask you to marry them immediately.

13. They have Anglo names like John Armstrong or Kevin Williams. Sometimes the names are misspelled - Kevins Jones.

14. Many have autrocious spelling and grammar, the smarter ones do a very good job with English.

15. They call you on the phone and they have a weird accent which they explain by saying they've lived in different countries, or are from Germany (popular).

16. They prey on women who are not attractive - which categories I will let you imagine ...

17. They ask questions early-on that would indicate your wealth, i.e., what kind of car do you have, how much does it cost to get your hair done, do you own a house.

18. They will ferret out whether there is a man in your life who can 'stand for you.' If not, you are especially good prey. For instance, they might ask who takes care of your car.

19. They send you emails with poetry they have scammed off the Internet. Google part of a message they send you that is romantic, and you will be led to scam sites.

20. They give you an inordinate amount of attention, praise, sweet words and epithets. (If only real suitors would take tips from these romance scam artists.)

21. Their site on match.com (for instance) disappears the minute you start corresponding.

22. If you're paying attention, you'll catch them at mistakes. You'll see a message on their IM site. They'll call you by the wrong name. They'll forget how many kids they have, or their mother's name.

If you begin to get any of these signals, or something doesn't seem right about someone you're corresponding with, PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR INSTINCTS. Do NOT send any money to someone overseas that you don't know. Call me for dating coaching (817-734-1471) if you suspect anything, or want more guidance. If you suspect, stop all contact at once. This is a variant on the old Nigerian 419, and these people are pros, and are NOT nice people.





3.

What the science of human nature can teach us: newyorker.com

This could be the most important article you read this year about dating, emotional intelligence, relationships, sex, partnering, marriage and success.

What the science of human nature can teach us: newyorker.com

Dating During Rutting Season

RULES OF DATING

Okay, I really don't know for sure when rutting season is, besides being in the fall, for deer at any rate. How do I know this? I had a date the other night and, being new to the D. C. area, I commented to my date, a long-term resident of the area, that I had seen a dead deer beside the road every day for several weeks.

"It's rutting season," he said. With that sort of pause that means, well, you know.

But my clients, and the general level of activity tells me that it IS human rutting season. First of all, more babies are born in September than any other time of year and yes, folks, that's 9 months away. Get it? It's a cold and lonely time of year. It's dark and some of us suffer from SAD (seasonal affective disorder). We have a post-Christmas let down. We suffer from holiday expectations that weren't met - that gift we didn't get, the family get-together that was more like a free-for-all. And the days get cold and dark so fast.

So, yes, it's a time when dating online really picks up.

Men are hard-wired to take action on an emotion, i.e., if they feel bad, they do something to make that go away, and to feel good. this translates to -- If you're lonely - get a date.

Ladies, here are some tips for taking advantage of this time of year and of NOT being TAKEN advantage of this time of year. Most of these apply year 'round, it's just that there's more activity this time of year.

-- Don't read ANYTHING into anything a man says. If he says, "You're the most beautiful woman I've met on match.com," just say, "Thank you" or "Pass the salt please."
-- Actions speak louder than words where men are concerned. Pay attention to a man's behavior and actions, not so much to what he says. Remember, for instance, that if he cares about you and wants to see you, he will MAKE time. We're all "too busy." Unless, of course, it means something to us. Would you ever be "too busy" to go pick up your $1,000,000 lottery check?
-- More than ever during this season, take your time. It is up to the woman to pace the relationship. Do not let the guy get ahead of himself, or try to overwhelm you.
-- Rehearse over and over, "I'm not comfortable with..." It's the nice way to say "no." The pressure will increase this time of year. So practice your responses ahead of time. (Get some coaching if you need some tips on this.)
-- Make some extra time for dating this time of year, because the guys are out there beating the bushes. If you can clear your schedule for some more dating time, you'll enjoy the benefits. It's a good time to meet people.
-- Check out things that you can, i.e., you can visit the man's profile on the Internet and see what's going on. If he's been putting the mash on you, and you go to his profile and see "Active within the last 24 hours" - get a clue.
-- Until a man has demonstrated his sincere interest by actions, and has specifically asked you for an exclusive relationship, keep on dating. It will help you have a clear head.
-- If you catch yourself with a spinning head, call for some coaching, or talk to a friend. You don't want to miss all the action, but it can be overwhelming. dating coaching can help you manage it all better, for the best possible outcomes.
-- Don't ask a man out. Don't 'wink' first. Don't reply to 'winks'. Remember -- the rules of courtship are hard-wired. The man is the pursuer and do the work, and it's got to be more than a "wink".
-- Resist any urges to plan the date, if asked to. He might say he's too busy. First of all, what is he too busy with? Other dates? Secondly, that's his job. Remember - the rules of courtship are hard-wired.

Here's a special tip. Work with a team-mate or better yet, a coach. I have helped women with this. (I'm on the dating sites to learn more, and also to date.) One client was getting some real heavy-duty stuff from a guy online, and somehow smelled a rat. I contacted the guy, and guess what? I got back the exact same email he had written to her. Yes, guys do that. No, you don't want to engage with such a man.

And while we're at it, hone up on your ability to "smell a rat," to "look in the horse's mouth." Dating coaching can really help you learn to eliminate a lot of propblems by helping you understand your intuition. It's our best guide. It is often confused with fantasy, and wishful thinking, so let me help you learn the difference. It can save you a lot of grief.

If you aren't getting much action from your profile, please contact me for some dating coaching. I can help you build a better profile, and one that gets the kind of results that you want.