Results of the Latest Dating Survey

SUSAN DUNN DATING COACH

I met tonight with a group to talk about dating. I do this often to keep my pulse on what's going on. Call it a "focus group."

The topic tonight was "What's a deal-breaker for you?"

Well, as with everything else about dating, everyone had a different MAJOR deal-breaker. The things mentioned were "apalling" to the person mentioning them, but seemed "ho hum" to the others. Of course we eliminated things like in-house arrest, sex offender,

There were some minor offenses people mentioned that turned them off. Among them were:
- Sounding desperate
- Too many exclamation points!!!
- Contrived phrases
- When it sounded like you'd had someone write your profile (there are certain phrases those canned writers supply that we all recognize, and that's why I recommend you use my services. Your profile will be unique to you and written for you by me, personally, with your input, of course)
- Bad gramer and spling
- Inappropriate emphasis on sex, money, or God
- A man who writes his daughter is everything to him
- References to being 'in recovery' about anything
- Indications of baggage that was debilitating (even though denied)

There was no consensus on anything physical such as color of hair, height, lack of hair, body size, or degree of 'good' looks. In fact it was obvious that in the physical category "one man's meat is another man's poison."

The absolute deal breaker was when they found out a person had lied. There was much consensus that men lied about their height and women, about their weight.

We agreed it was silly to lie, that you would be found out sooner or later, but still it goes on.

LET ME HELP YOU WRITE A PROFILE THAT SELLS. That's what it's all about, and we want you to have success in 2011. When you finally find the one that's right for you, it's all worthwhile.



There was only one deal-breaker that was agreed

There is no such thing as safe sex

As a Dating Coach, I keep up on the Internet dating sites as well as things around town.

IN VOGUE (from the guys): "Friends first"
TRANSLATION: Ladies, I will say this over and over again. It is the MEN who cannot handle sex too soon. Despite that they will ALWAYS accept it if offered. I have heard of so many good relationships, potential-marriage relationships that were ruined because sex came too soon and the man felt "in over my head" or "out of control." (Yes, ladies, I know -- you'd think that would be the once-in-a-lifetime they would LOOK for. Not.)

TRANSLATION: This is when (they tell me) they start having car accidents, double-booking clients, forgetting important meetings, CANCELING important meetings, losing track of time, getting SICK (that's a big sign).

Ladies, it is up to YOU to CONTROL THE PACE OF THE RELATIONSHIP. And it is to yur advantage to do so.

A good time frame to allow sex into the relationship? 3 months is a "rule of thumb," but that can be too soon for some men. Use your feminine intuition. (Let me help you hone yours. It's part of emotional intelligence and can be learned.)

Men need time to ANALYZE what is going on. It is HARD-WIRED that they have to pay attention and be alert at all times, and sex, well you know -- I think it's safe to say what I read on a teen blog the other day:

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS SAFE SEX. ALL SEX IS DANGEROUS.

Susan Dunn's Communication Operating Principles for Dating

Comunication is essential to good dating. Here are my communication operating principles.

Favorite Communication Operating Principles
by Susan Dunn

Virginia Sapir, a psychologist and pioneer in family counseling, wrote: "Once a human being has arrived on this earth, communication is the largest single factor determining what kinds of relationships he makes with others and what happens to him in the world about him."

With this in mind, I present some my favorite Communication Operating Principals.

1. "In order to understand what another person is saying you must assume it is true and try to imagine what it could be true of."
~ George Miller ~

2. "The first law of communication is: Assume you have been misunderstood."
~ Source Unknown ~

3. "Men can take up to 7 hours longer [than women] to process complex emotive data. [They] will not know what they feel at the moment of feeling and will take longer to figure it out. [They] may not be able to put their feelings in words - if they choose a verbal strategy at all."
~Michael Gurian, author of "What Could He Be Thinking" ~

4. "Verbal confrontation is as natural to men as walking or breathing, and as unconscious."
~ Suzette Haden Elgin, author of "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense" ~

5. "There is a libraryful of research to indicate that logic is almost useless as a way of convincing people of anything."
~ Suzette Haden Elgin ~

6. "Never use Hedges ('I know you'd never let me, but . '). They are exactly equivalent to wearing a big sign that say 'Please kick me - I would love to be a victim.'"
~ Suzette Haden Elgin ~

7. "If a man truly wants to communicate with his wife, he must enter her world of emotions."
~ Gary Smalley ~

8. "For parlor use, the vague generality is a life saver."
~ George Ade ~

9. "The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said."
~ Peter Drucker ~

10. "Sympathetic people often don't communicate well. They * back reflected images which hide their own depths."
~ George Eliot ~

11. "If you can always be taken by surprise because you have no idea what verbal aggression is or how to spot it, you are an ideal target."
~ Suzette Haden Elgin ~

12. "The genius of communication is the ability to be both totally honest and totally kind at the same time."
~ John Powell ~

Whether we're communicating at work, socially, or in an intimate relationship, and whether we're communicating thoughts or feelings, it's a strategy, a choice we make in an effort to accomplish something. And, it's good to remember - if you're there, you're communicating SOMETHING, whether you mean to or not.

Interpersonal skills are part of emotional intelligence and can be learned. Become aware of your communication style and work to improve it.