From the email bag:
Dear Dating Coach:__________________________
This guy picked me up for a date. I have a room-mate and he picked me up at my place. We went out for the date. To me, he didn't act like a man. We went to the first place and they said there was a wait. So he just left. The next place they said there was a wait. He turned and stared at me. I said, let's sit down and have a drink. I mean he's retired and I guess does nothing all day but I was tired and not in the mood to walk a mall. The dinner table conversation went okay. Then when he drove me back home, he just stopped in the middle of the street in front of my house and said, "well good night."
THEN he had the nerve to call the next day and ask what went wrong.
I didn't think it was worth my time but I said "Well for starters you just dumped me out in the middle of the street."
He said, "Well I thought you should've asked me in."
I said, "Well I don't ask men in my house."
Who's right and who's wrong?
Well, this is classic. Who's right and who's wrong? Well the two of you just don't get along, how's that? Sounds like from the get-go. Please remember, it isn't supposed to be HARD with a man you like, it's supposed to be easy. Like you generally drift along on the manners-things. Here are some examples:
You're the kind who expects the doors to be opened, and he opens them.
You expect to be asked in advance to a nice place, and he calls you Weds. to take you out Sat. to a good restaurant
You're the kind who hates formality. He asks you to have coffee with him at a Starbuck's.
You like rap and he's got it on his car radio. Loud, the way you like it.
You like to sit next to the man in a restaurant and that's where he sits.
Many of these things seem subtle, but in actuality, they are non-negotiables. As the poet said, You fall in love with his chest, the tilt of her eyebrow, something about the way she folds her hands, the way he looks when you talk about something emotional.
You FAIL to fall in love for even smaller reasons. Trust me ... I get letters. When we are in love we talk like poets, but when we can't stand someone, it is small things, and direct, AND THEY DO NOT EVER CHANGE. It is things such as these that I've heard from clients:
He slurped his soup.
There was a stain on her blouse.
Her makeup looked like war paint.
Worse kiss I ever had.
She used swear words.
He didn't stand up when I left and came back to the table.
He stood up when I left and came back to the table.
Gentle Reader, I want you to notice the last two, because I hear stuff like this all the time. "One man's meat is another man's poison." For every woman who demands formal manners and behavior, there's another woman who can't stand "any of that stuff" and wants to meet at the 7-11 in her jeans and t-shirt.
Pay careful attention to how you feel with your date. It's the little things that get to you, and they will only get worse. If he speaks sharply to the waiter and you get a twinge on the second date, 6 months later it will be the deal breaker.
For DATING COACHING, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .
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