How to Win at Dating

YOU CAN WIN AT DATING

"It's tough to do, but you've got to work at living, you know? Most people work at dying, but anybody can die; the easiest thing on this earth is to die. But to live takes guts; it takes energy, vitality, it takes thought. . . . We have so many negative influences out there that are pulling us down. . . . You've got to be strong to overcome these adversities . . . that's why I never stop." - Jack LaLane

The Dating Coach is here to help you keep after the good things in life. It's easy to give up. But not with me as your Dating Coach.

I've helped many people to success. Let me help you. sdunn@susandun.cc

Trick Questions Dates Ask You

ARE YOU STILL BEATING YOUR WIFE AND OTHER "TRICK" QUESTIONS

Dear Susan,

This guy's on eharmony where you do all those canned questions and answers. When we got to the open comunication he asked, "So do you have your life together?" I smelled a rat. How are you supposed to answer that, and what are they after? I suspect he has issues with some bipolar from his past ... what are your thoughts?"
Love, Kammetha

Dear Kammetha,

You're right to smell a rat. I would beg the issue, and answer: "Yes, my life is great, and I'd like someone to share it with."

You beg the question "is your life together?" I'd take under advisement any one who would ask that. Life is never 'together.' Okay? For instance, if HIS life is so "together" why is he looking for a mate? It tells more about him and his past failures or mistakes in date-choosing. It's like asking "So are you addicted to illegal drugs?" Or "Do you get along with your parents and do you have lots of friends?" "Are you an exercise freak/coach potato?"

These are questions better lived out. If asked directly, they exhibit a kind of naivete you want to avoid. If you can't identify someone who might be on drugs, please call me for coaching. Most people with disordered lives give off plenty of cues. Many will come right out and say it; they take a sort of pride in it.

Things like coach potato? We have a hard time descibing our "interests". They DEPEND. Be much more aware of someone who lists one interest. They will probably be unbalanced and rigid. If he lists for his interests "golf," he is looking for a golf partner not a woman and relationship. Let him find a man for that.

These questions are in a sense like the old legal one: "Are you still beating your wife?"

Let me help you sort out the clues and get smart! I've read hundreds of profiles and emails, and talked to people dealing with them. And let me help you formulate questions that GET YOU THE ANSWER YOU ARE LOOKING FOR.

If she couldn't, how can you??

Why Sandra wasn't meeting men

Why should you be looking for Mr. Right on the Internet? Because, despite what lots of experts say, these days it is nearly impossible to meet men in the daily course of your life, including work and activities.

Listen to what Sandra told me:

Thank you sooo much for getting me on the Internet to date. And boy am I telling other people. I have a high profile job in public relations. You know how they always tell you to get out where they men are? Picture this -- for years I've had lunch at some networking event several times a week - rotary, bank openings, product launches, "meet the new CEO" presentations. Even the occasional C&W dance hall opening, or bar. I give and go to banquets at night constantly, where there are 100s of men present, good, eligible ones. On Sunday I go to all the churches, giving speeches. I speak and schmooz with the military (3 big bases in town), the CEOs, the society matrons. I serve on as many Boards as I can. I even get to wear formals and chic clothes all the time. And I'm not a dog. It's just that I'm in my professional persona as you told me, and that's not appealing to men. I mean picture me getting a 200-person event rolling, giving orders, dealing with the media. That's intimidating, and also not conducive to normal conversation. If I couldn't find a man that way, what about the woman who's buried in an accounting department all day and then goes to SCUBA lessons on the weekends? Now I see the advantages of the Internet. Just need to get my profile in shape. Can you help?

Sandra's story should be written on the Internet dating sites as an ad. Out all the time, dressed to the hilt, competent and beautiful ... and no dates.

The Internet is the primary way to meet the man of your dreams ... IF you kow what you'redoing, and I can show you how.

Let me help you:

• Choose a photo that works


• Stop writing the things that turn men off


• Write for men, not for other women


• Avoid the 5 words that men will eliminate you for immediately


• How to write a profile that represents who you are in a way men can relate to


• How to recognize and immediately eliminate the men you don't want

One-day seminar in Dallas in October. Write me for details. The dating scene really heats up at the holidays, so get yourself prepared. Get ready, get set, GO! Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .

When to Hold 'em and When to Fold 'em

When he ogles other women, it's a deal breaker

Steve Santagati, author of The Manual: A True Bad Boy Explains How Men Think, Date and Mate – and What Women Can Do to Come Out on Top (Crown, 2007), is getting a lot of press, and rightly so. This is a topic of concern to all us daters.

If you read my column or are one of my dating coach clients, you know that I suggest a slow period of getting to know the man or woman you're dating, and that you watch for certain signs carefully early on. One of them is ogling other women.

From today's mailbag:

I've had a couple of dates with this doctor who really rings my bells. He's a handsome Italian guy, owns a yacht, has a great profession, can talk about anything. The only thing that bothers me is the other day we went to the shore and he just got mesmerized over the teenagers in their bathing suits. I don't mean just a glance or two, I mean he was in another zone. In fact I got up and left at one point. Now am I over-reacting to this, like he said I was??? In all my dating years I've never had it happen, so I don't know where to put it. Can you help?

Yes, it's something you should be worried about. In fact to me, it's a deal-breaker. If this is how he is behaving early-on, imagine what it will be like later on. A GENTLEMAN simply does not do this. Yes, we know men are visual and they all like to look, but like you say, it's never happened to you before. Serious men, with serious intent, who are seriously interested YOU, give you their undivied attention.

Do we need confirmation from Santagati? Well here it is:

From the article about Santagati's book, "6 Reasons Why Men Cheat," written by Haynes on lifescript:

[Santagati] suggests you can find out more about a man's dating history by watching how he acts in a room full of gorgeous women....If you can't rein him in when the romance is new, you'll never control him down the road when your life together is more settled. "The first three months are critical," he says.

Writing your internet dating profile

"I'd like to date you, but please don't bring your pet boa constrictor along with you in the car."

Writing your Internet dating profile is one of the most important parts. Yes, a photo is essential, but we've all learned that looks aren't everything. The photo is like the introduction. Then you start the conversation.

Eleeta called me and asked for dating coaching. She said she was having trouble even getting an email. I asked to see her profile, and here it is:

[After her interests} ... If you're going to write me, please don't be a wife abuser, an alcoholic or one in recovery, addicted to anything, a control freak, uneducated, elitist, negative, filthy fingernails, someone who doesn't shave on the weekend, fat, on your second bypass, or someone who hates his mother. Also please have more than one "hobby." There's nothing more boring than someone who just lists "opera" for an interest. Also please skip the obvious stuff like movies,
eating out, cooking and travel. Who doesn't? Also I don't want to hear all about your job. That's what you do on your own time. Get it? If you don't 'get it' don't write me. And no winks or canned messages please.

OUCH! What man would even go near something like this?

I know how tempting it is once you start writing to get into the past stuff you didn't like. I once dated a guy who came over and spent an hour alphabetizing the cans in my pantry. (Could I have made that up?) Now when you read that, don't you wonder about ME more than you wonder about HIM.

I know all about this. It's tempting, but don't do it. It comes off like, "I'd like to date you but please don't bring your pet boa constrictor along in the car."

Let me coach you to success. sdunn@susandunn.cc

Russian Internet Dating Schemes

Russia: Internet Dating Schemes

Since I've been asked to present a seminar in another country, I've been perusing the latest from the State Department.

If you're looking for Russian bride (or groom) on the Internet, their site includes a cautionary tale. The Russian male or female you are corresponding with may immediately ask for money, or a credit card number. Often for a sick mother or relative.

Internet Dating Schemes: The U.S. Embassy receives reports almost
every day of fraud committed against U.S. citizens by Internet correspondents professing love and romantic interest. Typically, the correspondent asks the U.S. citizen to send money or credit card information for living expenses, travel expenses, or “visa costs.” The anonymity of the Internet means that the U.S. citizen cannot be sure of the real name, age, marital status, nationality, or gender of the correspondent. The U.S. Embassy has received many reports of citizens losing thousands of dollars through such scams.

American citizens are advised never to send money to anyone they have not met in person. Please see our flyer on Internet dating schemes

Email me, the Dating Coach, at sdunn@susandunn.cc . I'm here to help you make your dreams comes true, and help you avoid some misadventures on the way.

Act Like a Gentleman in Emails!

Gentlemen, gentleman, where are you manners?

Female clients send me copies of emails men on the Internet sites have sent them that make me blush. It's certainly not the way a gentleman would talk to a lady in person. They amount to the equivalent of an obscene phone call.

There's always been a problem with the Internet, in that some people tend to act differently hiding behind its anonymity.

Do I need to make a list of "don'ts"? Body parts, intimate acts, any locker room talk ... these belong in the locker room, not in an email to someone you are hoping to date.

And guys, it isn't really a turn-on to women to see your bare chest or to see weapons. Yes, I've seen men's profiles on dating sites where they are holding a bow an arrow, or rifle. and even one that was a closeup where the guy was holding two pistols pointed more or less at you. What was he thinking?

There are way too many photos where the guy just went into the bathroom, bare-chested, and photographed himself in the mirror. This is not attractive. A BATHROOM is not the place for a photograph, clothes are needed, there's always a flash reflection in the mirror and the angle is always off ... it just doesn't work.

Guys, be classy.

Get some coaching if you are in doubt, or if your profile and emails don't seem to be working. It can be a matter of a new and appropriate current photo, a turn of phrase, or eliminating a hobby you do alone that isn't alluring. You want to present yourself in the best light, and that means mind your manners! email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc . I'm here to help you find the partner of your dreams.