What the science of human nature can teach us: newyorker.com

This could be the most important article you read this year about dating, emotional intelligence, relationships, sex, partnering, marriage and success.

What the science of human nature can teach us: newyorker.com

Dating During Rutting Season

RULES OF DATING

Okay, I really don't know for sure when rutting season is, besides being in the fall, for deer at any rate. How do I know this? I had a date the other night and, being new to the D. C. area, I commented to my date, a long-term resident of the area, that I had seen a dead deer beside the road every day for several weeks.

"It's rutting season," he said. With that sort of pause that means, well, you know.

But my clients, and the general level of activity tells me that it IS human rutting season. First of all, more babies are born in September than any other time of year and yes, folks, that's 9 months away. Get it? It's a cold and lonely time of year. It's dark and some of us suffer from SAD (seasonal affective disorder). We have a post-Christmas let down. We suffer from holiday expectations that weren't met - that gift we didn't get, the family get-together that was more like a free-for-all. And the days get cold and dark so fast.

So, yes, it's a time when dating online really picks up.

Men are hard-wired to take action on an emotion, i.e., if they feel bad, they do something to make that go away, and to feel good. this translates to -- If you're lonely - get a date.

Ladies, here are some tips for taking advantage of this time of year and of NOT being TAKEN advantage of this time of year. Most of these apply year 'round, it's just that there's more activity this time of year.

-- Don't read ANYTHING into anything a man says. If he says, "You're the most beautiful woman I've met on match.com," just say, "Thank you" or "Pass the salt please."
-- Actions speak louder than words where men are concerned. Pay attention to a man's behavior and actions, not so much to what he says. Remember, for instance, that if he cares about you and wants to see you, he will MAKE time. We're all "too busy." Unless, of course, it means something to us. Would you ever be "too busy" to go pick up your $1,000,000 lottery check?
-- More than ever during this season, take your time. It is up to the woman to pace the relationship. Do not let the guy get ahead of himself, or try to overwhelm you.
-- Rehearse over and over, "I'm not comfortable with..." It's the nice way to say "no." The pressure will increase this time of year. So practice your responses ahead of time. (Get some coaching if you need some tips on this.)
-- Make some extra time for dating this time of year, because the guys are out there beating the bushes. If you can clear your schedule for some more dating time, you'll enjoy the benefits. It's a good time to meet people.
-- Check out things that you can, i.e., you can visit the man's profile on the Internet and see what's going on. If he's been putting the mash on you, and you go to his profile and see "Active within the last 24 hours" - get a clue.
-- Until a man has demonstrated his sincere interest by actions, and has specifically asked you for an exclusive relationship, keep on dating. It will help you have a clear head.
-- If you catch yourself with a spinning head, call for some coaching, or talk to a friend. You don't want to miss all the action, but it can be overwhelming. dating coaching can help you manage it all better, for the best possible outcomes.
-- Don't ask a man out. Don't 'wink' first. Don't reply to 'winks'. Remember -- the rules of courtship are hard-wired. The man is the pursuer and do the work, and it's got to be more than a "wink".
-- Resist any urges to plan the date, if asked to. He might say he's too busy. First of all, what is he too busy with? Other dates? Secondly, that's his job. Remember - the rules of courtship are hard-wired.

Here's a special tip. Work with a team-mate or better yet, a coach. I have helped women with this. (I'm on the dating sites to learn more, and also to date.) One client was getting some real heavy-duty stuff from a guy online, and somehow smelled a rat. I contacted the guy, and guess what? I got back the exact same email he had written to her. Yes, guys do that. No, you don't want to engage with such a man.

And while we're at it, hone up on your ability to "smell a rat," to "look in the horse's mouth." Dating coaching can really help you learn to eliminate a lot of propblems by helping you understand your intuition. It's our best guide. It is often confused with fantasy, and wishful thinking, so let me help you learn the difference. It can save you a lot of grief.

If you aren't getting much action from your profile, please contact me for some dating coaching. I can help you build a better profile, and one that gets the kind of results that you want.

Deal Breakers when Dating Online

Dating online is really an art. First let me say that I think it's the best thing since sliced bread. It allows you to swing a wide net, to have an idea of what someone is like before you meet with them, and to see how you blend on important items like wanting kids, smoking, and religious beliefs.

It's very important how you write your online profile. Oddly enough, the number one faux pas seems to be bad grammar and typos.

Another sure looser tactic is to write about what you don't want. Read this and process how you feel (actual profile written by a woman):

Please don't contact me if yu're an addict, a player, or a liar. I've already had too much of that in my life. Also if you can't hold a job or are bankrupt, I don't want to hear from you. And you'd better be willing to be faithful if we get involved. Cheaters have already broken my heart.

I don't know about you, but when I read that I thought, goodness who has this woman been attracting? Why on earth such a litany? Who has she been hanging out with? I think she's got too much baggage to deal with.

Let's just say it raises suspicions about her ability to date intelligently and even to maintain a good relationship.

Even stating the opposite has the same effect, i.e., I want someone who won't lie, won't have affairs on me, and won't beat me.

It's like the "Have you quit beating your wife?"

Let's stay positive when we write our profiles. If you need help writing a good profile, contact me for dating coaching.

Photos Not to Post on your Dating Profile

PHOTOS ON YOUR DATING PROFILE

Let's talk a moment about what kind of photos you want to put on your dating profile. Guys seem to be the worst offenders in this are, so let's start with photos on your dating profile that are not going to attract a woman to want to date you. Or maybe even to MEET you.

1. I think I can safely say (from interviewing thousands of women) that the #1 turnoff is the photo where you stand in the BATHROOM and take a photo of yourself with your SHIRT OFF and your CELL PHONE SHOWING IN THE PHOTO. What are you thinking? Usually the photo is - well, like a photo you take of yourself in the bathroom. Secondly, consider the connotations - which might include (1) you don't even have a friend who can photograph you? (2) I could wait a year before I wanted to see you in the bathroom; (3) No matter how good your pecs are, it just smacks of narcisissm, not to mention poor taste. I would say "if you must, at least make sure your bathroom looks appealing," except that there's no such thing. Save it.

2. Photos like the one above. It is a good photograph, I'll grant that (and there's something to be said for a man whose a great photographer), but ... somehow I can't really put this in to words. I suppose it means you like to fish. Ladies, if you love to fish, raise your hands. One, two ... Then, somehow this photo lacks what would come with a photo of you on a boat with a marlin or something.
The point is -- think of the connotations.

COMMENTS FROM DATING COACHING CLIENTS:

"If he wants to show me he's a good provider, he could put a big fish on there, or even a deer."

"Huh?"

"I guess he wants us to know he takes a good photograph. I'm not interested much in a man who takes good photographs."

"I like good photos and that, but hey, that's a dead, limp fish."

"LOL"

3. More generally, photos of your game and kill. I've seen photos of a deer hanging, a man in the field in his camou-gear. Worst are the ones (like the above) where just the kill is shown. After that, you with your gun/knife/rod AND the hunt. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm one of those that doesn't mind a guy hunting. Hey, I'm from Texas. But ... would you like to see a photo on my profile of me bowling. Or knitting. Or rocking a baby. These are hobbies. Things I like to do. But is my potential date quite interested in that yet?

To sum it up so far -- no kill, road or others. No bathroom scenes. And actually, most women don't care to see the naked torso on a profile.

Again, think of the connotations. You are putting on there something you love, but you aren't stopping to think what would be appealing to the woman, and that is like a metaphor. It's rather egocentric. And that's not exactly what we're after on our dating profiles.

Let me help you write a profile that will present you well, and help you choose photos that will help you sell yourself in a good light.

4. Tons of art photos. I visited one profile that had no less than 20 great, beautiful photos of nature. Another where the man's hobby wad evidentally bird-watching and there were a ton of bird photos on there. This is a matter of degree. Sure I like to know that a man's a great photographer, because it's one of my hobbies and like-attracts-like, BUT ... one or two would be enough. Also there's the problem that we don't know if it was YOU who took the photo. As i say above, I think it's neat when a guy's a great photographer, and even an appreciator of art, but that isn't explained. I like the Mona Lisa, and I took a great photo of the Mona Lisa when I was at the Louvres, but I don't put my photo of it on my profile.

5. Photos of you with another chick unless it's obviously your mother or daughter. And even then ... We try and screen out players. Help us out here.

6. Lastly, and the online dating sites do a good job of screening these, ladies don't like to see anything too suggestive. Let me sum this up for you -- people like to make money. If there were any money in porno sites for women there would be a ton of them. There aren't. Get it?

What you want is a small selection of great photos of yourself, or your art photos, that tell us who you are and what you're like, but that don't overdo it in any direction.

It's a good idea to let me critique your profile writeup and photos for you. You want to put your best foot forward.

Meeting Organically vs. The Other Ways

The question was raised recently - what's the best way to meet someone?

For one thing, I think this varies depending on the area of the country and the place where you live. In some places, there are known areas where singles can go and meet others like themselves. In other places, such as the D. C. area, it appears to be easier to meet people online. Just to begin with - finding other singles.

Now which works better for you? I think if you just SEE someone and they appeal to you, this is likely to be physical attraction alone. However, it seems to work very well when you meet someone in a context, such as through a Board you are both on, at work (always tricky though), or church. Then you get to know their personality, not just how they look.

Getting to know someone online, you already know some important things about the person, and these are generally things you wouldn't necessarily know from working with them, or being on a Board with them.

Let's face it, people meet in the most amazing ways. And it happens all the time. But those are chance things. I think there's something to be said for taking action, joining on online dating site, and letting the Universe know that you are interested.

If you need tips on how to screen online folks, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc . A few trips around the block and I can tell you what signs to look for, who to delete right away (and why), and how to proceed. For instance, you want to move it rather rapidly from email to phone to in-person.

Dating online is probably the best way to meet people in the D. C. area where people work long hours, the commutes are long, and, well, it's the style.

Does it work for friends to fix you up -- or family. Most of the people I coach, say "no." Friends are always trying to help friends out in this area, but it's amazing - oh let me say sometimes really awful - to find out who your friends think might be a good date for you. You begin to wonder "What on earth?"

Yes, it works best for you to get out there and take action on your own behalf, because YOU KNOW BEST about what you want. If you need help clarifying this, please call me for coaching. "I like blonds" is not going to get you the life partner you want.

P.S. From what I hear from my many clients, as a dating coach, I would say the least likely way to meet viable candidates is through a match-making service.

Results of the Latest Dating Survey

SUSAN DUNN DATING COACH

I met tonight with a group to talk about dating. I do this often to keep my pulse on what's going on. Call it a "focus group."

The topic tonight was "What's a deal-breaker for you?"

Well, as with everything else about dating, everyone had a different MAJOR deal-breaker. The things mentioned were "apalling" to the person mentioning them, but seemed "ho hum" to the others. Of course we eliminated things like in-house arrest, sex offender,

There were some minor offenses people mentioned that turned them off. Among them were:
- Sounding desperate
- Too many exclamation points!!!
- Contrived phrases
- When it sounded like you'd had someone write your profile (there are certain phrases those canned writers supply that we all recognize, and that's why I recommend you use my services. Your profile will be unique to you and written for you by me, personally, with your input, of course)
- Bad gramer and spling
- Inappropriate emphasis on sex, money, or God
- A man who writes his daughter is everything to him
- References to being 'in recovery' about anything
- Indications of baggage that was debilitating (even though denied)

There was no consensus on anything physical such as color of hair, height, lack of hair, body size, or degree of 'good' looks. In fact it was obvious that in the physical category "one man's meat is another man's poison."

The absolute deal breaker was when they found out a person had lied. There was much consensus that men lied about their height and women, about their weight.

We agreed it was silly to lie, that you would be found out sooner or later, but still it goes on.

LET ME HELP YOU WRITE A PROFILE THAT SELLS. That's what it's all about, and we want you to have success in 2011. When you finally find the one that's right for you, it's all worthwhile.



There was only one deal-breaker that was agreed

Dating is Worth It

If you haven't tried, you haven't lived.
People tell me all the time that it's too hard these days, it takes too much work, the rejection gets to be too much, there isn't any true love out there.

This is nonsense!

Yes, it's confusing, it's hard work, it requires committment and effort, but yes, too, it's worth whatever it takes. The fact that it IS hard, is why I'm here. Let me show you the ropes, spoof up your profile, heklp you get the right photo, choose the right online sites for you to join, encourage you when it seems impossible and celebrate with you when it finally qoeka out.

And remember this -- it's 100% rejection until it works out, and that applies to 100% of daters. So, you aren't alone. You especially aren't alone if you let me be your Dating Coach.

Take a look at this great video clip, and refresh your energy and committment to find that one special person for yourself.

Let Susan Dunn the Dating Coach, help you.


Susan Dunn is the DC Dating Coach.
Available for coaching by phone nationally and internationally. Susan Dunn has been the dating coach for hundreds of successful daters. Susan has coached singles of all ages - dating over 50 is one specialty. Email Susan Dunn the Dating Coach at sdunn@susandunn.cc .

DC Dating Coach

Looking for the key to successful dating?

SUSAN DUNN, DC DATING COACH for men and women in the D. C. area.

I moved to the D. C. area about a year ago, and what a culture shock. The lifestyle here is as daunting as I was told it would me. Some clients I had worked with previously from D. C. (via telephone which is how I do over 50% of my coaching, nationally and internationally) would sometimes claim they were going to give up on dating, saying, "I don't have time for a relationship."

NOW, THE DATING COACH DOESN'T LIKE TO HEAR THAT!

THE PLACE OF WORK IN YOUR LIFE
Work is necessary, work is rewarding, work puts bread on the table and a roof over your head, work stimulates your mind, work is good and noble, work can bring you respect, work can raise your self-esteem, work allows for a certain type of socialising, work is intelectually challenging and satisfying, at best work can be a mission or a passion ....

BUT WHAT IS MISSING HERE?

Man does not live by bread alone. Nor does woman.

THE PLACE OF A RELATIONSHIP IN YOUR LIFE
A special relationship in your life is what makes your life worthwhile. Inter-dependency with a loving other is the way it's supposed to be. It also happens to be vital to your HEALTH -- and this applies even more to MEN than it does to women.

Isolation is harder on your health (say studies) than smoking, obesity and high blood pressure COMBINED. You know that, because you know it feels bad. And by "isolation" they mean emotional connection with people, not just clubbing, networking, or being in a room full of people.

Let me help you with the complexities of today's dating. Susan Dunn the DC Dating Coach is here to help. And if there is ANY area that needs to understand and use online dating, it's in the D. C. area. I have worked with people all over the world with telephone coaching. I am also available to meet with you in-person, having offices in Chevy Chase, Md. and Manassas, Va. Sessions also can be arranged at your place of work, home, or location such as restaurant or Starbucks.



Dating Coaching is at YOUR convenience. There is never a contract; we work session-to-session until you reach success.

TODAY'S TIP: According to match.com, which is probably the most successful and highly-used website (particularly for folks in the D. C. area) -- messages under 30 words and over 300 words will get you deleted. So, make those return emails between 30 and 300 words.

Let me help you with your profile, wording responses, pacing the relationship, figuring out the other person, and the whole dating scene.

TODAY'S GOOD NEWS: Client Sandra, a 65 year old female who lives in Bethesda, just had 6 dates in a row with 6 different men.

So, yes, you can do it.

This happens to be what I call "rutting season" for the males, so ladies, don't miss this current timeframe. Call me at 817-734-1471 or email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc for dating coaching. And guys -- the competition is coming on strong. Let me help you stand out from the crowd. I have clients all over the country, and all ages.

Make your New Year's Resolution to get a dating coach, get a date, and get yourself into a meaningful, fun, and fulfilling relationship for the New Year.

HAPPY NEW YEAR.