Sunday, September 26, 2010

There is no such thing as safe sex


As a Dating Coach, I keep up on the Internet dating sites as well as things around town.

IN VOGUE (from the guys): "Friends first"
TRANSLATION: Ladies, I will say this over and over again. It is the MEN who cannot handle sex too soon. Despite that they will ALWAYS accept it if offered. I have heard of so many good relationships, potential-marriage relationships that were ruined because sex came too soon and the man felt "in over my head" or "out of control." (Yes, ladies, I know -- you'd think that would be the once-in-a-lifetime they would LOOK for. Not.)

TRANSLATION: This is when (they tell me) they start having car accidents, double-booking clients, forgetting important meetings, CANCELING important meetings, losing track of time, getting SICK (that's a big sign).

Ladies, it is up to YOU to CONTROL THE PACE OF THE RELATIONSHIP. And it is to yur advantage to do so.

A good time frame to allow sex into the relationship? 3 months is a "rule of thumb," but that can be too soon for some men. Use your feminine intuition. (Let me help you hone yours. It's part of emotional intelligence and can be learned.)

Men need time to ANALYZE what is going on. It is HARD-WIRED that they have to pay attention and be alert at all times, and sex, well you know -- I think it's safe to say what I read on a teen blog the other day:

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS SAFE SEX. ALL SEX IS DANGEROUS.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Dating after 50

Need singles over 50 who are dating to interview for new book. Please email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc to set up interview time. Can be by phone or email. can be anonymous if you like. But you have information we need to know that can help everyone who's over 50 and sating.

the divorce rate for second marriages is astronomical. It is what is inflating the USS divorce rate (over 50%). The vast majority of this is SECOND MARRIAGES. Yet no one wants to live alone.

We want to interview people who are OVER 50 AND DATING. Please email us at sdunn@susandunn.cc

You know this is hard, I know it's hard. You either have no experience - being newly divorced or newly widowed, or you don't ask out/get asked out enough to gain experience. So, in response to desperate need, I'm co-authoring a book on Dating After 50. It will give our the rules AND the strategy. We'll help you figure out what he means when he says, or she says -- some of our favorites:

I don't need a LTR (Is that code for "just want sex"?)
Let's be friends first and see what happens (Is that code for I really just want sex but I'll sneak it up on you. To us, "friends" and "dates" are totally different animals.)
No druggies, liars, cheats, philanderers. (Is that code for I have attracted and lived with loser my whole life and I'm never going to change?)
I nedz nice woman date fr lifetime. (Is this code for an illiterate person?)
I'm a curmudgeon but I was lucky enough to have a wife who could love me in spite of this. (Is this code for - I have a nasty disposition but since I make good money I was able to get some poor woman to marry me. I pride myself in being unpleasant and my negativity will probably kill you like it did my first wife?)
The real reason I divorced her is that she beat me and she beat the kids. (Is that code for -- I like to be beaten and I'll induce you to beat me too?)

Send us your examples and what they turned out to mean in real life. If you would consent to be interviewed anonymously please email us at sdunn@susandunn.cc . We ALL need this information DESPERATELY.

Thank you and Happy Dating.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

The High EQ Way to Choose the Right Man for You

The HIGH EQ Way to Choose the Right Man for You
Take a look inside him. Ask yourself these questions.

1. What's his EQ? Did you know you can measure it? Since your relationship depends upon your interpersonal skills, it would be smart if you both took the EQ-Map© and then worked with an EQ coach on areas needed. EQ can be learned. Go here - http://tinyurl.com/z94t .

2.Does he have deficits in the limbic brain? This is about eye contact, oxytocin, bonding, parenting, affection, using the word 'we'. If all you're getting is reptilian (sex ) and neocortex (intellectual), why give up good closet space when a Rampant Rabbit and Wikipedia would do?

3.How's the left- right brain balance? Talking to someone who's all left-brain is like getting facts from a machine. Talking to someone who's all right-brain ' they may not be organized enough to show up for the talk!

4.How 'male' brained is he? According to Simon Baron-Cohen ( http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0738208442/susandunnmome-2 0 ), the extreme male brain is good at systematizing, and low on empathy. It takes the average male 7 times longer to process emotional information than for a woman to. What if it takes him 70 times longer? What if he can't get there at all?

5. How does he manage his anger? You need to experience this. Don't make a decision until you've had your first big fight. Make sure you both trust yourselves and the relationship enough to be able to disagree openly and come to a resolution.

6.Will he be there for you? As Oriah Mountain Dream says, will he 'stand in the middle of the fire with [you] and not shrink back?' It's a sign of maturity and character to be able to stand and deliver when you feel like running.

7.Can he be faithful? This isn't a philosophical issue. If it happens to you, it can hit you in the gut.

Male infidelity may be intellectually defensible, but emotionally it destroys the covenant of the relationship the way the radioactive contamination from a nuclear bomb destroys vegetation. It won't be coming back in your lifetime, and without it, there is no relationship.

8.Does he know enough is enough? One should never use more force than is necessary. Can he think before he speaks and then deliver just the right amount. And no more. It shows empathy, self-confidence, and self-control. This means resisting all urges to deliver the big one-two he knows would really really hurt you in a verbal argument.

9.Do you laugh together? If there's anything you can count on to get you through the long haul, it's a sense of humor. Wit gets bonus points with me. It can be used in public, and can save your marriage on a 6-hour car trip with a carsick kid and a broken air-conditioner. Silliness -- now that's the sign of true lovers.

10.Does he say nice things to you about you and the relationship? The formula is 3 positive things for each negative thing. Does he do this? Is he willing to learn?

About the author: ©Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Coaching, Internet courses and ebooks on relationships, emotional intelligence, career, transitions, retirement.

Susan is the author of 'Midlife Dating Survival Manual for Women," available here: http://www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html , the best ebook library on the Internet.

For FREE EQ ezine, mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc and put 'ezine' for subject line.

Dating, Hugs and Oxytocin

There's nothing like moving somehwere to get a new perspective on things. It's like vacations. My grandmother used to tell me, "Every now and then you need to get away. When you're 'away' you will look at all your problems like you were way up on the moon, and they were far, far away."

Well, not surprisingly, here in the D. C. area, things are "cooler" than they were in hot, hot San Antonio, and I'm not just talking about the weather here. As I wrote earlier, a man who has lived here quite a while, but also a transplant, told me 'The women here don't look you in the eye. They look everywhere else.' You also don't see a lot of physical contact, and, for instance, the distance between people when you stand in line, like at Starbucks (proximity) is much greater.

The same goes for other modes of nonverbal expression, like hugs, which I decided to write about today, because it's mentioned so much. I was prompted to by watching a video touting the release of oxytocin that you get from a 20 SECOND HUG, which I think might be called holding someone, or being held. 20 seconds is a very long time for a "social hug." That having been said, what I wanted to add here is that only in an area like D.C. could there be a radio show like "Delila" which is on the popular station at night. It is THE most touchy-feely radio show you can imagine, with people invited to call in and talk about their love - lost, current, unrequited, etc. and anything else emotional. People call in who have lost a spouse, are having trouble with their neighbors, have witnessed child abuse and want to know what to do about it, are grieving a job, etc. Delila comments and then plays them a song she chooses as appropriate. She also gives advice to the lovelorn. All this in Washington, D. C. and ... no one ever owns up to listening to it. Since I meet with clients a good bit at night (for their convenience) I hear it often. It is always soothing.

Okay -- let's take a look at hugs.

Oxytocin is a hormone that relaxes blood pressure and cortisol levels, increases pain thresholds, reduces anxiety, and stimulates various types of positive social interation. It also promotes growth and healing. It is best-known as the lactating hormone, but it's around and released in other ways, particularly hugging.

OK, it's released with orgasm too, but particularly when there is DEEP EMOTIONAL CONNECTION, i.e., the difference between "having sex" and "making love."
It plays an important role in stress and pain. Repeated exposure to oxytocin produces long-lasting effects by influencing the activity of other transmitter systems. Oxytocin can be released by various types of sensory stimulation, for example by touch and warmth, light, sounds (music), massage, hugs, sex and the ingestion of food.

This is one explanation for why positive interaction involving touch and psychological support, such as therapy, coaching, etc. can be so beneficial. You can see here as well why ISOLATION is harder on the health than obesity, blood pressure and smoking COMBINED. And why it's so important to have good emotional intelligence -- so you can have lots of great relationships. (Call me for coaching!)

How It Works

If you've read my ezines and/or taken the Emotional Intelligence course, you know all about the amygdala, and this figures in here.

Oxytocin suppresses the activity of the amygdala, which processes fear and communicates it to the rest of the brain, controls fear and anxiety, and detects threat stimuli and links them to defensive behaviors via the brain stem and hypothalamic structures, which organize fear responses. Oxytocin tempers the excitatory inputs into the amygdala.

This is why we say, when we're falling in love, "I feel safe."

You can see how beneficial this all is. I'm sure, too, you can recognize people whose amygdala is set just a bit too high. Where everything seems like a threat to them.

So get out there and give and get your hugs, and getcha some!

Dating outside your culture

How do you choose a compatible mate?

I'm often asked about dating outside your culture (ethic group, etc.) This is tricky, as you know, or you wouldn't be asking. According to the Icerberg Theory of Culture, many things about cultured are deeply ingrained, but also 9/10ths of culture is our of conscious awareness.

Recall that the major precept of Emotional Intelligence is self-awareness. This means becoming conscious of many things, including what your "culture" is, what it dictates, and how much you are willing to bend.

Above the water, in the Iceberg theory are:
Fine Arts
Literature
Drama
Classical Music
Folk Dancing
Games
Cooking
Notions of Modesty
Conceptions of Beaty

Therefore, as we have said before, a great CLUE as to who you might get along with, is their taste in music.

However, below the surface are a myriad of things, including "Courtship Practices". Others are

Conversational patterns in various sdocial contexts
Netions of adolescense
Body language
Ordering of time
Facial expressions
Arrangements of physical space
Patterns of handling emotions
Preference for Competition or Cooperation
Ideals of governing
Child raising
Rules of descent
Relationship to animals
Cosmology
Patterns of Superior/Subordinate Behavior
Definitions of sin
Incentives to work
Notions of leadership
Tempo of work
THEORY OF DISEASE
Patterns of Group Decision-Making
Conception of Cleanliness
Concepton of Status Mobility
Approaches to problem-solving
Eye behavior
Conception of past and future

AND MUCH, MUCH MORE.

Check these out when you're dating. They are very important for compatibility.

Monday, September 6, 2010

What Turns Women Off

No bit surprises here, but eHarmony's list of top ten turnoffs for women is worth watching: http://advice.eharmony.com/?page=slideshows/view&slideshow=12&index=10

Wonder what actually turns MEN off? LOL.

Anyways, among this predictable list are lying, being mean, cheating, and cleanliness.

The basics.

Want to become a certified Dating Coach? I have trained and certified coaches all over the world. Core courses are on the Internet, and weekly phone call. Or come to D. C. for a weekend intensive.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

how do you get a man when you're over 60

DO YOU KNOW HOW TO LOOK IN THE HORSE'S MOUTH??

I get asked this a lot, and so I looked on the Internet! Here's an interesting article, and one thing it mentions, in passing, is that "some people" are afraid of the Internet. Please don't be. But wait, let me interject here that I asked for "get" and what I got was "meet." Ah yes, well that's the very first step.

Anyways, if you're not into the Internet and you're of the older generation, that's a great first step for you. There are tons of older men looking for a woman, and you can meet many through the Internet. I am looking for a relationship, I use the Internet and I have never met any but the nicest guys. It's probably because I really know how to filter them. So let me know if you need help on this. There are many listed safety rules, but the first one is -- okay lets use an EQ term -- being able to look in the horse's mouth. Some of the things that help me make the decision of whether to meet a man for coffee or a drinki are:

1. His profile photos - does he look degenerate (if you need that defined, call me)
2. How he makes contact. People who are weird are weird and they don't know it and they can't help being that way, so you'll get it right in your face.
3. Photos they may send. Like I said, I'm big on the Internet, and I just got a friend-request on fb from a guy whose photo was strictly of him in a speedo bikini, and just that area in the photo. That's an immediate delete in my book. Might be your cup of tea. The thing is -- he is putting it right out there. So PAY ATTENTION.
4. Agree to meet somewhere public for the first time. That just makes sense. Drive your own car.
5. Pay attention to early emails. If he says things you don't like, eliminate him. Men tend to put it right out there, as I'm said. If he wants FWB and you're into that, go for it. Just know what you're getting into. If you don't know what that means, call me for coaching.
6. Just observe ordinary safety precautions - meet in a clean, well-lighted place. Take your own car. Have you cell phone handy. If it smells bad, it is, so get up and leave. I've done that. I figured I was just saving us both time.

For more tips on dating after 50, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc or contract for some coaching. You won't regret it. I'm in this business and I know much older men suffer from being alone. Nobody knows how to meet eligible people, so you be the one who does!

The Role of Attraction


Attraction plays such a major role in our dating. This is particularly difficult to handle if you're dating after a divorce. You are likely to be attracted to the same sort of individual, and yet are still full of all the negatives about the ex. After all, opposites attract and then repel.

In their book "It's Actually Your Parents Fault," the authors give you two solutions. Marry someone you aren't that attracted to, or change your personality.

I would phrase this another way. You are likely to be attracted to the same type all your life -- men more than women do this. And intellectually you know its because that other person has traits you admire, wish you had, etc. Then they get irritating, because ... because YOU DON'T HAVE THEM. The neatnik married the free spirit, and the games begin.

But it's the game it's about. I would be sad, I think to marry someone you "aren't that attracted to," because then there won't be that bond that binds.

And changing your personality is not in my vernacular. Lets look at it as becoming jore self-aware, raising your emotional intelligence and your relationship skills. Intellectually you know you love him because you're emotional and tend to worry, and he's solid like a rock. So don't forget that when the fighting starts! You married him BECAUSE OF those things. Use them. Learn how to work with them.

P.S. And help your OTHER remember, always, why he fell in love with you in the first place.

For dating coaching, call me at 817-734-1471. Offices in Manassas, Va and Chevy Chase, Md.

Friday, September 3, 2010

If you keep dating the wrong people: A Cautionary Tale

When the 2 wrong people get together - from "Actually It Is Your Parents Fault," a book by Munching and Katz. A great book I recommend you read if you keep having dysfunctional relationships.

Suicide via Psychiatrist .. or taking justice into your own hands

Sounds like something out of one of those 58 spin-offs of LAW & ORDER, I know, but it's true: a court-appointed psychiatrist, Manuel Poggi, spent 4 days giving a suspected murderer named Diaz a battery of tests, and then took his own belt and strangled Diaz, who didn't resist. "I had to do it for the good of society," Poggi told a news conference held in the police precinct where he'd committed the crime. "The hour had come to apply justice," he said. Poggie told reporters he'd been driven by frustration into killing Diaz, suspected in 8 grizzly murders, whom he described as "a monster of superior intelligence."

Ironically, there were police officers right outside the room where Poggi and Diaz were talking, put there by the head of the police homicide division, for Poggi's protection. The fact that Diaz didn't call out or try to make some noise that would alert the guards convinced at least one police official that Diaz had actually induced Poggi to murder him. In other words, the officvial believed that Diaz had committed suicide-by-psychiatrist.

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Take a look/feel at how "inducable" you are. And how you may be inducing others to do things. This is the SELF-AWARENESS we talk about in emotional intelligence. In fact it is the CORNERSTONE of emotional intelligence.
For coaching, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc