Getting over a Breakup at the Holidays

GETTING OVER A BREAKUP AT THE HOLIDAYS

"Feel those Feelings,"
Article by guest write Michael Myerscough

Lately I've had a run of clients having a very hard time getting over the end of a relationship. Coincidentally I'm also in the January edition of Psychologies magazine in an article called 'What becomes of the broken hearted?' Getting over a
relationship can be especially difficult as the holidays roll up so let me share some secrets with you about how to heal. If you're not dealing with a break up currently, but you know someone who is, maybe forwarding this ezine on will help them.

I have a client called Dorothy who's struggling to let go of a relationship with a guy who she'd initially thought was perfect for her. When we first started working together Dorothy was really angry and frustrated that yet again she was going to
have to re-build her love life. The one good thing about those feelings was that they removed any temptation to get straight back into dating.

The first step for any client I work with in this situation is to have them feel their feelings which is an essential part of the healing process. If you're already sick of feeling bad then feel free to skip to the next phase which I outline here:

http://www.therelationshipgym.com/how_to_get_over_a_break_up.htm

Some people really struggle with feeling certain feelings. Some of us are easier with anger, others with grief. Dorothy was more than comfortable with being angry but was very reluctant to admit that her anger was masking her feelings of hurt and
loneliness. Those feelings made her feel vulnerable in a way she resisted furiously. I encouraged her to explore all of her feelings by writing a 'Grief' letter to her ex.

To write your letter take the time to explore what you are going to miss and what you aren't going to miss. What are you angry about? What are you sad about? What do you fear this break up means? What was your part in the break up? What are you always going to love or appreciate about your ex?

This is referred to as a ladder of emotion and it's great to write your letter in the above order. Feel free to use those questions as headers. That said if you need to keep coming back to anger then please do and then work your way back up the ladder again. It's important that you realise that you are never going to send this letter, this way you can explore being totally unreasonable and maybe even, what would previously have been, unbearably open about just how hurt you feel.

Explore these questions in such a way that you can feel all the things you suspect may be true even if you'd rather they weren't. Write the letter as if you were writing it to someone who really cares about how you feel.

It's really important that you take time to do this. Every time you leave a relationship there is a danger that you will harden your heart due to the pain and disappointment. That hardening makes you less attractive and can begin to limit your ability to love.

If you do this properly you'll be able to reconnect with at least some of the love you felt for this person you've parted from. Not in a way that eats at you but in a way that nourishes your sense of having a life worth loving. If you've loved deeply once, then you can do it again. It takes work to keep your heart healthy and open but it's very valuable work.

This is the first step in a process that can take anywhere from days to months and it's a good solid first step. When Dorothy first began to be honest about how sad and lonely she felt she got scared about how overwhelming it felt. As if somehow she
could become lost in the feelings or she'd never feel good again. This process requires you to acknowledge that your feelings are not something to be afraid of. If you're feeling sad you are only sad. It doesn't necessarily mean there's something wrong with your life that must be fixed. Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to just acknowledge that you do feel sad.

The end of a relationship is often the death of something you found to be beautiful for a while. That said, no matter how big your grief is, you're going to get through it. You are far bigger than your worst feeling.

Two months on Dorothy has learned a lot about her self and one of her unexpected breakthroughs is that being alone at home no longer makes her feel like there's something wrong with her. Suddenly being alone isn't so scary and from this place she's in a much better position to think about who she'd actually like to make a part of her life. When it comes to Finding Mr. Right the first step is to clear up what's gone on in the past so you can be free of it. Feeling your feelings is the quickest route to healing and the only way out is through. Just remember that even your darkest minute is only 60 seconds long.

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Tips on getting over a breakup

For the next steps in healing a broken heart visit
http://www.therelationshipgym.com/how_to_get_over_a_break_up.htm

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© Copyright 2005 The Relationship Gym by Michael Myerscough. All Rights Reserved. May be freely copied and distributed as long as you include the following information: "By Michael Myerscough, professional speaker and relationship success
coach. Michael has lots of great tips, tools and articles on his website that you can use. Visit him at http://www.therelationshipgym.com/ and sign up for the fr*ee
relationship information. "

Susan Dunn's Communication Operating Principles for Dating

Comunication is essential to good dating. Here are my communication operating principles.

Favorite Communication Operating Principles
by Susan Dunn

Virginia Sapir, a psychologist and pioneer in family counseling, wrote: "Once a human being has arrived on this earth, communication is the largest single factor determining what kinds of relationships he makes with others and what happens to him in the world about him."

With this in mind, I present some my favorite Communication Operating Principals.

1. "In order to understand what another person is saying you must assume it is true and try to imagine what it could be true of."
~ George Miller ~

2. "The first law of communication is: Assume you have been misunderstood."
~ Source Unknown ~

3. "Men can take up to 7 hours longer [than women] to process complex emotive data. [They] will not know what they feel at the moment of feeling and will take longer to figure it out. [They] may not be able to put their feelings in words - if they choose a verbal strategy at all."
~Michael Gurian, author of "What Could He Be Thinking" ~

4. "Verbal confrontation is as natural to men as walking or breathing, and as unconscious."
~ Suzette Haden Elgin, author of "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense" ~

5. "There is a libraryful of research to indicate that logic is almost useless as a way of convincing people of anything."
~ Suzette Haden Elgin ~

6. "Never use Hedges ('I know you'd never let me, but . '). They are exactly equivalent to wearing a big sign that say 'Please kick me - I would love to be a victim.'"
~ Suzette Haden Elgin ~

7. "If a man truly wants to communicate with his wife, he must enter her world of emotions."
~ Gary Smalley ~

8. "For parlor use, the vague generality is a life saver."
~ George Ade ~

9. "The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said."
~ Peter Drucker ~

10. "Sympathetic people often don't communicate well. They * back reflected images which hide their own depths."
~ George Eliot ~

11. "If you can always be taken by surprise because you have no idea what verbal aggression is or how to spot it, you are an ideal target."
~ Suzette Haden Elgin ~

12. "The genius of communication is the ability to be both totally honest and totally kind at the same time."
~ John Powell ~

Whether we're communicating at work, socially, or in an intimate relationship, and whether we're communicating thoughts or feelings, it's a strategy, a choice we make in an effort to accomplish something. And, it's good to remember - if you're there, you're communicating SOMETHING, whether you mean to or not.

Interpersonal skills are part of emotional intelligence and can be learned. Become aware of your communication style and work to improve it.

Dating? Beware the Holidays

Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc for Dating Coaching, or call 817-734-1471.

TAKING THE PULSE OUT THERE FOR THOSE OF US WHO ARE DATING

I have coached daters (men and women both) for decades and I want to give you a warning about this time of year -- between mid-November and Christmas.

On the one hand, single men will go into heat (as it were) and be beating the bushes for a woman, any woman. This is not a particularly 'discriminatory' time of the year. They are lonely. It's cold and they want to snuggle. It's the holidays and they want (as they call it to me) "that female energy" to give them the feeling of a home and all that other good stuff. (What stuff? Just look at the dwelling of the average bachelor ... it's soooooo sad.)

Here's the other thing that will happen. If your relationship is relatively new (let's say less than 6 months, or at least not 'tried and tested' and no ring has been put on it), one or the other of the couple is likely to break and run.

Why?

Just because everyone's stressors go up at this time of year, and (1) you might be overwhelmed and feel like the only thing you can dump is the relationship; or (2) you might just get anxious, stressed, and attribute it (arbitrarily) to "the relationsip."

So, what to do? First of all, knowledge is power. Expect the unexpected. Well here, let me make you a list.

THE TOP 10 THINGS TO EXPECT WHEN YOU'RE DATING AND IT'S "THE HOLIDAYS"

10. A totally inappropriate and disappointing Christmas gift -- and that includes no gift at all, and, worse than that - a ring, but not a diamond!!! (Come on guys - get a clue.)

9. Your SO will have trouble with the ex and/or the kids which will "ruin" the whole thing.

8. One or the other of you will get sick, I mean physically, and decide it's the fault of the relationship, and split.

7. You will each over-react to something you will later realize is inconsequential (or you'll realize it now, if you get Dating Coaching from me).

6. He or she won't invite you to a family gathering, which will hurt you deeply.

5. She will cry a lot.

4. He or she won't invite you to their Office Party and you will feel they are (1) ashamed to be seen with you at work, (2) not reall in to you; (4) secretly relieved but still a little worried.

3. She'll over-read every little thing you do and drive you nuts with, "Is something wrong?", "Are you mad at me?", "Are you going to break up with me?"

2. You will feel like leaving the planet, not just the relationship over things like what to invite him/her to (or not), what gift to buy (or not).

And the #1 thing to expect -- HE WILL TELL YOU HE NEEDS SPACE. (Did I need to tell you that?)

Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc for Dating Coaching, or call 817-734-1471.
I'm here to help.

When he says he wants to flatten the relationship

From today's emailbag:

My BF just emailed me (yeah, I know, wuss) that he wanted to "flatten" our relationship. I know wishful thinking can make a girl dense, but WTF? Does that mean FLATLINE it? Or what? Signed: A Blog Fan

Dear Blog Fan:

Uh oh. Well, I don't really know what it means either. Never heard it. Sounds like a modern-day version of "let's just be friends"??

Anyone out there know of this term? If so, let us know.

For Dating Coaching, call me at 817-734-1471, or email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc . It's a great investment in your Love Life. Sessions available in my D. C. office conveniently located on Pennsylvania Avenue.