Monday, June 15, 2009

Dating: Looking for the Right Man

From the Dating Coach Mailbag:

Dear Dating Coach:

We were having a great time, and then I remember he reached over for the dessert we were sharing, and there was something about his hands. Not dirty, and no bitten nails, etc., I just knew I 'registered' something. I thought they were pretty and delicate, but at the same time, I don't like "pretty" or "delicate" hands on a man. What am I to make of this?

++++++++
This is interesting because I am reading Diamond's THE THIRD CHIMPANZEE where he spends a good bit of time talking about how we choose our mates.

Note that choosing a marital partner is much more of a choice than choosing a one--night-stand. In fact the chapter this is in is called How We Pick our Mates and Sex Partners. It is very important to know what you are doing -- Are you choosing a mate, or a sex partner is the first thing I ask clients>

First let me say that you, personally, in your choice of partner, are allowed to prefer what you prefer. In other words, there's a woman out there that would fallk instantly in love with this man BECAUSE OF those same hands that turn you off.

That's the wonder of love!

That having been said, in his book, Diamond cites scientific research where he uses words such as coefficients and significant. To unpack these terms, coefficients means the different things that influence something, and "significant" is a scientific terms meaning that the numbers show a difference. Yes, it arbitrary, but not as arbitrary as saying, "I (your personal opinion) think people choose mates according to the color of their eyes." "Correlation" means they relate, but be cautious about cause and effect. i.e., People eat more ice cream on hot days. The heat is more likely to cause the eating of ice cream than the ice cream to cause the day to be hot ... but with more complicated issue, people don't always see the line of causation properly! (I know you've experienced this misconception.)

FROM THE BOOK:
Coefficients for physical traits are on the average ... not so high as for personality traits ... or religion ... but still significantly higher than zero. For a few physical traits the correlation is even higher than 0.2 [which is the average overall for physical traits] -- e.g., an astonishing 0.61 for length of middle finger. At least unconsciously, people care more about their spouse's middle-finger length than about his or her hair color and intelligence!

I can't say I was conscious about this, but I sure am now. (Which is what Emotional Intelligence is about -- self-awareness.)

Something DEFINITELY REGISTERED when she stopped and took a look at his hands. And it was something negative.

Knowledge is power. Information is useful. Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc for dating coaching, and get ahead of the curve.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Search terms: dance, yoga, world traveler, Italian, sense of humor

Like you, I date. I date to meet someone, but when I do, I also am thinking about dating coaching.

I had a date with a gentleman the other day who had many fine things to offer. He was relaxed and a good conversationalist, except he kept returning to the topic dancing. Yes, I like to dance. Why did he keep bringing it up? It continued. I like to dance like I like music. Part of my life, so I rarely mention it. It seems a slapped-on appendage to this guy, and I also suspected he was a poor dancer, learning or ...

Then I looked on match.com today and here are the "popular searches" they list for this week:

dance
yoga
world traveler
Italian
sense of humor
romantic
vegetarian

I got the IDEA that this guy "had read somewhere that women like..."

The Dating Coach says: Be yourself. If you've read something men (or women) like, and then try and work it into the conversation at regular intervals, it will seem that:

You read it somewhere and have a list, and are performing
That it's your obsession, the only hobby (interest) you have
Fakey
Stilted

Need I say more?

As to the "Italian" on there, my field is multicultural. Italian men are very attractive to US women. Not just for the most obvious reason.

Want to learn more? Dating Coaching available. Long-distance, on-site in the D. C. area. Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc . I have several incentive programs. One of them will fit your needs.