When They Break Up with You

WHEN THEY BREAK UP WITH YOU -- STOP, LOOK AND LISTEN -- with your coach

One of the hardest things to deal with in life is when the one you love and want to marry, breaks up with you. They may ask for "space," or simply distance. Whatever it is, they pull out, and you can feel it.

What happens after that is what fellow dating coach Ed Banks calls getting "hijacked."

In emotional intelligence terms, "hijacked" means when the reptilian brain and limbic brain takeover. What do they "take over?" The thinking brain -- the one that could possibly get your ex back for you!

According to Lewis, Amini and Lannon, who wrote "A General Theory of Love," losing a loved one is a PHYSIOLOGICAL EVENT, and if you've gone through the breakup of a serious relationship, you know what this means, even if you don't know the fancy vocabulary.

You become obsessed with the person you loved. You can't think about anything else. You suffer - emotionally and physically. It's akin to torture. You can't eat, or you eat chocolate all day. YOu can't sleep, or you can't get out of bed. Everything reminds you of them, and how it felt to be with them, and how much you long to be with them again. Anger can flip-flop with fear, despair, and pain.

You think of what you can say to them to make them change their mind. You want to tell them you've changed. You want to know WHY, so you can FIX IT. You think about how good it was, and wonder why they didn't think so too. You are confused and devastated. And HIJACKED.

It can be hard to concentrate on work and essential duties. Some of the thousands of clients I've worked with, worldwide, even say they can't eat or sleep, and every day seems like a life sentence.

How do you work your way out of this? Please call for coaching, because you do NOT want to approach your "ex" (I know, just that word is painful) in this state. There are ways to get through ... and then ways to begin the re-approach that can work for you.

Email me for coaching and advice, sdunn@susandunn.cc .

I've been through this, you know people who have, I hope you are not, but if you are, then get some help with this. Or recommend my services to a friend who is suffering.

Meanwhile,
DO NOT:

Dial/text drunk
Threaten
Call their parent, sibling, best friend
Plead
Sleep with their best friend - vindictive, and just tacky - they'll never forgive you
Beg
Harass
Stalk - even MINI-stalking is bad
Wear out a friend -- get a coach instead
Start drinking/drugging and add a bigger problem to your initial problem
Try and argue logically or rationally with them -- this isn't a "rational" thing
Throw tantrums, scream and cry
Badger them
Show up where you know they'll be -- that bookstore on Sunday afternoon. Right now, they don't want to see you -- so don't.

Until you can work yourself out of this position, nothing is going to work.

Choosing a Marital Partner is like Finding X

Quote from client's mother:

"Marrying someone should be the easiest decision you ever make."

Agree? Disagree? let's hear from you.

How to Repel a Man faster than Raid on Bugs

YOU DID WHAT???
From today's emailbag:

"Geez, I thought I played this one right. I never once called him. I waited forever to reply to his emails and just sent snippets. I didn't sleep with him for months. I sometimes wasn't available when he wanted to go out. I made it as hard for him as I could cuz I was really crazy about him. I gave him one and only one phone number, though he asked for more, and tried to reach me via email and fb too. Then he did the "need space" s***. Said he wanted to stay in touch. Said he'd call, hasn't. Did I do something wrong??"

Puzzled

Dear Puzzled:

Okay, ante-up here. Did you drunk dial/txt?
Susan

Reply:

How did you know?

LADIES, this is the #1 thing to AVOID when he's gone off to get his space, or recover from how crazy he got in love with you, or whatever else he's doing. As Coastal Guy writes in his great little article -- PLEASE AVOID THE TEMPTATION TO DRUKNK-DIAL, DRUNK-TEXT. NO GOOD CAN COME OF IT. EVER. I'm putting that big and bold. We've all done it -- once. If you've done it, then you know. If you haven't, please take the word of those who have.

And it's the thing you want to do the most when you're in pain -- and yes, this is suffering - when you fell in love, and he fell off the planet. My best suggestion is get a Wing Buddy - and that's a coach. I have done this for many men and women. I will tell you how to avoid this drunk/---ing, and be there for you when you just must. (Can't tell you the drunk-dials I've taken, to save people from self-sabotaging.) So call me at 817-734-1471, or email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc and sign up for coaching. Long-distance is fine. If you're in the DC area, we can meet in my office.

Now some tips from this article, by a guy, about when a guy's not calling you. For the full article, go here.

GOOD DATING (from the guy's point of view):

One contact number. If you give him fb, home phone and cell and work ... you get it. You look desperate.

LADIES, NOTE: THIS 'APPEARING DESPERATE' IS A REAL BIG TURNOFF FOR MEN. Just about anything -- real or unreal -- can signal it, so call me for coaching is you've got one you're desperate for, LOL.

Because HERE'S THE POINT. Men and women are different (you heard it first here). We women are highly selective, and so when we finally meet a man we could love (out of the 100 we've already rejected this year), we ARE the famous for "appearing desperate" to the man. Men are wired differently.

For instance I've coached lots of women who made the mistake of hopping right into bed with this one man they've met they could truly love, after the 100 they've rejected, and the man says, "You're very sexy." Not knowing it's strictly your response to him, and how you are with him.

That having been said, GET A WING BUDDY. Set up a coaching contract with me. It could save your relationship.

Other tidbits:

-- If you just met him and gave him your number and he's not calling, process the interaction. Call me and we'll go over it. He coulda been being polite; he coulda been drunk. Gotta know this!

-- If it's new and he hasn't called and you want to use the techno-vine, just do it once. One phone call. One fb. As our writer writes, more than that "is overkill and repels men faster than Raid on bugs."

-- Do flirty little messages. They like the fantasy/projection. Your therapist may get a fast heart-beat listening to MORE THAN THAT, but early dating is about fun! Quick chat on phone, if he calls, ending with "Oops, gotta go!" Chirp like a little songbird!

Now, straight from the guy's writing:

Step 6 The trick to waiting for a phone call is to not wait. Don't play that game. You have a life to live. Live it! The more you have going for you; the more "in demand" you are with other friends and social events, only makes you more attractive. Which leads to --

Step 7 Men generally want what we can't have. We're wired to want more and are never satisfied with what we already have. True, make yourself available, just not too available. Mentally turn the tables around. If he does call you back, wait a day or so to return his call.

Step 8 If he doesn't call you back, don't get mad; get even. Go out and meet someone who's worthy of your time. Best of luck!

You already know, if you've read my stuff, that we NEVER return an email or phone call in less than 24 hours. Right? Got it?

Email me for "the rules." Mention this blog article and I'll send them to you free.

Susan Dunn, Dating Coach